a happy/sad day

It's one of those happy/sad days, you know? A day where there is so much joy for someone else, and quiet grief on my part.

My dear friend Laura is being prepped for a C-section as I type this, after being in labor around 24 hours and only progressing to 3cm. I am so excited to welcome baby Abby into the world, as Laura is a good friend and she had fertility problems as well (another Clomid success story.)

It just brings to mind my memories from a year ago. Right around this time I was calling our SW because our birth mom, Vanessa, had several doctor's appointments. Vanessa would report to the SW and then the SW would call me and fill me in. The nursery was ready, we were practicing with the carseat, and buying diapers and bottles and little clothes.

As each day inched past, the fear crept in. I wasn't sleeping well and I was very, very anxious. I had to take meds to sleep, and even then, in the darkness, I would wonder "will she change her mind?" The fear took hold, wrapping little tentacles around me and squeezing tight. But everyone around me was encouraging, hopeful, and eager. They kept me on track. Each time the phone rang, I was ready to hear that the baby had been born. Our family and friends were planning a shower for after our daughter came home, and my school friends were planning something too. It was so exciting.

And then, with one sentence from my husband, the world fell apart. "Vanessa changed her mind."

And I know in adoption terms, I'm supposed to say that "Vanessa decided to parent the baby." That's how they say it, but to me, it was more personal. And it really didn't have much to do with me, or us. Vanessa LIKED us, but she LOVED the baby. She didn't have any responsibility to us, so I don't blame her for that, only how she handled it (it was handled secretively and poorly, is all I'll say now.)

Those many months since then seem long. Dry. A season with an empty heart, and empty arms. We would consider fostering, but I'd have to stay home and our budget does not allow that. We just have to wait, and hope and pray that in His time, things will be perfect.

But thinking about it, remembering that moment, those days, hours and weeks before and after, flood me with so many emotions. I still have little socks and shoes and diapers and bottles, just no baby yet. YET.

YET.

So, today is a happy/sad day. Laura will meet her daughter Abby, while I think of the almost one year old who was supposed to be mine. Life sure does get all mingled up together, doesn't it? If today wasn't Abby's birthday, I might only be thinking about the sad parts. At least, this way there is something to celebrate.

Happy Birthday, Abigail!