Wednesday, January 11, 2012

dreams

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the twins that we didn't get to adopt in October.  I think about them and dream about them.  Want to know a secret?  When laying down to sleep at night, I used to allow myself to think about my fantasy adoption.  Like, what would happen if we got a call to adopt twins?  I would think about the names for them, about how we would tell our families and the world.  I would let myself dream about it, and then it happened.  We did get that call.  We did live out those three weeks where I was flying high and walking it out.  We did choose names, we did put together a nursery, we did plan the surprise for our parents. 

Now I don't know what to dream about. 

I mean, it is NOT really my fantasy to adopt triplets, which might seem like the only thing that could top twins.  Triplets is one baby tooooo much (although, let me say, if the agency called and had triplets, I'm sure we'd take them. )  So I don't want to dream about triplets. 

Dreaming about adopting one baby just doesn't seem like enough.  In reality, it is what will happen.  We will be matched with a mother having one baby and I know I'll be excited, thrilled, jubilant, amazed and grateful for the baby placed in my arms. 
 

Today on the drive home it was raining and I felt like crying and letting it out.  Letting go of all my hopes and dreams for those girls and trying to move forward in a positive way.  Last year I wrote a prayer journal, and while I haven't bought one for 2012 yet, I hope to continue that practice.  On New Year's Eve, Charlie and I attended an hour long prayer service at our church, and I wanted to focus on bringing in the new year the right way.  I made a list of people and topics I wanted to pray for and did so.  There were times when it was emotional, times when it seemed REALLY quiet in there, and times when I just felt peaceful. 

I continue to want to move forward, but be thankful for what I have in front of me.  There has been family drama the last couple of weeks, and while it isn't between me and Charlie, it has made us grateful for each other in many ways

Here's hoping that 2012 will bring us more togetherness, a baby, and an outlook that is filled with the love of Christ. 

2 comments:

JellyBelly said...

It is so hard not to wallow in the "could have beens." I try so hard not to dwell on what we could've done with the money we spent on my surgery, or what my life would've been like if we had kids when we first got married.

It is so good that you recognize what you are going through and that you are trying to focus on positive things.

And yes, family drama makes me so grateful when I'm not a part of it!

"All in His Perfect Timing" said...

Ugh. We have had our share of family drama here too.
Dreams are good and bad. It's awesome when they come true, but so heartbreaking when they don't. I've dreamed several times about a baby too. It hurts when you wake up and have nothing.
I think you celebrated New Years Eve in an awesome way! And I pray you have an amazing 2012!