emotions on the ebb

The past week or so has actually been pretty good, emotion-wise.  I've been sick, so congested and miserable that I missed a day of work, but the fact that I haven't been able to dwell on our adoption loss has been a good thing.  I'm thankful that each day brings something to make me smile and if I stay busy I don't think to much about it.  Sometimes. 

ps.  I love this photo of my Phoebe's paws...isn't she dainty?

The truth is, of course, that this time of year is hard on us still waiting adoptive parents, thinking of all that could be and should be and isn't yet.  My birthday is coming up and then Thanksgiving and then Christmas, and we had all sorts of plans for the twins.  There were ornaments I saw in a store that said "baby's first Christmas," and there were Halloween outfits that we liked and baby announcements that I thought were cute, and a mostly finished nursery that we walk past everyday. 

Our case worker is coming for a visit next week and I thrilled about seeing her for a more social kind of visit.  We're going to have dinner and chat and visit and hang out.  I'm glad to see her have a more relaxed time.  We've been with our agency long enough that we really have bonded with them, and they've seen us through all these peaks and valleys.  

Hope all is doing well with each of you and that you aren't dreading these next couple of months and dealing with the holidays empty handed. 

healing by proxy

So healing comes in different ways, I guess.  For me, I would love to run away and take a cruise and let the hurt wash over me while I stare at a sunset and read a book.  I like to let my thoughts marinate and settle in and become part of me as I cry and process and work through it. 

My husband likes a project. 

Not that he doesn't feel it, but he doesn't work through it the same way I do.  He thinks while he does.  He digs in, gets something done and feels more accomplished coming out the other side. 

And the roof ripped off my house. 

We have an attic that runs the length of our house and we've always wanted to renovate it.  We have stairs and there are two windows up there and it's a great space for a master bedroom and bonus room.  When we finally got a contractor out here to look at it, he suggested raising the roof on a 20 foot section to give us normal ceiling height for the bedroom portion (on the back of the house, only.)  So we did.  The big space in the middle is for french doors.

This project will probably take the better part of a year or so, since we like to pay as we go and will do some of it ourselves.  And, not knowing if an adoption will pop up during that time also makes us want to spend our money wisely and not bury ourselves in debt. But it is in motion and that helps. 

Also, thank you to those of you who have been praying for us.  This one has been hard to navigate and I broke down at church on Sunday and cried so hard my bra was damp in spots.  I want to be a mother so badly and I am surrounded by pregnant women and young mothers and I just want to be part of it.  I scribble in my prayer journal each day and ask that God show his might and miraculous power by bringing an adoption to our door.  Please join me in this prayer. 

time to tell the truth

Let me preface this by saying this story does not end well.

The day of open house at my new school, I got in the car to drive home and had a message from our case worker, Josi.  I called back and she wanted me to call when I was with Charlie so she could talk to us once.  OK.  So I got home fast.

We called and Josi wanted to tell us about a birth mom who was due at the end of September and was having twin girls.  She shared some more details and asked if we were on board.  The birth mom (I'll call her Jennifer) wanted to meet us and talk.  Of course, we said yes.  So exciting.  TWIN GIRLS.  TWINS!  I mean, I was thrilled.  Nervous, but thrilled.  We already had girl stuff, we had lots of girl name options and we were ready financially.

We met her once at the office and another time had dinner with her.  We thought she was funny, sweet, a little immature, open and honestly intending to place the babies.  She shared with us how sad she was to place them, but that she wanted them to have a good life and grow up in a church and with lots of family around.  She loved our minivan, thought we were fun, and really wanted the girls to have a father.  The birth father had already signed off and was on board.  He liked our profile and thought we were a great choice.

The babies were due at the end of September, but ended up being delivered on September 17th.  The agency called us and said that Jennifer had been asking when they would call us and let us know.  Her parents were there and the birth father and his mom, and they were all calling the babies the names WE chose.  They were telling the staff that the babies were being placed for adoption.  Everyone was calm and good.

We sent flowers the next morning then went to church and praised God.  We were going to be parents in about a week, after the waiting period here in NC.  We went home after church to work on the room (we had switched our guest room with the nursery in anticipation of needing two cribs) and waited all afternoon for the call that she had signed the paper.

She would not sign.

They made her call us.  She said she hadn't been able to sleep well and had decided that she was going to be a single mom.

There is more to the story about what a bad situation she is living in, her lack of job and her other kids, but it is too much to tell and since it didn't end up well anyway, I don't feel the need to share all of it.  I just know that I've now lived through another failed match and it hurts.

This one is different that the other one, because I felt really calm about it unlike our first match.  I was getting ready and planning and praying and trusting and knowing it would all work out.  Everyone was caught off guard when she changed her mind.  The birth father was shocked and a little angry.

So now, here we are again waiting for another match and knowing that this time of year is slow adoption wise.  We've been praying that if it is God's will for these girls to be ours, he will move the mountains in the way.  We've also been praying that our adoption agency will be flooded with phone calls, over and above what they can handle.

So, that's the truth about the last month and a half.  I can't believe it's been almost a month since the twins were born and they would have been here and we would be planning the coming holidays as parents.  Sigh.  We're trying to move past it and move forward, but every now and then it gets me that it fell apart AGAIN.  Arrrrggggghhhhh.  I can't think about it at times, and other times it is all I can think about.

Thanks for listening...

some great moments from this year...

On our cruise in April

Phoebe's nose...so sweet

From the Figure Skating Nationals in January

Mandy and I getting ready to make homemade ravioli!

Leaves from the Farmer's Market

Love these orange flowers...

Mandy's new baby, Caleb.  I took some newborn shots two weeks ago.

This is how the husband butched up the minivan.

Elisa's wedding

Jewelry project that I made, and I just like the photo.

Lucy loves to look out the window....

Just so you know I'm not sad and moody and thinking about babies all the time.  There are some good and wonderful moments in my life, and many I capture on film (well, on megapixels.)  I wanted to share some things that made me smile from the ten months of this year we call 2011.  There are still two and a half months to go, and I'm looking forward to seeing whatever else happens. 

the climb feels endless

I took this photo when we were in NYC two summers ago and I love the way the glass reflects the sky and the building almost disappears.  There's just something interesting about it to me, where the building meets the sky and I like the kind-of-magic of it.  Yeah.  I'm weird like that.  I think this is a magic photo. I mean, I could climb all the steps to the top, but where I can't see the building, is it really there?  What if I got all the way up there and the building just faded away?  Or, what if I got all the way up there and the stairs suddenly dropped off?

Anyway, there's something about it that makes me sad.  It feels like our adoption journey...within my grasp but almost mystical.  Like, we've gone all this way up the stairs and the penthouse is just fading away.  Like the part where I bring a baby home is mystical and mythical and out of my reach. 

Yes, I'm sad.  We've just been in a place where I think things are looking up but we're really still in the same place.  My mom reminded me that a waiting time is a trusting time and I know I'm being stretched right now, but I feel like I'm being stretched too thin. 

The pages of my prayer journal have been filled with my longings to be a mommy and raise a child to his glory.  I've written about it so much this last year and the words seem repetitive and trite.  I wish I had something different to say, but I'm trying to keep positive and continue praying and trusting. 

Thanks for all of you who continue to pray for us.  Thanks to all of you who keep your eyes and ears open for an adoption possibility for us.  I hope that this road is shorter rather than longer, and our journey's end is soon.  I hope that someday soon my arms will be full and our nursery will be needed.  I wish that I didn't sound so hopeless, but there are days when the climb feels endless. 

We're Number 1

I talked with our case worker at the agency yesterday, and asked her if we were the longest waiting couple they had now.  We've been waiting almost three years (it will be 3 years at Thanksgiving) and have been disappointed many times, with the one big failed match.  She said that one couple ended up pregnant, one adopted embryos and now we were waiting the longest.  We're officially first on their list.

Such winners, aren't we?  :)  It really doesn't mean much.

I mean, everyone loves our profile book, and they've had women in that match our profile, but before they've gotten to the match stage, they decide to parent.

I've had lots of conversations with God this year, and many in the past couple of weeks, about how Charlie and I need him to move the mountains out of our way in order to adopt a child.  We can't do this without him, and even though I like to look at adoption postings, and talk to our case worker, and network with you all, the actual signing of the papers by a birth mom will have to be orchestrated by our heavenly father. 

The only bonus of being first on the list, is that if they get a birth mother in that does not want to choose parents, and she is in our program, then we will be matched.  That doesn't happen often, though, so I'm not holding my breath. 

Also, our case worker also reported that this time of year is generally slow for them.

So, I've been praying that our agency would experience a boon of calls, and that God would help me keep me calm, patient and glorifying him.  These years have been long, and short at the same time.  I know it is stupid, but I'm haunted by our Christmas cards.  I thought for sure that this year we'd be sending out a family picture, instead of just the picture of the two of us.  And I know there is still time for it to happen, and I'm trying to trust, but it is hard. 

the new job

Let me just tell you that I'm loving my new job and it is taking up so much of my time.  In a way that uses my mind all day long and leaves me tired at the end of the day and not wanting to write.  It's good.  I'm thrilled that I've been given this job and am loving my classroom and the kids and the other teachers.  The time is passing by so quickly and I've already been there a month! 

Each day I see kids in grades K-5 and I'm still getting used to seeing that kind of age range and switching my strategies up with each grade level.  It's taking all my mental faculties and at the end of the day I'm kind of a pile of mush.  So, I'm typing this to you on Saturday night at 10:22 and I don't have much to say. 

My house is a complete and total mess right now, because a project involving changing the hall bath sink vanity and toilet became changing the guest room into the nursery and the nursery into the guest room.  This involved paint and a new rug and some crafts that I have yet to do.  And some fabric shopping that might get done tomorrow and who knows what else. 

Ok, so, that's the confession from this tired blogger girl, but tired does not mean that I'm not in a good mood.  I am.  I want you to know that I'm feeling good about this new job and am so thankful that the Lord was with me this year as I searched for a new job.  So thankful.