So I did get some news this week. Our adoption agency wanted to see if they could have lunch with Charlie and me. It seems they are working on ways to reach out to adoptive parents while they are in the waiting stage, and offer some support. Although, we couldn't meet up with them due to scheduling stuff at this time of year, I thought it was a really nice gesture. As you might have read over the last couple of posts, I am tired of waiting. It was nice to have them be there to support us and want to reach out.

The other news was that they are working with two birthmothers, and possibly a third. That was great news for us. When last we talked to them, they were in a lull and hadn't had any calls. While they may not even meet our qualifications (like for race or religion or whatever) and they may not choose us, it is at least good news that they are getting some business. It improves the odds that we MIGHT get chosen, right?

So, keep praying for us. It would be wonderful if we could get chosen, but just keep praying that our agency continues to get calls and birthmothers.

We haven't heard anything from the agency. I guess there really isn't too much going on, and of course you know I wish there was. When the adoption was falling into place last spring, it just seemed like it was happening, you know? We were so close.

Now it is cold and rainy and my thoughts feel like that too. Even though I had an awesome birthday weekend, the waiting weighs me down. It's always there, this constant wish that we'll get the call again soon. I check my phone, but there's nothing.

Then I think about how stressful it all was last time, during those weeks we were waiting for the baby to be born. How I didn't sleep and worried all the time, and maybe I'm not anxious to relive that. Those weeks were hard, and the outcome negative, and there's no promise that it won't happen again.

But, in the midst of all this rain, I know my Lord is there. It's hard to remember sometimes, but I see him in little ways. I keep giving my sorrows back to him, saying, take this hurt Lord and make it something you can use. Let me be a blessing to someone.

It all started with a simple conversation. Charlie and I were talking and I asked him how often people asked him about the adoption. He replied that it didn't happen that often to him, whereas in my world, I get asked all the time. I work in education, which is a totally female dominated field and babies are a great topic of conversation. The question comes up regularly and there hasn't been a great answer lately. There won't be any news, until there is BIG news.

This morning started off with a question from a parent, "How is your adoption stuff going?" And I started laughing. It was the timing that made it perfect. But her question wasn't really about me, as much as it was about her wanting information. She and her husband are considering adopting, and she was wondering out loud. Her primary concern was that her husband, at 52, would be too old. And I knew it would be a factor for some international adoptions, but not all. After she left, I was curious, so I looked it up for her and found an agency with a chart that I printed out and gave to her later, showing the countries that allow adoptions up to age 55 or 60.

That was the beginning of the story. The end is where I sit at my desk and cry, because as much as I try to have a positive outlook on the waiting, and as much as I try to enjoy our couple time, the waiting can be unbearable sometimes. It's a weight that presses down on my joyful spirit. It's an unanswered question. I don't know when, I can't tell you when, I can't make any plans, all I can do is wait and wish. It isn't my favorite thing.

But I know my Lord is faithful, and I have to believe that my turn will come someday. The papers are filed, our profile is out there, and prayers are being said for us all around the state. It's just a lonely place to be, wanting it so much, and knowing I have absolutely, positively, NO control over when it happens. I want to plan, and I can't. I know it's about trust, this lesson I'm learning, but I seem to be slow in getting there.

The first part of adopting, the paperwork part, is the part you feel good about. You're getting things done, making copies, getting references, having a physical, checking it all off this big huge list. And then comes the homestudy and all those intrusive questions into your life and marriage, but it's another thing you can check off. Then you finish your pretty little profile book, and send it off. And then there isn't any more to do, except be matched.

Hurry up and wait.

This week has been hard, cause it is on my mind. It was about a year ago this time that we decided to try and find an agency and met with them on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. It's an anniversary of sorts, I guess. And it isn't that we thought we would have a baby by now, but when the first match happened so quickly, it just seemed like everything was going our way. It took five months the first time. Now it has been another five months and nothing. Just waiting. Just waiting.

And waiting. But waiting with His blessing.

It's weird to write posts for this blog sometimes, and I'm not even sure how many people keep up with it. When we were expecting the baby in May, we sent out cards inviting people to a celebration that would take place after she was home, and it included this blog address. Many of our church family were keeping up with us through the blog, but I don't know if they are still. I feel like I need to keep posting though, so it won't just sit here.

There isn't anything going on right now with our agency. I did register with AdoptUsKids.org which is a registry of foster kids available for adoption all over the country, but I don't think this will feed us anything. Most of the foster kids in this country are school age children, and we are not certified to adopt a child over 1 year old. It's possible, I guess. I just wanted another way to connect with people out there.

I've read stories before about couples who advertised for their birthmothers. You can send letters to local Ob-gyns and let them know you are approved to adopt, if they ever come across a patient who wants to place a baby for adoption. You can advertise in the newspaper, I guess, like the couple in the movie, Juno. I have this blog, and we are on our agency's website. I don't know what to think, really, about sending letters to doctors, or advertising in the newspaper. I guess I could take out an ad on Craigslist, but that seems to be pushing it. I don't want to force it, but should I be doing my part? What more can I do?

What are your opinions? Do you think there is a way to advertise without being completely tasteless? What would you recommend if you were me? I do trust that people I know would tell someone about us if that subject ever came up. Or you could refer them to our agency, New Life Christian Adoptions. I hesitate to put this up on Facebook, cause someone could really take this the wrong way. Waiting is confusing. Yup.

I just wanted to check in with you all. Hope all is well with you and that whatever your situation, you are handling it with the grace of our Lord. He's there when things are dark, I can tell you that.

Every time my phone rings I want it to be the adoption agency calling me to tell me we have again been matched with a birthmom or baby. I check my phone multiple times daily if I think of it, and I want to see a call from them so badly. Today I was sitting at my computer at work when my screen lit up and the phone was vibrating, and it was the right area code for the agency. Unfortunately, I had a class with me and couldn't take the call, but the minute they walked out I checked my messages.

It was indeed the agency, but not calling with any good news. They were returning my call from earlier in the week, and letting me know that they were experiencing a lull. Yup, a lull. They had a really busy spring and summer and now they didn't have many birthmoms to work with. She told me that all we needed to do was pray that they would start getting some calls.

I felt weird about this part, and had to think about it for a minute. I actually laughed when I realized why I thought her request was strange. I reacted to the fact that she wanted me to pray that they would get more calls from pregnant girls and it seemed to me like I was praying for a girl to get pregnant so I could have her baby! I really laughed. That isn't what she meant at all. She meant, not in so many words, that we should pray that pregnant women who don't want to parent, or can't parent her baby, will chose adoption over abortion, and would call them. That's the prayer. I don't want to cause additional people to accidentally get pregnant just so I can adopt a baby, but I would consider it a blessing for a woman to choose me to parent her child instead of visiting an abortion clinic. It tickled me, that's all.

I had been feeling all week that something was going to happen, and I don't know where the feeling came from, since now it seems so wrong. I was way off, thinking that we were going to be chosen, when they are in the middle of a lull in regards to birthmothers. And who really knows what will happen, but it seems that we will be waiting longer.

So, if you will, join us in prayer for birthmoms, that they can make good choices and give their unwanted babies homes in the arms of loving couples who long to be a family. Pray specifically for New Life Christian Adoptions if you would, and pray that Kelly and LeighAnn will be God's instruments of peace for these women.

Thanks.

Not much to say at this point. We're just waiting and believing that He knows the timing better than we do.

It's funny though...last time we found out we were matched, I got the news on a Friday. And now, EVERY Friday, I think it's going to happen again. Just because it happened on a Friday last time doesn't mean it will happen that way again. Weird how our mind makes us think about things that way.

Really. I really don't have much to talk about. Check in on Mommy and the Wombles (on my sidebar) and pray for them as they adjust to adopting a little girl from China.

Last night I dreamed of babies. Little girl babies. Somehow, in my heart, I think our baby will be a girl, when we are finally matched and an adoption goes through. I don't know why, that's just how I feel. If we do adopt a boy baby, I am sure I will be just as excited, for the record! Any baby will work his/her way into my heart.

This morning was rough, though. All through church I kept thinking about the baby that was almost mine, and how I hoped she was doing okay. I pray that she is warm and safe and happy and loved. Charlie reminded me that our birthmother had been a great mom to her other two children and was most likely doing a great job with this baby, too. It is a small comfort. I walk past our nursery and I think about how I was supposed to sit in that rocker and rock her to sleep. I think about the clothes in the closet and the diaper bag, ready to go. It isn't easy.

I know that the reality is, when we are matched with a new birthmother and baby, all this will fade into the background. And while I may never completely let go of this little girl, I will be caught up in mothering the child in my arms. That makes perfect sense. But while I'm stuck here in this waiting place, I think about that baby and pray for her.

I have been keeping up with several other women who are in this waiting place and with others who have already adopted children. Mommy Womble is still in China, picking up her daughter, and those posts have made me cry, over and over. The Womble Times is on my sidebar, so check it out and cry along with me. You'll be ooohing and ahhhing and praying for the Wombles as they travel home.

Pray for us, please! We'll take what we can get.