Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I'm in a mood





I know this season brings out the wonder and joy in so many, but I sit here mourning all this things that this holiday season was supposed to bring.  I've been fine, I've been busy, I've been too crazed with the everyday-ness of life to really dwell on it.  But then, I popped around a few blogs today and it all came rushing back to me:  how we're still waiting. 

And I wonder if the twins are okay and if their mother will take them to church on Christmas or if they'll get presents.  I walk past the room that should have been theirs and wilt.  The room is half finished, waiting for yet another match to spur us into action and changes to make it fit the new match.  When our case worker visited a few weeks back, I showed her the new nursery and although it has coffee colored walls and turquoise curtains, the accents are pink.  The clothes I have are pink.  We were ready. 

I don't know how to move forward.

So, I'm probably supposed to write something inspiration here.  About how I know that God's timing is the right timing and how I know that He's used us in a powerful way in the life of the family we met this last time.  And maybe about how I'll just live life while I wait and enjoy all these couple things that Charlie and I can do while it's just the two of us. 

Bah humbug.  I want a baby. 

I ache.  I cry.  I pray. 

What's a girl to do? 

I could tell you about all the things going on at school or all the things at home or the Christmas shopping or deck building or attic renovations, and I will, but this is an adoption blog with NO adoption.  Sheesh.  I wish I had more to give you right now, but I'm all out of hope at this moment. 

So, let's sum it up, shall we? 

I'm in a mood. 

5 comments:

Laurie said...

Sissy...you are right in all you are feeling. You are a grieving mother without a baby. I wrote about waiting today on my blog if you want to check it out.

Mommy said...

I wish there were words to convey all I things I would like to say. I'm sure our blog was one of those that brought great sadness to you. I hate that. I really really do. Please know you've not been forgotten. I pray for your heart of sadness to be replaced with a heart of joy. I will continue...

"All in His Perfect Timing" said...

I have been praying for you. I pray for your ache to be fulfilled and for you to be a mom. I'm just so sorry that there isn't more I can do.
Its ok to not be happy with just the two of you ... to feel like you're missing something ... you are. I hope and pray that you are matched soon!

JellyBelly said...

Continuing to pray for you in your time of waiting.

the misfit said...

I can't imagine how hard that must be, and I'm so sorry. I do understand the "what should have been" of Christmas and I long for a house (and a life) full of bustle and insanity, instead of two rather sedately-behaved adults. I'm not sure the "God's time is perfect" line is that helpful if it's supposed to mean that He has something planned that will make you happier than if you'd gotten what you want when you wanted it. The best I can come up with is that sometimes He allows us to suffer, not so we can achieve greater earthly happiness in the near future (that doesn't really sound like Christian theology to me anyway), but for some spiritual reason of the next world we won't understand in this life.

Is that an appropriately theological way of saying, "LIFE IS CRAP"?