Friday, October 28, 2011

healing by proxy

So healing comes in different ways, I guess.  For me, I would love to run away and take a cruise and let the hurt wash over me while I stare at a sunset and read a book.  I like to let my thoughts marinate and settle in and become part of me as I cry and process and work through it. 

My husband likes a project. 

Not that he doesn't feel it, but he doesn't work through it the same way I do.  He thinks while he does.  He digs in, gets something done and feels more accomplished coming out the other side. 

And the roof ripped off my house. 

We have an attic that runs the length of our house and we've always wanted to renovate it.  We have stairs and there are two windows up there and it's a great space for a master bedroom and bonus room.  When we finally got a contractor out here to look at it, he suggested raising the roof on a 20 foot section to give us normal ceiling height for the bedroom portion (on the back of the house, only.)  So we did.  The big space in the middle is for french doors.

This project will probably take the better part of a year or so, since we like to pay as we go and will do some of it ourselves.  And, not knowing if an adoption will pop up during that time also makes us want to spend our money wisely and not bury ourselves in debt. But it is in motion and that helps. 

Also, thank you to those of you who have been praying for us.  This one has been hard to navigate and I broke down at church on Sunday and cried so hard my bra was damp in spots.  I want to be a mother so badly and I am surrounded by pregnant women and young mothers and I just want to be part of it.  I scribble in my prayer journal each day and ask that God show his might and miraculous power by bringing an adoption to our door.  Please join me in this prayer. 


Frizzy said...

I wrote you a long email yesterday but in the end I couldn't send it. Our hearts are not broken for the reason yours is but this weekend we learned some horrible news from Yaya's birthmom. It's been very difficult and scary to process let alone verbalize.

Yesterday, as I stood sobbing in the shower over "WHY?!" You came to mind. "WHY you? Why have you had to suffer through this not once but twice."

Why do we have to worry about this new concern for our daughter? I'm angry! I'm bitter. Not at her birthmom but at the situation itself. All week I've been in an emotional funk. I start crying at the drop of a hat and the uncontrolled sobs come in waves.

On top of that I'm broken in this wait. I begged God to change my heart if a second adoption wasn't part of his plan for our family. I begged and pleaded.

In the end I wonder if God thinks I'm acting like a spoiled rotten unthankful brat. I pray this isn't how He sees me. I pray He knows and understands my worries and my longing better than anyone and will send comfort.

I pray these same things for you. I pray He brings you clarity and peace beyond all understanding while you wait for your child and are surrounded by so many new and expecting mothers.

Sending you love and prayers my dear friend. Lifting you as high as I possibly can today and every day!

Bailey's Leaf said...

Wow. Just think of what would happen if you would simply put a basket of laundry in front of him to fold. Not only would he fold it, but he would build you a whole new closet to put it in.

You know, people do deal with grief in different ways. When Bailey died, I cried and cried, wrote and wrote and dropped myself head first into the studio. Hubs, on the other hand, was therapeutically purchasing. His purchasing finally came to an end when he brought me home an origial Atari with the wood grain finish (my style of video games, thankyouverymuch) and all I could do was to cry. We discussed how he was trying to replace Bailey with material items. We did keep the Atari and it is forever a reminder of how the men get left in the dust by many regarding grief, but it hits them just as hard as it does us. So many don't consider their grief and it is so sad.

Again, I'm so sorry. I can't explain any of this and I wouldn't even try. I'm just so very sorry that both of you are going through this.

JellyBelly said...

Renovations are always a great distraction!

I pray for your continued healing Sissy!

Made For Another World said...

I love how God works through us in different ways. God Bless you- praying for you.

"All in His Perfect Timing" said...

Praying so very hard for you.

It is too bad that men and women don't process grief differently. I think it would be nice to have a hubby on the same page as you ... and you'd know his thoughts. It will be good, however, to have a new Master Bedroom in the end.