yes, I'm writing about this again...

Ok, so I've written about this before, and I'm sure I will write about it again at some point in my life, but let me say I am so indebted to Jane Austen for one of the best books ever written.  Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite stories, whether in movie form or the original novel. 

Recently, with a day off of school and Charlie at work, I had a Jane Austen day.  I started with the BBC miniseries of P&P and then the 2005 Kiera Knightley version of P&P.  I love both versions, and there are pros and cons to both. 

Here is what I've learned, though, as I've watched these movies more than once, and after a recent re-read of the novel:  Mr. Darcy loves her first.  You're probably saying, "DUH."  And yes, I knew that, because he proposes to her and she refuses, but it didn't really occur to me that it happened that way.  I think I always just thought that they got together at the end, but I like that it isn't Elizabeth Bennet pining for Mr. Darcy the whole book through, but rather that man in the story is ensnared first.  I like that, and I imagine that was pretty gutsy for the time being. 

All this to say that I these Regency era stories are something I quite enjoy and I quite often run into women my age that feel the same way.  Of course, there's always the argument about whether Colin Firth or Matthew MacFadyen is the better Mr. Darcy, but I like them both for different reasons. 

So, here is a poll of sorts...do you like Jane Austen?  Which one is your favorite?  Feel free to comment and share as much as you wish!  I can't wait to hear. 

dreams

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the twins that we didn't get to adopt in October.  I think about them and dream about them.  Want to know a secret?  When laying down to sleep at night, I used to allow myself to think about my fantasy adoption.  Like, what would happen if we got a call to adopt twins?  I would think about the names for them, about how we would tell our families and the world.  I would let myself dream about it, and then it happened.  We did get that call.  We did live out those three weeks where I was flying high and walking it out.  We did choose names, we did put together a nursery, we did plan the surprise for our parents. 

Now I don't know what to dream about. 

I mean, it is NOT really my fantasy to adopt triplets, which might seem like the only thing that could top twins.  Triplets is one baby tooooo much (although, let me say, if the agency called and had triplets, I'm sure we'd take them. )  So I don't want to dream about triplets. 

Dreaming about adopting one baby just doesn't seem like enough.  In reality, it is what will happen.  We will be matched with a mother having one baby and I know I'll be excited, thrilled, jubilant, amazed and grateful for the baby placed in my arms. 
 

 

Today on the drive home it was raining and I felt like crying and letting it out.  Letting go of all my hopes and dreams for those girls and trying to move forward in a positive way.  Last year I wrote a prayer journal, and while I haven't bought one for 2012 yet, I hope to continue that practice.  On New Year's Eve, Charlie and I attended an hour long prayer service at our church, and I wanted to focus on bringing in the new year the right way.  I made a list of people and topics I wanted to pray for and did so.  There were times when it was emotional, times when it seemed REALLY quiet in there, and times when I just felt peaceful. 

I continue to want to move forward, but be thankful for what I have in front of me.  There has been family drama the last couple of weeks, and while it isn't between me and Charlie, it has made us grateful for each other in many ways

Here's hoping that 2012 will bring us more togetherness, a baby, and an outlook that is filled with the love of Christ. 

goodbye, bad memories

Well, here we are in another year and I don't know exactly what to say about it.  In my mind, I think that 2011 was really horrible to me, but that's because all I can remember about it is that we didn't get the twins.  I lost babies in 2011, just like in 2009.  But, in 2011 I also got a new job and my husband took me on a cruise.  We began renovations on the attic bedroom and bonus room, doing it on a slow pace that matches how we can afford it.

Yes, I know good things happened in 2011 and I have posted about this before.  I need to look on the bright side. 

The photo above shows us in progress on what would have been the nursery for the twins. We switched our larger guest room with our smaller nursery to accommodate two babies.  We painted the nursery a coffee color, and kept the white furniture we already had, planning on adding an additional crib once we brought the babies home.  We are pretty much prepared for a baby at this point, having been excited twice and done little bits of shopping both times.  We're ready. 

The nursery is more put together than this photo shows, but because I was putting up curtains when we were interrupted by the phone call from Jennifer saying she was going to parent the twins, I never took more photos.  I promise I will, because we have a really great rug in there now, and some great turquoise curtains on curtain rods I installed myself (no husband necessary!) 

I've also read two posts lately that I feel the need to comment on, one by All You Who Hope about feeling scared to try to get pregnant again and feeling guilty about wanting more children when there are some of us out here still waiting to add to our families.  My opinion on this, and my comment to her, was that no one needs to worry about wanting more children in regards to this blogger.  It isn't that I don't want others to have children, it's that I want them TOO.  And I hope this opinion is shared by other "waiters" out there.  Thankfully, there is a God in heaven who fills my heart up with joy for other women, taking away most of the sorrow of being childless.  There are only small moments where I cry and whine and whimper, and most are in the privacy of my own home 

The second post was at A Familiar Path, talking about friendship and the desire to say "no" most of the time to invitations from friends.  She was talking about being a homebody, not minding having people over, but often shunning invitations to go other places.  I get like this sometimes, just wanting to crawl into a cave and have alone time, but my thoughts about friendship were more on the "who" front.  And how to choose good friends.  And how to nurture "couple" friends.  I have so many thoughts on this, it might branch out into a whole post.   While it seems so easy to have friends, like marriage it takes work to be a good friend.  More on that when I can organize my thoughts. 

I wish you all a Happy New Year.  For those who are waiting, like Charlie and I, I pray that 2012 will be the year of adoption miracles. 

Onward and upward, right?

Christmas 2011

Well, Christmas 2011 has come and gone and has been wonderful.  Charlie and I really showered the love on each other and there were presents popping up almost everyday for the last week.  This excessive present giving has lead to a whole bunch of furniture rearranging and cleaning and the dogs are now really confused about where everything is located! 

We did something different this year and celebrated Christmas Eve with his family then spent Christmas Day with my mom.  We had church Christmas morning and then had lunch with her and opened presents, then went home and opened presents with each other. 

One silly thing was that Charlie bought me the Harry Potter Lego PS3 game and it is really fun! Normally I'm not a game player, so having something we can play together and I don't die all the time is great.  We can play together, but we're not playing AGAINST each other.  That's key.

Well, I hope that you all had a great holiday! 

I'm in a mood

I know this season brings out the wonder and joy in so many, but I sit here mourning all this things that this holiday season was supposed to bring.  I've been fine, I've been busy, I've been too crazed with the everyday-ness of life to really dwell on it.  But then, I popped around a few blogs today and it all came rushing back to me:  how we're still waiting. 

And I wonder if the twins are okay and if their mother will take them to church on Christmas or if they'll get presents.  I walk past the room that should have been theirs and wilt.  The room is half finished, waiting for yet another match to spur us into action and changes to make it fit the new match.  When our case worker visited a few weeks back, I showed her the new nursery and although it has coffee colored walls and turquoise curtains, the accents are pink.  The clothes I have are pink.  We were ready. 

I don't know how to move forward.

So, I'm probably supposed to write something inspiration here.  About how I know that God's timing is the right timing and how I know that He's used us in a powerful way in the life of the family we met this last time.  And maybe about how I'll just live life while I wait and enjoy all these couple things that Charlie and I can do while it's just the two of us. 

Bah humbug.  I want a baby. 

I ache.  I cry.  I pray. 

What's a girl to do? 

I could tell you about all the things going on at school or all the things at home or the Christmas shopping or deck building or attic renovations, and I will, but this is an adoption blog with NO adoption.  Sheesh.  I wish I had more to give you right now, but I'm all out of hope at this moment. 

So, let's sum it up, shall we? 

I'm in a mood. 

a bunch of something

So, there's progress on the house, and we actually have a deck attached but I don't have pics of it.  We've enjoyed sitting up on the deck during this unseasonably warm November we've been having, even though there isn't any railing yet.  It's a little scary, but the breeze is wonderful and the stars are beautiful.  I've also kept myself occupied with dreaming of what might be in the new bedroom. 

Yes, we're moving along with the renovation upstairs, but I'm dreaming a year ahead or so when I can sit in a bathtub and read a book and listen to Sara Bareilles and relax.  I'm going to get passed this time period of construction and live in my blissfully designed master suited.

Here are a couple other things:

• I celebrated my 35th birthday on Sunday and managed to get through it by buying a new pair of black boots and not looking into the nursery and feeling like I've just entered the "high risk" category.
• We bought our Christmas tree today and I love the smell.  Love it!
• School is going really well and I'm loving the kids, my classroom, and the school.
• We're hosting a gingerbread house building party for some friends from church and I'm excited about it.  We had some friends do this years ago and we loved it, and have decided to host one ourselves.  
• I've put a food processor on my list for Christmas.
• I've put a massage gift card on my Christmas list.  
• Charlie wants a Shop Vac and outdoor garden heater and he bought them both today, so I guess my shopping is already done.  
• I ordered our Christmas cards today and had to say goodbye to the dream of sending ones with a baby in them this year.  Another year gone.  

emotions on the ebb

The past week or so has actually been pretty good, emotion-wise.  I've been sick, so congested and miserable that I missed a day of work, but the fact that I haven't been able to dwell on our adoption loss has been a good thing.  I'm thankful that each day brings something to make me smile and if I stay busy I don't think to much about it.  Sometimes. 

ps.  I love this photo of my Phoebe's paws...isn't she dainty?

The truth is, of course, that this time of year is hard on us still waiting adoptive parents, thinking of all that could be and should be and isn't yet.  My birthday is coming up and then Thanksgiving and then Christmas, and we had all sorts of plans for the twins.  There were ornaments I saw in a store that said "baby's first Christmas," and there were Halloween outfits that we liked and baby announcements that I thought were cute, and a mostly finished nursery that we walk past everyday. 

Our case worker is coming for a visit next week and I thrilled about seeing her for a more social kind of visit.  We're going to have dinner and chat and visit and hang out.  I'm glad to see her have a more relaxed time.  We've been with our agency long enough that we really have bonded with them, and they've seen us through all these peaks and valleys.  

Hope all is doing well with each of you and that you aren't dreading these next couple of months and dealing with the holidays empty handed.