Sunday, May 17, 2009

what it means to be okay

It turns out that "okay" is a relative term. It can mean so many things all at the same time, all wrapped up in one pretty package. Friday and Saturday seemed to pass in a blur with not much news from the adoption agency that would change anything. Friday I went to work and it helped keep me busy. Saturday my mom hosted a yard sale with Charlie's parents and that ate up pretty much the whole day. Keeping busy has kept our minds off the heartbreak of losing this adoption.

We are okay.

Okay means that I dream about babies and wake up knowing that my nursery is still empty.

It means that I worshipped this morning knowing that God has a plan, but failing to understand what that plan is.

Okay means that I wandered around the grocery store and cried when I passed the diaper aisle.

It means that Charlie has worked himself to exhaustion trying to stay busy.

It means that I have to return little girl things that I bought.

Okay means that I know there is another baby out there somewhere who needs a mom just like me.

Okay means I will get to someday use the crib I lovingly restored.

It means we have to cancel the shower that we planned.

Okay means that people hugged me today because they were sorry and some people hugged me because they were excitedly waiting for news of our baby...and I had to tell them she wasn't coming.

Okay means I bought Jalepeno flavored Cheetos and I just might eat the whole bag.

Okay is a place in the middle. I don't feel like I can't get out of bed and face the day...I don't really want to, but I can face it. But I am not jumping up and down that I am standing in the middle of God's will either. While I can be recognize that God may have been using me for some purpose that I don't understand, it doesn't mean I didn't get hurt in the process.

Okay means I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and getting through the next few days.

Okay means I love all of you and know you are praying for us.

Okay means I am going to go take a nap now.

8 comments:

Karin @ 6ByHisDesign said...

My sweet darling Sissy,

I am sorry for this sudden extra bump in your long road towards being the mommy you so desire to become.

I pray that the bitterness of this disappointment will only further accentuate the lovely taste of motherhood that awaits you.

This 'OK' - this place where going on is the only choice you have to make - is truly, truly in my experience the moments where you will look back one day and see Blessings. This is your opportunity to trust God and lean on your loving husband. And grow and grow and grow those branches that He is pruning in His perfect way. One day, oh to see clearly, Sissy. One day, we will.

I pray it comes soon. Please continue to write to us - and by doing so, talk to Him in your sweet and honest way. {I think He reads blogs daily like the rest of us ;)}

Karin

Karin @ 6ByHisDesign said...

Sissy,

I don't know the answer to this, so I'm going to ask it.

Does it help to read others' stories? I know you are friends with Emily - and she and Jami met at last year's She Speaks conference...she has had quite a week of ups and downs, as well. Her spirit of trust and her ability to pick herself up by the bootstraps and keep trusting God is truly, truly humbling to me and inspiring. I don't know if you read her already...

http://livelaughlove5.blogspot.com/

Just thinking of you as I check in on friends tonite...

~Karin

2China4Ayla said...

It is a powerful post. I agree with your friend, Karin. Often we find that when we look back at the hurts, losses, and struggles we find they were the start of an amazing blessing. I pray that your blessing comes so quickly and your heart is soaring with the clouds soon. Much love and prayer coming your way!

Biteofpunkinpie said...

One thing that I think is amazing through all of this is the comment you kept making "I want this mom to know that we already love her little girl"...I don't know if I could ever feel that way, but I haven't been through the struggles that have brought you there. I'm not saying this to make you feel worse, I'm saying this because I think that loving that little girl in such a selfless way helped that mom understand that she loved that little girl too. And while that doesn't make losing the adoption any easier for you and Charlie, what it does mean is that little girl is getting loved. And that God has a plan for brining a perfect and wonderful baby into your life who doesn't have someone to love it like that. I think that is what God is needing, planning. There is a baby out there who Godd needs you to love because no one else will. It will be the perfect match, and as wonderful as this one seemed like it would be, all that's left is to imagine how much better God's plan is for you.

I know this doesn't take away any of the pain. I know it doesn't keep you from wondering 'what if...?'.

Faith doesn't mean we have to understand God's will. It doesn't mean that we can't get uncomfortable and worry. It only means we have to trust our way right through all of that. Hang in there!

Jami @ livelaughlove5 said...

Oh Sissy - my heart breaks for you. I will be praying for you.

I love you my friend!

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Oh, Sissy! I don't even have the words... first, may I apologize for not coming by sooner to keep up with your story. I just found out after reading your comment on my blog. I wish I had been here to offer some kind words of support when you went through this.

I will continue to stand by my assumption that THIS situation is the toughest thing a wanna-be-mamma can go through. And I think only the strongest can survive it. So, at least take heart in the fact that God doesn't give us anything He thinks we can't handle. God thinks you are one of the STRONGEST out there. I know it's probably not much consolation right now, but maybe someday you'll be able to get solace from that.

I will be praying for you and hubby. I hope that the next match comes just as quickly as the first, and that God leads to you YOUR baby. Take comfort, too, in knowing that you don't want a baby God intended for someone else. And as much as it hurts right now, obviously your baby is still out there somewhere, yet to be born. And he/she wouldn't have been brought home if you had taken THIS child.

God bless your patient heart. I will ask God to keep you strong up through the next match. Big hugs!

Foster Family said...

It is definitely okay to be "okay". We love you and hope to celebrate new and happy news with you again. Much love and prayers-Crystal and Dennis

Linda Z said...

Being "okay" is difficult. I'm sorry for this trial, but also expectant in what God has in store for your family. I hope you can keep your eyes on Him as you are going through the okay of day to day right now.

I just read A Treasury of Adoption Miracles by Karen Kingsbury this weekend... it was so encouraging to read about the amazing things God has done through adoption and restoring brokenness. Just wanted to pass that along in case you'd like to read it. :)