just waiting around

I think by now all you readers know that adoption is a rollercoaster of emotions, and if you didn't know that before you started reading about us, you know that after the last few weeks in our lives.

This picture was taken the night before we got the bad news, and I was so excited to show it then. These shoes were all given to us by a wonderful friend (hi, Cindy!) and I happily unpacked them and lined them up and matched them to the little clothes she gave us as well. I imagined all the times she would toddle down the hallway, little footsteps on the hardwood, wearing these shoes.

Now they are back in a box while we wait. We go back on the list for birthmothers to choose from if we match their requirements (for example, if they want a couple that already has kids, then our book won't be shown.) And, if we are ultimately matched with a birthmom having a boy, they will get passed on to someone else.

I have graduated from keeping the nursery door closed to now having it open partway. It doesn't hurt so much to look at all the things we planned for our daughter. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts a little bit, but it's getting better. We're moving on in small ways...our pictures will go up on the adoption website, and our book will go back in circulation for birthmoms. I can imagine getting another call telling us about a possible match. I dream about little babies.

In other news, we heard from the agency with brief news about Vanessa and the baby. She was born May 9 (several days before she called the agency) and weighed 7.5 pounds. Vanessa is already back at work and we sent her a couple of outfits that we bought with this baby in mind. The baby is named Olivia. I guess now we have some closure. Okay, okay, I did say SOME closure. It's not completely closed, but we're working on it.

For now, we wait. Sheesh.

what it means to be okay

It turns out that "okay" is a relative term. It can mean so many things all at the same time, all wrapped up in one pretty package. Friday and Saturday seemed to pass in a blur with not much news from the adoption agency that would change anything. Friday I went to work and it helped keep me busy. Saturday my mom hosted a yard sale with Charlie's parents and that ate up pretty much the whole day. Keeping busy has kept our minds off the heartbreak of losing this adoption.

We are okay.

Okay means that I dream about babies and wake up knowing that my nursery is still empty.

It means that I worshipped this morning knowing that God has a plan, but failing to understand what that plan is.

Okay means that I wandered around the grocery store and cried when I passed the diaper aisle.

It means that Charlie has worked himself to exhaustion trying to stay busy.

It means that I have to return little girl things that I bought.

Okay means that I know there is another baby out there somewhere who needs a mom just like me.

Okay means I will get to someday use the crib I lovingly restored.

It means we have to cancel the shower that we planned.

Okay means that people hugged me today because they were sorry and some people hugged me because they were excitedly waiting for news of our baby...and I had to tell them she wasn't coming.

Okay means I bought Jalepeno flavored Cheetos and I just might eat the whole bag.

Okay is a place in the middle. I don't feel like I can't get out of bed and face the day...I don't really want to, but I can face it. But I am not jumping up and down that I am standing in the middle of God's will either. While I can be recognize that God may have been using me for some purpose that I don't understand, it doesn't mean I didn't get hurt in the process.

Okay means I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and getting through the next few days.

Okay means I love all of you and know you are praying for us.

Okay means I am going to go take a nap now.

life isn't much fun right now

It is with great sadness that I am writing tonight. I can't really believe what I am about to tell you, but...

the birthmother changed her mind and decided not to place the baby for adoption.

We don't know very many details. We aren't even sure when she was born, and all our agency got was a brief text message from Vanessa apologizing to us and telling us that she couldn't do it.

We are sad. I have been in tears throughout the day and am finally getting used to talking about it. Telling our parents was really hard.

I really felt like she was mine. I really believed my daughter was coming home to the nursery I decorated and the clothes I bought. I named my baby and called her mine.

But she wasn't.

We have to trust that God has a plan, for us, for this birthmother and for this baby. And for whatever baby He brings us. It isn't easy to believe right now, but I know that even in the rain, He is there. He gives and He takes away. He told us that right from the beginning.

Someday we will be parents. It just isn't this day.

So I am going to get off here and cry a little more and try to get some sleep tonight. Thank you for all your prayers for our family. Keep praying, not only for us, but for Vanessa and her baby. Keep praying for the baby that God has in mind for us.

nope, not yet

I held myself off as long as I could and I called the agency today. I know, I know, they will call us when the baby is born, but I wanted to know if she was in labor or anything. Not that they would know anyway, because if Vanessa doesn't call to say she is in labor, they don't know anything either.

They didn't know anything except she has an appointment tomorrow where they will talk about inducing. And I don't know how fast that happens...will they send her to the hospital right then, or schedule an appointment? I guess it could be both answers.

I spent some time yesterday thinking about Vanessa, on Mother's Day. It has to be a difficult time for her...knowing she is a mother, but not getting to mother this child. I can't imagine, but I pray for her strength. I pray that she will know peace and that we will love this baby. I already do and she isn't home yet.

That's all for today, folks. Not much to say.

No baby yet. Sigh.

Today my prayer is that Vanessa will have a smooth and un-complicated birth. While I want the baby here faster, I have to realize that an induction will be more painful for Vanessa. I don't want her in additional pain.

Pray for all involved. Thanks.

today is the due date

Our agency rep had lunch with Vanessa (our code name for the birthmother) today and said she was doing well, but ready for this pregnancy to be over. She was achy and feeling pressure but not yet having contractions. They had originally said that they would talk about induction tomorrow but now they have delayed it until Tuesday. You know I am totally wanting this baby to be born, but I can wait a few more days. I don't really have much choice in the matter, then, do I?

We found out last time that Vanessa likes the Beatles and so we sent over a CD from I Am Sam and she really liked it.

Not much else to report...when we have something, you'll know!

a little good news

We did get some news today about the rights that the birthfather has in our case. In order to contest the adoption, he would have had to be giving regular and consistent support to the birthmother throughout the pregnancy, which he has not done. That made us feel a lot more certain about the whole situation. He hasn't even talked to the birthmother since December, although she did finally call him today to help encourage him.

Vanessa's doctor told her that he thought she would give birth this week sometime, but if she didn't have the baby by Thursday that she would need to come in and talk about making a plan to induce. That means we may have a baby next week sometime!

On another note, we have received a couple donations from our church family. Thanks a bunch for all your support. If anyone else would like to help us with our adoption costs and legal fees (about $9,000) see the sidebar and follow the directions.

More will come as soon as we know anything!

birthfather

The birthfather has now stood the social worker up three times. Yesterday they were supposed to meet at a restaurant and he left before she got there. He said he needed to keep thinking and that he wanted to talk to the birthmom (they are no longer a couple.)

This scares me, of course.

While he hasn't shown any real interest before, his hesitation to sign off, which is perfectly normal, make my stomach upset.

Today our sermon was about God's provision and I realize that God may be using me to teach this man a lesson. Even though I may be asked to let her go, God might be teaching this man about what it means to be a father. I have to be willing to be used any way God wants, I have to submit to his will and trust that His plan for this situation may not involve me bringing her home.

Pray that His will is done here. Pray that this baby is placed in the home that is perfect for her. Pray that should I get the phone call telling me that this is the end won't completely break my heart.

If I can celebrate, I will do that, but if I cannot, let me handle it with grace and dignity.

Keep us in your prayers. We want to be covered in them.