Sunday, May 2, 2010

the green eyed monster

The green eyed monster got me today. In a big way. Whoa.

I've said before that I usually do very well being around babies and seeing pregnant women. Today it was harder. I think I'm a little hormonal as well, but it was a hard morning. There isn't any cure, is there?

While I was cuddled up on my couch with the DH later (having a good cry) I was sharing that I wasn't angry that all these women at my church have babies, I am just jealous. I want to be part of it. Feeling left behind isn't my favorite emotion. Normally I would figure out what I need to do to get past this feeling, but in this situation I don't know what will lift the funk.

And then my lunch didn't taste good. Something was off with the chicken I made in a way I can't describe. I have made the same recipe over and over and it normally tastes great, but today it just wasn't right. The chicken was fine, but the sauce I made tasted weird. Even Charlie said that he couldn't figure out what the problem was. So my lunch was just not satisfying.

So I'm having a little HGTV therapy and cuddling with the puppies. I know we are already praying for each other, but I could use a few extra prayers thrown up with my name on them. Would you agree with me:

  • That God will ease my sorrow and longing.
  • That He will completely erase the jealousy. That does not come from above.
  • That He will get me through Mother's Day without any more breakdowns.
  • That He will continue to prepare us for parenthood.
I would love to pray that He would bring us a baby SOON, but that seems to be a little much to ask. I know that He is capable of everything, and I want to trust that He knows my wants and needs and desires. Help us to trust more.

Bye bye, green eyed monster.


Deborah and Blake said...

I know the pains and I am praying for you.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Oh, my friend, I wish I could make this easier for you, this painful time of waiting. I don't understand why it takes some soooo long to get their children through adoption while others seemingly *think* about adopting and poof, they have a baby the next day.
What I do know is that God has not forgotten you. (Yes, this is so much easier to say to others than it is to believe for yourself.) But it is true. He has a family planned for you that will be just perfect.

I hope the green eyed monster leaves soon, I hate that emotion as well. I will offer my prayers for you tonight especially.

JellyBelly said...

I totally get where you are right now.

Sending you hugs and prayers!

Frizzy and Bird said...

Some times we have to let the green eyed monster out just so we can make it through another day. I think we've all been there at least once. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'll be praying for news to come your way sooner rather than later.

Lost in Space said...

Wanting so much to be a part of something that you so desperately want is not an easy place to be.

Sometimes the tears are needed to get it out. Feel whatever it is you need to feel and be gentle with yourself.

You may not be there yet, but you are on your way. Your day will come. Sending hugs until that day is here.

Grace in my Heart said...

You are in my prayers. I really hope it is soon!

Anonymous said...

I'm new to your blog. I just wanted to say that I've felt your pain and the jealousy you're feeling. We waited over 2 years for our 1st adoption. Like you we also experienced a BM changing her mind after giving birth. The loss and pain is real. Here you are now...Waiting and not knowing is a hard place to be. Stay strong and keep the faith. God does have a plan for you. His perfect plan...His perfect will happen for you. I'll be praying for you.....

Laurie said...

My period always seemed to start on Mother's Day. Like some sick joke. I know the pain, the heartache, the longing. It doesn't all go away when your children come home. The whole process of long lasting grief changes you somehow. I think I will always be affected by it.

I will say a special prayer for you this Mother's Day.

the misfit said...

I can get on board with that :). It's funny how when the big things are going wrong, sometimes it's a very small thing - like not loving your lunch - that's just too much to take. (On the other hand, for me, cookies usually improve the day.)

Anonymous said...

I had a case of the infertility sorrow today too ( I'm praying for you.