Wednesday, February 10, 2010

more tears

I had a moment this week where life seemed very heavy. Incidentally enough, it was during the Bachelor, but the point isn't really that I watch reality television, but that sometimes, we are like reality television. As much as we don't want to admit it.

So, this week, one of the four remaining contestants was told by her job she needed to come home or be fired. She didn't want to leave. She liked Jake. But in this economy, a job is important, so she left. And before she left, she CRIED a lot.

I started crying at the whole thing, because I am in job limbo as well. Nothing as dramatic as the whole Bachelor thing, but there might not be enough money to fund my job next year as the school's full time librarian. I was told back in September, so I've known about it and have been looking for something else, too. But the fact that the adoption is in limbo too, since who knows when anything will actually happen, is stressing me out.

Two huge portions of my life are at the end of a yo-yo.


I try so hard to deal with it well. God grants me grace every morning to smile at babies and love the pregnant people around me. He makes it easy. It's a gift from Him, just to me.

But the stress of all of it together is making me tired. TIRED. We just had three days off due to snow, and I don't feel rested. I was crossing my fingers that it would snow again so I could have another day off. Nope. It all went about three hours north and we got rain.

So Monday night I cried some when I was going to bed. Tuesday morning I cried some when a coworker asked me how I was doing. Then I cried when I typed an email to my husband telling him about all the times I cried. He sent me the sweetest email, and then I cried some more.

He bought me tiramisu. All is better now.

Do you ever have those moments where it just seems that it's all too much? If I didn't want to be a mom so bad, I would just give the whole thing up, but the nursery is ready and so are we.

What do you do when you want to give up?


E said...

Such a good question. I'm sorry that you're feeling down...and tired. I don't really have a good answer as to how I keep going. I just do. I've wanted to be a mom for so long, that I just keep going through the sadness, disappointment, despair. But then, for whatever reason, I can be hopeful again. I think that the definition of 'prospective adoptive parent' is "hopeful", isn't it?

I'm sorry about the job limbo as well. I don't get why there wouldn't be enough funding for the library!? That's very sad for education as a whole. Hope things work out for you with the job.

All I can say are the 3 words we hear so often...hang in there. But there really isn't much else to do when waiting in the adoption world.

Hoping that you're feeling better about things soon.

Ann - Building a Nest said...

I am really not an emotional person and rarely ever cry. Yet, even I've had these moments where it all gets too much. I was watching Food Network and a girl won a cake contest and I started crying like you wouldn't believe. DH & I laugh about it now, but it was a cue to me to try and let myself feel sad when I need to lest I start crying at a HAPPY Food Network show.

I left my career to stay at home and start a family and well, you see how that worked out. I felt so useless for a long time and fearful that I had made a huge mistake. It isn't the same situation, but I understand the fear you are in. Limbo is the worst. . . it just makes you question everything.

Hang in there. This too shall pass.

prayerfuljourney said...

With my dh and I we just knew in our hearts that we needed to give our IF to God and let Him handle it. We were at the end. IF got stressful for us, mundane and expensive! We saw 3 different dr's who had varying experiences with IF..two with more ART procedures and one who was Napro trained. When what they did to help did not work and lots of prayers etc...we just threw in the towel. Plus my age is a factor working against us now. We are on a list to adopt but no prospects in that area either. Sure, we may change agencies next year but we are not too hopeful that is the right thing to do either. I think giving up depends on the couple and you'll know when enough is enough. God has His way of speaking to us.

Oh, I've had many crying moments..since I've let it go, not so much. When our seasons change is the worse...esp in the fall. I really do bottom out...and IF never helps with that. I know with time, I've gotten stronger..however a good cry just feels so good.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

To answr your ?, yes, I often feel like it is all TOO MUCH. And just when I begin to think that something else happens.

But God never gives us more than we can handle (evidently). You will survive this. I'll be praying!

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

I turn to chocolate! :) In all seriousness though...I cry and then I distract myself with something that is usually physical in nature in order to put my thoughts into something else. For example, a big thing with me is having a sense of order and when things are falling apart in terms of IF, job stress, you name it...I clean. Yeah, I clean the bathroon, I do dishes, I mop the kitchen floor, I vaccum. At the end of my cleaning stress relief time, my house looks better and I feel that at least I brought order to one area of my life. (And I eat chocolate!) I don't know if that helps or not, but I will pray for you. God Bless!

the misfit said...

I think I actually DO give up. But as a second option, definitely chocolate. Also, I am now nursing a vendetta against JBTC because my house is never REALLY clean and though it doesn't bother me from an aesthetic level if there's a bit of dust and I have no desire to clean it, I am mired in GUILT about my cleaning and I don't like people who clean thoroughly for fun :).

Rachel said...

Oh, Sissy...

So many times I wanted to give up during this journey. And there are still times I want to give it all up (meaning, bring on Heaven!!).

I would cry. A lot. I mean, A LOT! Buckets. I would purposely listen to songs or watch movies to MAKE me cry, because I think there is something so cathartic and important about crying.

I would also journal. I have a written journal, and since I have that, I can look back at all those times I wanted to give up and see where God was moving. I didn't see it at that moment, but later, I would see.

I ate a lot of ice cream. Specifically, dark chocolate ice cream with oreos and peanut butter, from Coldstone. I also slept as much as I could. Like entire Saturdays and entire Sunday afternoons.

I purposefully looked for joy in Scripture, and reminders that God saw and felt every tear that I cried.

Hang in there...there are definite rough patches, but there will be sunshine again. And remember you certainly aren't alone in this journey.

WheelbarrowRider said...

One thing in limbo I can deal with, but more than one and I am a wreck. You have my prayers!

Debbie B said...

What do you do when you want to give up? You pray and cry and yell and eat some chocolate and then you repeat the cycle again and again until your dream comes true. That's what I did for 2.5 years.

My best advice on the job is to line something up if you think you won't be able to work there next year. Better to quit then not have the job.

Now let me tell you my story. We had been waiting 22 months on Russia to open back up to adopt from there when we decided to switch to domestic. We had only been officially waiting for 4 months when I hit my lowest point ever. I was broken and didn't want to go on. I told my husband that I would give it until the end of the year and then we're quitting with or without a child. That was April.
Same time at my job things were getting worse and worse. I work(ed) with a dozen women and I was the one that wasn't accepted at that time. There is always one at my office. So it was HARD on my. I was just praying like crazy that when the April 15th tax deadline came around we would know about a baby because I knew I couldn't make it another year in that place under those conditions in my emotional state.
April 7th my daughter was born but I didn't know it yet. April 9th I literally cracked when I slammed my fists on the back of a chair and fractured my hand. April 15th, deadline night, we got the call that we had been chosen.

Only sharing this because I hope it can bring a little bit of hope to you, knowing that even though this is a rough time, you will pick yourself back up and continue on waiting until your story making moment comes. Because it will.


Lost in Space said...

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough week. Sometimes we fight the emotions so hard that they come back to get us when we least expect it.

I have learned to just allow myself to feel it until the feeling passes. It usually involves a lot of crying and a boatload of unpublishable blog posts.

"If you are going through hell, keep going." -- Winston Churchill

Hand in there!

Liz said...

You've been given good advice in the previous comments.

Don't give up. Give it all to God, but don't give up. He gave you the desire to be a mother and He will give you a child in His timing.

For 17 years I waited for my child. Years of infertility, a husband who left me, a new marriage and new infertility treatments and waiting. Finally the adoption journey that ultimately led me to my daughter. She's 7 years old now. Each day I look into the eyes of answered prayers. God will grant the desires of your heart, in His timing. Trust Him.