Right now I do not feel as if I am bursting forth in glorious song, ready for spring. I still feel a little winter in me, like I'm not ready for all the renewal that this time of year bring with it. I had a bad dream the other night and the memory of it has stayed with me for these past few days (Mom, you may not want to read on.)
I often dream of my day, and in some of those dreams he feels real. Like "right there beside" me real. As if we'd never parted and all the things I want to tell him or ask him haven't been saved up, but they flow naturally. In this dream I was coming home from a trip and he gave me a hug and was taking me to my room (now, in this dream, my parents owned a small hotel and I lived in one of the rooms.) He hugged me and said he'd missed me and was helped me get my luggage inside the hotel room and closed the door. We started to talk a little, and suddenly the door burst open and this thug in a black hoodie raises a gun and shoots my dad.
Now, right about then the alarm went off for Charlie and I woke him up. I continued to lay there, and all the memories of the dream flooded back to me and I started to bawl. Charlie groggily asked me what was wrong and all I could say was "my dad was in my dream and someone shot him" through all the tears. I got back in bed and cried some more.
It's important to add that sometimes I get sad after dreaming of my dad when I realize it is ONLY a dream, but this had such a horrible ending and I'm getting emotional just typing about it.
But there have been times lately when I just don't feel the hope of adopting. Doors close in our faces all the time and I keep praying the same prayer. I'm spiritually dry, I think. I need a new way to pray for this child that I know is out there, needing us and needing a family. Sometimes I feel like that dream is slipping away, the more things don't work out, the more we wait, the more times we renew our home study (which we are in the process of doing right now.) The well of hope needs to be refilled.
Thank the Lord that spring break is next week and hopefully I'll be out of this PMS induced funk. It will (cross your fingers) be nice enough to sit outside and read and relax.
Any prayers sent our way would be greatly appreciated....for a baby, for peaceful sleep, for hope springs eternal, for anything. I want to say goodbye to the winter of my heart and feel His glorious renewal.
So, I've had my iPhone for several months now, since September and my relationship with it is kind of bittersweet or love/hate. Don't get me wrong, I love Mac products and know it is a far superior product to any other phone out there, and I'm constantly discovering new uses for it beyond making calls, but I didn't start out wanting it because I needed a new phone.
Here is the truth: I bought the phone because we were matched with the twins.
Fact 1: I did need a new phone and was eligible for a new phone and Charlie has an iPhone so I knew they were great. But, I did NOT want a data package. I just didn't see the point of paying extra for features I wouldn't use. I have a computer on my desk all day long and can look up whatever I need to and use a normal sized screen.
Fact 2: I did not want a data package. That bears repeating since it adds $29.00 to your phone bill.
Fact 3: I was happy pressing the buttons on my slide phone with full keyboard and I liked the way the buttons felt when I pushed them down and touch screens take a little getting used to. Whenever I would text for Charlie in the car, it would take me forever.
So, how did I end up with one? Two reasons.
First, we were matched with the twins. I wanted to be able to access Facebook and take videos and do all sorts of things with the phone when we got them. I wanted to be able to look up things on the internet while we were sitting in the hospital or wherever (the twins were anticipated to be preemies, so we thought we might spend some time at the hospital).
Second, I got lost. My new teaching job takes me to the city next to where we live, and while I've pretty much mastered Greensboro, I'm not at all used to Winston. There's a mall over there that I've been to once or twice, but now I have to visit all these random schools for meetings and they are all over. I got lost one morning and all I had was my MapQuest printout which was not helping me. And the area of town I was in did not scream "Stop here and ask for help." It was saying "Get out fast." And while I finally found where I was going, it would have been great to look it up on my phone and get a little help.
Sometimes I forget how long I've had the phone because it seems like I've had it for years, but now and then someone will ask when I bought mine and if it has Siri (no, it does not) and I remember why I wanted it.
I have the phone, but not the twins. Sigh. At least I'm not getting lost anymore, and I know I'll get to use all the fun apps eventually when we do get a baby.
And by the way, I'm still amazed that everyone doesn't have an iPhone. Why would you buy another phone? LOL. Whenever I see people with scuffed up black plastic phones, especially the ones without a full keyboard, I wonder why they don't upgrade. Then, inevitably, I remember why I was holding out and want to smack myself.
Have you moved into the technology age with your phone yet? Just curious.
If you're reading this blog, you might already know that Charlie and I are going through the process to adopt a child. It has been a long road to this place, and infertility is not for the faint of heart. But we firmly believe that God's hand is upon us and that He preparing us for a child who needs a loving home, with people who want nothing more than to be a family. If our journey interests you, read on.