Wednesday, January 20, 2010

like a tortoise

It's the slowness that drives a girl crazy, I think. I mean, the beginning part of adoption, when you're filling out all the paperwork and hoping you get approved. There's cranky fingerprint people and courthouses to go to and endless questions about everything. But it all adds up to something I can do. Things to check off.

In our case, our match came around rather quickly. We weren't even done with our homestudy before we were matched, which is really rare. But our agency loved us so much to show us, and so Vanessa chose us for her little girl. It was thrilling to think that six months after calling the agency we would have a baby. It was fast, but it was all coming together. Then it all fell apart, but that's another story.

But now it's been another nine months and I'm getting a little antsy. The first couple of months I thought about the baby a ton and prayed for her and basically just tried to get past it. And I was embarrassed. It wasn't my fault at all, but I felt like I had lied, saying she was coming and getting all this attention, just to have to contradict myself. I hated that feeling.

After a while my husband just said...we need to move forward. We had never taken ourselves off the list, but we talked to the agency anyway, just to make sure we were still being shown. We're on the website (click over on the sidebar and you can see us under Waiting Families.) I want my phone to ring and it to be the right number, saying "you're matched!" I remember the moment we first found out about Vanessa and I ran out of my office and started jumping up and down with the woman next door. She didn't even know why we were jumping. Finally, I just said "baby."

Will it be as thrilling the next time? Will I want to jump or want to hide it? Will I want to be so forthcoming, or reticent about the details? How much will I share?

I don't know.

It seems like, knowing myself, that I would be open and share, but the fear of looking stupid twice comes over me and whispers to me to keep it to myself. Keep praying I get past that, okay?

As for now, we wait. Like little tortoises on the road to parenthood. But I want to be the hare.


Baby Wanted said...

I wrote you back on my blog! I think once you receive a failed match like a miscarriage, you are forever changed. You will always have fear in the back of your mind...wondering if you will lose this baby too. I pray that when you are matched again, you will have the same happiness wash over you as your first match. I'm sorry.

Ann - Building a Nest said...

I'm sure you will be much more guarded, but that's okay. We are the sum of all of our experiences. It will still be a joyous occasion as will the day all the legalities are done and you are, in the eyes of everyone, the child's parents.

I'm sorry you feel embarrassed, but I understand. Every pregnancy I get more and more embarrassed at how my hope skyrockets. We don’t tell anyone, it’s just between the 2 of us (and well, bloggers), but I still feel embarrassed somehow.

I hope your wait is over soon. I can’t imagine how hard this is. Hold on.

The Montalbos said...

You don't know me, I just sort of stumbled on your blog. I don't like to comment, but here goes...

I know you're in a different state, but why don't you give this agency a call...

If you're eligible, they're much less expensive as long as you don't ONLY want a white baby and from what I hear they're in desperate need of adoptive families.