Friday, May 15, 2009

life isn't much fun right now

It is with great sadness that I am writing tonight. I can't really believe what I am about to tell you, but...

the birthmother changed her mind and decided not to place the baby for adoption.

We don't know very many details. We aren't even sure when she was born, and all our agency got was a brief text message from Vanessa apologizing to us and telling us that she couldn't do it.

We are sad. I have been in tears throughout the day and am finally getting used to talking about it. Telling our parents was really hard.

I really felt like she was mine. I really believed my daughter was coming home to the nursery I decorated and the clothes I bought. I named my baby and called her mine.

But she wasn't.

We have to trust that God has a plan, for us, for this birthmother and for this baby. And for whatever baby He brings us. It isn't easy to believe right now, but I know that even in the rain, He is there. He gives and He takes away. He told us that right from the beginning.

Someday we will be parents. It just isn't this day.

So I am going to get off here and cry a little more and try to get some sleep tonight. Thank you for all your prayers for our family. Keep praying, not only for us, but for Vanessa and her baby. Keep praying for the baby that God has in mind for us.

19 comments:

Karrie said...

I'm so sorry, Sissy. I sat here staring at the blank screen, trying to figure out what to say. I am at a loss. I can't imagine what words would offer you any comfort. Please know that I will be praying for you.
Sending you hugs from Indiana,
Karrie

Mommy said...

Oh Sissy! I am so very sorry. I know my words will not ease the hurt you feel right now. I know you are devastated and in utter disbelief. I hope and pray you can find peace in all of this today. I will be praying for you and your family.

Love,
M

Caroline said...

Sissy, that is such devastating news - I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the loss you feel, after all, you lost a child that you had held in your heart if not in your arms. Words aren't adequate at a time like this. My heart goes out to you and your husband.

2China4Ayla said...

I am here, I will continue to pray. Call me if you need anything (471-0705)

Vicki Clifton said...

I'm so sorry. I have a friend who this just happened to in Feb/Mar. We lost four kids we knew and tried to adopt. It's NOT easy. I don't even know what to say....other than it's a nightmare you don't want to have to experience. But as you said God can and will make it into a blessing. Allow yourself to grieve. You've lost someone just as real as death. Most people don't see it that way. It's okay to have the emotional rollercoasters. If you need help, don't be afraid to get counseling. It is real, you are hurting....someone just chopped out your heart and threw it away. I lived on promises from the Bible and tears. God will help you even though He may seem a million miles away. I will remember you in prayer. Once again, I am so sorry. Look up the song Hold ON by 33 Miles. It's been a help to me.

Frizzy said...

Sissy, I can't begin to imagine how you must feel not even for a second. I will pray for healing in your heart and your husbands because I know right now they must feel as though they're in a million tiny pieces. One never knows why we must endure such pain. It's times like these that our faith is really challenged. I pray that you draw closer to Him for strength and understanding.
"I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you not to harm you." Jeremiah 29:11

chickadee@afamiliarpath said...

i've been praying for you. i am so sad to hear about this. i was really hoping for joyful news on your blog today. god has a plan.

emily said...

so much love to you, my sweet friend.

Biteofpunkinpie said...

Virtual hugs and real prayers.

Stacie said...

Sissy, I am so sorry. I stumbled upon your blog several days ago and was so excited for you and your family. Prayers to you and the birth mother.

cousin jen said...

I am so sorry. I have been thinking of you and Charlie a lot lately... I will follow your blog now that have it. :(

Kat said...

Oh, Sissy, I am so very sorry. I know I haven't commented much...but I am reading. My heart just aches for you!

Juli said...

I am so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine your pain but as you said, God has a plan. He has one for you as well. Hang in there.

Hugs,
Juli

Lori said...

Neal and I started our adoption journey knowing that god would present us with challenges.

Even though it took 10 months it seemed like a lifetime searching in 3 countries including our own.
When 2 countries shut down their adoption programs, we knew god was telling us "she/he is not there", guiding us in a different direction.

We knew he would present the perfect child to us someday.

He just wanted us to wait a little longer and maybe wanted to see how we (husband and wife) would handle these setbacks. Neal and I were always in forward thinking and stayed on the same path, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

The birthmother was presented with challenges God gave her. A decision. He guided her into a different path for her and her baby.

Have faith! Your baby will soon come too.

Ps. We had a bag packed for a baby that was soon to be born, a name picked out and the nursery ready. We wanted to be ready in case she delivered early.
We got a call from the agency with challanges that caused that adoption not to go through.
Only a few weeks later our life changed forever with Christina.

Cousin Lori

cindysto2 said...

Sissy,

I am shocked and dismayed but I know that our God has a plan... I know your loss is great and you and Charlie are in my prayers...

Cindy

Alison said...

I've been thinking about you non stop for the past two days. I admire your perspective. But my heart is breaking for you all the same.
There is a baby out there for you and someday you'll meet him/her. And when you do, you'll be able to say that you and Charlie have learned a boat load of patience and perseverance. I don't understand why God causes heart ache, but I also know that He's also quite faithful.
I know what I say won't make you feel better, but please know what we are all praying for you and care so much about you.

Love, alison

Tracey said...

I am so so sorry. You are in my prayers and on the prayer list post for tomorrow. God Bless.

Pea Pod Mommy said...

Am praying for you. thank you for sharing your experience with us, even during the difficult moments.

hunnybeemay said...

I'm at a loss what to say except that I am so sorry for you and this loss. I am going to be praying for you. Just know that you've got friends all over lifting you up. Hang in there girl. He saves all your tears and has you written on the palm of His hand. You are loved.