Tuesday, June 28, 2011

adoption un-update

There isn't much to say, or tell, or write about right now. Well, except for the conversation I had with our case worker, who told me I have all the bases covered when it comes to finding an adoption situation and that I need to sit back and let God handle it.

Telling this to a "gotta get it done kind-of girl" is just not what I wanted to hear.

It is hard. To let go. And let God.

She did say that domestic adoptions had been down this year but that everyone seems to be seeing a rise in calls and visits in the past couple of months. She said to keep praying that the calls turn into decisions turn into matches.

So, that's the update. All I got for you right now.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

no summer vacation

Well. This is the first year that I'll be working a 9 to 5 job all summer instead of having my standard 8 week vacation. It's odd. I know every other industry except education works all year long, and people get by, and it's normal, and I shouldn't whine, but for my working career I've had summers off.

I did take a week of vacation in April, and it was a glorious, peaceful week. The cruise. My laid back with a little adventure, book reading cruise. It was fantastic, but I wish that I was going to have more down time this summer. It's not gonna happen. Gotta get used to it.

I'm so grateful that I have a job, and that should be the point. End of sentence.

I'm so grateful I have my sweet husband. He is wonderful. End of sentence.

And I don't know when we will be parents, but I'm hopeful that will happen. I don't know any more about the birth mothers that our agency had in mind for us, other than some things have happened and they have missed meetings. As it is in adoption, what is urgent often takes weeks to play out. You send something off one day, plan and hope and the baby is already born and then back to square one when they choose someone else. Sheesh. I really don't want to again renew our home study and it seems like we just finished it in December, but December will be here just as quickly. Just as quickly as the two years have gone by since the failed adoption.

So, here I sit, thinking of a nice quiet summer, and knowing I'll be back in the office tomorrow.


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

when it isn't natural

I’ve been living in this weird place lately, where I think of my friend Dennis and grieve his death and am hurt and angry and lost in the corners of my mind, but then the next minute I’m back in my life full of dogs and adoption and my husband and shrubs to plant. The busy-ness of the day to day often take me out of the sadness, but I know, for Crystal, she is there always, minute by minute. I visited her today, and we had a good laugh, in between some very serious moments. The life God gives us is like a kaleidoscope, ever turning. If we are smart, we point it toward him, the light, and see the beauty in all of it, but many times we look down and miss so much of what he has to offer.

I’ve made it a point recently to look up, worship him in my sadness, praise him for the life I have, and focus on his presence and peace. I haven't always been so dedicated in my devotions or prayer life, but for the past few months, I've kept a prayer journal. It helps me remember what the prayer needs are around me. You know, we do this thing, and I'm guilty of it too, where we say, "I'm praying for you," and then we promptly forget about it. Or we say, "You're in my thoughts and prayers." And though many of you are strangers and you wouldn't know if I was or wasn't praying for you, I feel as though I shouldn't say it if I'm not going to do it. Thus, began the prayer journal. If I say I'm praying for you, then I have written it down in my journal to remember.

Many of my prayers lately have been focused around Crystal and her daughters. Any woman who loses her husband is certainly to be showed sympathy, but we are only in our 30s, and she has young kids, and that makes it more difficult. They don't understand his death. Heck, we adults don't understand his death, completely. I don't think I shared before that Dennis took his own life. It's scary to type out here...in black and white for people to see. There must have been pain and fear and a feeling of overwhelming confusion for him to carry it out, and we don't understand it all.

I can't wrap my mind around it.

But I know God will bring us through it.

I'm giving all my sadness to him, all my hurt and grief and confusion. I'm praising him and his will and trusting that he has the plan. I don't understand why an adoption hasn't worked out for us yet. I don't understand why Crystal is left lonely. And I'm not meant to understand right now. I'm meant to trust and worship and give him my faith.

It isn't easy. The tears still come. The selfishness comes out. I want, I need, I can't have.

Little by little, he's working in me, and on me. I trust that we will know his purpose. I trust that I will be a mother. I trust that Crystal will be taken care of in this life, and Dennis in the next. I am working in worship, prayer and clinging to the Jesus who has given himself as my savior. In the past month, he has drawn me to him, with ever so subtle tethers. Little by little.

Dealing with things that aren't natural go against the grain of who we are as people. It would be natural for me to get pregnant and have children, but my children will come in what some might consider an un-natural way. It would be natural for Dennis to grow old with his wife and children, but it is not to be. When life isn't linear, we struggle.

Thank God, he is the one that is SUPERnatural. Beyond what we can comprehend, understand, compute, relate to or explain. I can take a breath, let him flow in and fill me.

I can look up, let the kaleidoscope turn, and know the beauty of his love. And I hope you can too.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

under the weather

There hasn't been much to talk about over the last three days. Charlie has been working on landscaping in our front yard and I've been a little under the weather. I slipped in our kitchen on water from the dogs and although I caught myself before I fell down completely, I twisted my neck a little bit. Friday morning I woke up with horrible neck ache and headache and was feeling sick.

All weekend I've been in a little bit of pain and we've been trying to get some yard stuff done. I managed to weed one of the beds, but Charlie has done 99% of the work. Today I also just rested and tomorrow I need to go back to work.

Adoption-wise, I talked with our case manager on Friday and the birth moms that were supposed to come in have not managed to come in for profile reviews yet. They both have personal stuff going on and have not made appointments. I'm praying that they will both come in and be able to make the decision to place. I pray that we might be the right parents for a baby, but at this point, while I'm not feeling good, I'm not optimistic.

I might be later, but I am not right now.

Well, I hope you all had a good weekend.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

it hasn't been 24 hours

It started last night about 9pm with an adoption situation that was a "stork drop." Baby girl born on the 30th, needs family, send home study immediately.

So I emailed and asked and got a response that the situation was still available, and it was on. It was in the price range, the factors seemed to be lining up. Oh, and I should mention that Charlie was at the grocery store while I was doing all this. When he came home, I told him what was going on, and Lord, bless him, he has a hard time with these "jump" situations. He just can't compute. He started asking me all these questions, most of them that I had already answered and well...

Well, the story isn't about getting frustrated at 11:30 at night with your husband.

Anyway, I scanned and sent our home study and profile booklet this morning, then waited on pins and needles. They wanted to be able to grant custody to adoptive parents today, and this baby was in Texas, so if it was going to be us, we would need to get on a plane. At 12:30.

At 10, I emailed and asked if they got it. No response.

At 11, I asked again and said if they wanted us to come we needed to know now. No response.

At 12:30, I figured it was over, and then they emailed and asked for my phone number and I was hopeful again. The woman said the director would call me shortly after 1.

By 3, no one had called and I was wondering what happened. The birth mother was supposed to sign at 4.

At 3:30 or so, I got an email that they had chosen someone else.


All of this happening at work, by the way. I was trying to be productive all the while thinking about flying to Texas, what we'd need for 10 days, who I'd need to call to stay with the dogs, what I'd need to pack for the baby, etc. It's a wonder I got anything done.

I was also praying all day. Lord, let me hear your voice.

I'm disappointed, but getting better at being disappointed because that is really all I have known in adoption so far. I'm used to it. When I went to talk to my HR director to let her know I might be running out of the office to get on a plane, just in case, I told her what would probably happen would be I would get an email that they had chosen someone else. And that is exactly what happened.