Sunday, February 21, 2010

it's all painful

I don't really have the shoes all sitting out like this, but I was given all these cute shoes last year and loved how adorable they were, so I lined them all up and took a picture. Now they are all in a box and waiting for little feet.

We had dinner last night with some friends from church who have adopted boys. I didn't know their story well, but I knew their children were adopted. They wanted to reach out to us since they knew we were having a hard time waiting, and we had a great time sharing with them.

Angela and I were sitting on the couch while the guys were playing with the boys, and she was telling me how they came to adoption. She had trouble getting pregnant and then finally got pregnant with twins who were born at something like 21 weeks (the boy) and 23 weeks (the girl.) Baby boy lived 5 days and baby girl lived nine weeks.

I told her that my story of a failed match in no way compared to losing two babies that way. She was saying that it all hurts and it's hard to compare someone's pain to another persons pain. It all hurts us, it's all painful and we all have to get through it.

Thinking about it that way was very interesting. People sometimes compare a failed adoption to a miscarriage, but I still think it's different. It's not physical. I didn't feel a baby kicking in my womb, or experience morning sickness. Unlike Angela, I never held my bab(ies) and watched them sleep. I can't imagine that kind of loss. Well, maybe I can. I've experienced loss in the death of my father and that was deeply sad, but when it's a child, your child. Hmmm, I have a feeling that it is profoundly different.

I know that many of us have stories that are uniquely painful. IF in itself is painful. When you want to conceive and then you can't, it's a loss. And we do tend to compare ourselves. But when it comes to pain, hurt shouldn't we just call it a tie? We've all been through something, but they thing that unites us all is a loving God who sees our tears and hold us up. At times I want him to clue me in on his plan, but knowing it is enough to trust that he is there. And I know he brought me through the death of my father, praising him the whole way. He can bring us through this, to his glory.

In this season of lent, I pray that we all can experience the freedom of the Lord and leave the pain of all this behind us. I pray that we will feel his comforting hand and the peace that passes all understanding. I pray we will feel whole and healed, even in our trials. And Secret Prayer Buddy, will you pray that I will sleep soundly and rest in Him? Thanks.

On a lighter note, my friend Ashley gave birth to twin boys this morning! Welcome to the world, Keegan and David! (this part isn't painful...I am so excited for Ashley and her husband Phillip...they had a hard time TTC and used Clomid.)


JellyBelly said...

I have said again and again that I hope to never experience a miscarriage since I don't think that I could handle it. I'm so afraid that it would be the thing to finally break me.

My biggest fear about adoption is the total loss of control. Doing public adoption the way that we're going to do it means that we're going to wait a long time, but the parents have lost their parental rights or have given them up.

I'm so sorry that you're having a tough time right now. I'm sending you prayers and hugs!

mom2many said...

I have had a miscarriage. I have had a failed adoption placement. I have loved on foster babies that had to go home. I have experienced the accidental death of our two year old. I have come to believe that all loss is the same. It's the recovery that's different. Our failed adoption was NOTHING like watching my husband trying to revive our two year old on the living room floor. But the one constant has been the loving hands of the Father who have caught the bucketload of tears that have been shed over all of these losses. I promise that when you get to the other side of this journey, you will look back and there won't even be a question about why it took so long or why you had to endure the pain. I read recently in a Bible study this: "If I knew everything God knew and had His heart I would allow what God has allowed."

Lost in Space said...

The pain Olympics is useless. Pain is pain and there is hardly a way to compare what is worse because we all come to our issues with different experiences and expectations. We just have to feel what we need to feel and work through our own pain in our own way and time...

The shoes are adorable and I'm sorry they are boxed up and waiting right now. Your friend sounds like an amazing and supportive resource. Truly a blessing.