Wednesday, January 13, 2010

feelings from a failed placement

Today I popped over to a site called For Birthmothers By Birthmothers as recommended by another blogger (I now have the birthmother blog on my sidebar.) It was a blog I needed to find. Not in the sense that I was looking for it, but in the sense that it helped round out my feelings on our failed placement.

I don't know if many of you out there have experienced an adoption that didn't go through. I know Maria did (plus a couple of you bloggers I don't know well), and I know some of you have been through a miscarriage (or two or three) or a stillbirth. All the situations, while similar, are very different. In a miscarriage or a stillbirth, I imagine women feel physically responsible, like maybe there was something they could have done to make the baby healthier. I didn't have to go through the physical pain of the miscarriage or deliver a baby only to watch them die. And I'm sure the pregnancy hormones don't make it any easier.

It was not like that for me. I just felt rejected, and not by the birthmother, really, but by God. Well, not even Him so much as LIFE. Reality. Murphy's Law. Like I wasn't good enough to get the baby. Or good enough to get pregnant in the first place. Why didn't he choose me for that? Why did he choose me for this? If he intended me to adopt, then why didn't it go through? In the months following, most of that has faded. I don't blame God or even feel like he doesn't see me or hear me, I just want to move forward and begin my journey as a family of three.

Anyway, to get back to my original point, was that this birthmother site is maintained to provide support for each other, and for others that support adoption. The posts were so interesting and provided so many insights into what birthmothers feel as they are making an adoption plan and placing their child. It helped me to better understand what our birthmother (I call her Vanessa on the blog) was thinking about before she changed her mind about placing. They were doing a question and answer post today, talking about the five highs and five lows of placing a baby for adoption. Some things came up that I wouldn't have even thought about. It's too much to go into here, but I encourage you to click the link and explore the site. Suffice it to say that I found myself clicking through many of the posts, feeling like I was taking an adoption class on birthmothers. I think some of you have talked about your adoption classes before and hearing birthmothers talk, and I think that would be awesome.

We only met with Vanessa once, and weren't able to talk to her after she decided not to place. In fact, she only text messaged the agency to let them know she'd changed her mind. It was all over and done with so quickly, although she did tell them to apologize to us. We even went ahead and had them give her the clothes we'd bought for the Interim Care family to use with the baby. I didn't want them back. I'd bought them for that baby and they needed to be with her. I just think I needed a little more closure. One text and it was over.

Okay, so I've shared more than I intended I think, but that's how I tend to be with my blogs, I guess. But I was so impressed by the honesty and perspective offered in the posts that I read for a long time. If you are considering adopting, I suggest you read some of the entries. It will give you some much needed insight into what the process is like for the moms. We tend to think of it all about us, and how we want babies. And I am like that a lot. I can admit that. But I also like to think that the baby I adopt will need a home, and a mom and a dad. It doesn't mean it won't be a painful experience for the mom. It will be, and I think I understand better all the emotions involved. I do plan to go back and check up on the blog, as I want to keep learning.


Maria in Lewis Land said...

There are so much that is miraculous and magical about adoption. There's so much sacrifice and sadness too. I hate the fact that a birthmother/father/family has to experience loss, and pain and grief, in order for me to become a mother. I cried for weeks after Gianna was born, wondering about how her birthmother was handling the reality of her decision. There were tears of gratitude and joy too, but a lot them embodied sadness and concern.

One of the ways that miscarriage, stillbirth, failed placement affects waiting mothers is making the next go 'round a little more difficult - waiting for the other shoe to drop. In my opinion, it can steal a little of the joyful anticipation.

Prayers your way in this long and winding journey.

Baby Wanted said...

I'm so sorry for you loss. It is amazing how one text message can change your life.

I know there is a baby out there that God has especially for you and once you meet him or her, you will know this baby was meant for you!