It turns out that "okay" is a relative term. It can mean so many things all at the same time, all wrapped up in one pretty package. Friday and Saturday seemed to pass in a blur with not much news from the adoption agency that would change anything. Friday I went to work and it helped keep me busy. Saturday my mom hosted a yard sale with Charlie's parents and that ate up pretty much the whole day. Keeping busy has kept our minds off the heartbreak of losing this adoption.
We are okay.
Okay means that I dream about babies and wake up knowing that my nursery is still empty.
It means that I worshipped this morning knowing that God has a plan, but failing to understand what that plan is.
Okay means that I wandered around the grocery store and cried when I passed the diaper aisle.
It means that Charlie has worked himself to exhaustion trying to stay busy.
It means that I have to return little girl things that I bought.
Okay means that I know there is another baby out there somewhere who needs a mom just like me.
Okay means I will get to someday use the crib I lovingly restored.
It means we have to cancel the shower that we planned.
Okay means that people hugged me today because they were sorry and some people hugged me because they were excitedly waiting for news of our baby...and I had to tell them she wasn't coming.
Okay means I bought Jalepeno flavored Cheetos and I just might eat the whole bag.
Okay is a place in the middle. I don't feel like I can't get out of bed and face the day...I don't really want to, but I can face it. But I am not jumping up and down that I am standing in the middle of God's will either. While I can be recognize that God may have been using me for some purpose that I don't understand, it doesn't mean I didn't get hurt in the process.
Okay means I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and getting through the next few days.
Okay means I love all of you and know you are praying for us.
Okay means I am going to go take a nap now.
3 days ago