Monday, April 26, 2010

a happy/sad day

It's one of those happy/sad days, you know? A day where there is so much joy for someone else, and quiet grief on my part.

My dear friend Laura is being prepped for a C-section as I type this, after being in labor around 24 hours and only progressing to 3cm. I am so excited to welcome baby Abby into the world, as Laura is a good friend and she had fertility problems as well (another Clomid success story.)

It just brings to mind my memories from a year ago. Right around this time I was calling our SW because our birth mom, Vanessa, had several doctor's appointments. Vanessa would report to the SW and then the SW would call me and fill me in. The nursery was ready, we were practicing with the carseat, and buying diapers and bottles and little clothes.

As each day inched past, the fear crept in. I wasn't sleeping well and I was very, very anxious. I had to take meds to sleep, and even then, in the darkness, I would wonder "will she change her mind?" The fear took hold, wrapping little tentacles around me and squeezing tight. But everyone around me was encouraging, hopeful, and eager. They kept me on track. Each time the phone rang, I was ready to hear that the baby had been born. Our family and friends were planning a shower for after our daughter came home, and my school friends were planning something too. It was so exciting.

And then, with one sentence from my husband, the world fell apart. "Vanessa changed her mind."

And I know in adoption terms, I'm supposed to say that "Vanessa decided to parent the baby." That's how they say it, but to me, it was more personal. And it really didn't have much to do with me, or us. Vanessa LIKED us, but she LOVED the baby. She didn't have any responsibility to us, so I don't blame her for that, only how she handled it (it was handled secretively and poorly, is all I'll say now.)

Those many months since then seem long. Dry. A season with an empty heart, and empty arms. We would consider fostering, but I'd have to stay home and our budget does not allow that. We just have to wait, and hope and pray that in His time, things will be perfect.

But thinking about it, remembering that moment, those days, hours and weeks before and after, flood me with so many emotions. I still have little socks and shoes and diapers and bottles, just no baby yet. YET.


So, today is a happy/sad day. Laura will meet her daughter Abby, while I think of the almost one year old who was supposed to be mine. Life sure does get all mingled up together, doesn't it? If today wasn't Abby's birthday, I might only be thinking about the sad parts. At least, this way there is something to celebrate.

Happy Birthday, Abigail!


Maria in Lewis Land said...

Ugh. Even though these precious little ones (whether we meet them or not) creep into our lives for unknown purposes ~ they seem to mark a moment in our lives that radically changes and defines us. Maybe we're given stronger character, maybe a bigger heart, maybe it just intensifies our desire even more.

Maybe there will be a day when those anniversaries pass before we remember them. Hopefully we will bless those people and experiences for helping us to realize our truest selves.

Prayers and love your way - and congratulations to your friend.

Frizzy and Bird said...

I'm so sorry. Honestly I know there are few if any words I can say to take your hurt away. Hugs to you today.

Leila said...

I truly am so sorry for the pain of the failed adoption. There are no words, but I will keep you in my prayers.

KT said...


JellyBelly said...

Sending you prayers and hugs. I'm sorry that you have to deal with your memory of today.

marge said...

truly lovely, heart-felt post. i know your heart breaks for the loss, but know we can all find refuge in the shadow of His wings.

Aleisha said...

Sending prayers of peace your way.

BTW, are you still adding chapters to the book site... all I can find is chapter four. Just curious. Aleisha

the lady of the house said...

What a hard thing for you. I have a friend that isn't able to have babies and it kills me when I even talk about my kids around her. She did adopt a while ago so her baby isn't a baby anymore and I know she wants another. All I can do is pray for her - that she can have that bundle to be a mama to again. As I will pray for you my dear. I commend you on looking up at the rainbow instead of jumping in the mud puddles. Happy Day, The Lady of the House

Lost in Space said...

Such a bittersweet day. Feeling your loss while celebrating your friend's new baby is not an easy thing to do. Hoping for peace for your heart...

Flower Patch Farmgirl said...

Just found you via Chatting at the Sky. I too went down the whole dadgum infertility road...and we now have 3 little brown babies. (Oh, and I'm not brown.):) Just remember - God has always known exactly what your family picture looks like...and pretty soon, you will know, too!