Say Hello

Only have a few moments to put this out there, but say hello to baby Jackson, born July 9th and adopted July 17th! 

Getting better

HI All!  I hope you've missed me, and I've missed you all, but this last month has been busy and hard and full of tears and laughter and a ton.  I promise that I'm alive, but I've been away from the blogs for awhile and have been living life and healing. 

The last post I wrote was about the panic attacks I'd been having and how I'd been dealing with fear and those weeks were horrible.  But I want to fill you in on the fact that I'm doing so much better.  I haven't had a panic attack in five weeks or so and life is much more calm.  The school year finally ended and I'm on vacation and making plans for some things to do this summer. 

Here are some random thoughts for you:

• Our school year was two weeks longer than the rest of the county, so that felt like an eternity.  I was a little emotional when it finally finished, but then as soon as it was over, I got sick.  I've got a sore throat and cold and it's been hanging on for over a week. 
• We're getting ready to paint our den.  Our den is a weird set-up with two doors, it's open to the kitchen, and it serves as the office and the place where the dogs hang out all day.  
• Because we're going to paint the den, we got rid of the ripped up couch that we were keeping in there and now the dogs are weirded out because they slept on that couch.  
• I've been watching Gilmore Girls while I've been sick, and I totally wish there was a Luke's Diner around the corner.  The food always looks so good.  
• We have two sets of dishes, one that I had from being single and one that Charlie had from being single and we've kept both for 8 years because I liked both, but now I'm going to donate them both somewhere and get something new.  I want some plain white dishes, so that I can accent my table with any color I want.  Charlie offered an opinion on the new ones, but said it was ultimately my choice, so that was nice.  
• We got a pool membership for the summer and have been enjoying going over to swim.  The best thing about it is the baby pool, which I discovered when we invited friends that had babies.  The kiddie pool is a zero entry pool, like a beachfront, so you can sit in three inches of water and let it lap at you. The best.  
• I've lost almost 16 pounds and am feeling great.  We bought a treadmill and I've been getting on it several times a week and walking.  I would like to lose another 20 pounds or so, so if you have any low fat recipes you'd like to share, I'd appreciate it.  
• I helped Charlie move our ripped couch out to the curb and it was a comedy of rolling it down our front yard and sliding it out of the house.  

OK, just wanted to give you the updates.  I should have more time in the summer to post and keep up with you all.  The past month has just felt so emotional that getting out my computer has seemed like hard work.

Talk to you again, soon.  

I need your prayers

The past two weeks have been among the most stressful of my life, and I can't really explain all that must be floating around in my psyche, but the anxiety washes over me, wave after wave.  Most of you know that I have interstitial cystitis, which basically means I have an irritated bladder and have to run for the restroom a lot.  My bladder often feels full, but isn't.  It is horrible, I can admit, but over the several years since the diagnosis it has been pretty much under control with vitamins and a bland diet.  I tend to struggle most on long trips in the car, when I feel like I have to go but don't really, but there isn't a bathroom nearby.

But, I had to change my diet a couple months ago in order to lose some weight and maybe this has brought it on, but my IC has been so bad.  BAD.  So bad, in fact, that I have had some panic attacks.  I have had them in the car on the way to school (I work 30 minutes away) and even at school when I'm with the kids and can't leave the classroom.  It has been very scary and very hard. 

Last Sunday our pastor talked about dealing with fear and how hard it can be to be released from it.  That sermon was for me!  I get so scared about whether there will be a bathroom break or will I look like a moron having to get up to go every hour or when someone spontaneously wants to drive 90 minutes away to go to the mall.  Ugh.  I felt trapped in my classroom the other day, like I couldn't face the drive home and would just need to set up camp in my classroom.  Live there. 

I went down for prayer on Sunday and sobbed on the poor elders and cried and said that fear pretty much takes over.  I'm scared all the time.  About stupid things.  About things I can't change, and that normal people would just deal with.  I need to be released from this anxiety and fear. 

You should hear me in the car sometimes, when it starts to get bad and I start to shout at the Lord to heal me and deliver me.  I'm sure people driving down the interstate are getting a treat of this crazy woman pounding her fist on the dashboard!  I am determined that this bond of fear will be broken, and the Lord is going to work through me and make me a better woman.

Please add your prayers to mine and if you think of me during the day, offer me up.  And if anyone knows any good devotionals on fear, please let me know.  I'm desperate for anything Biblical that deals with fear and how to get through it. 

teacher appreciation

There are many kids over the years who have written me little love notes, given me presents and brought me some Starbucks during Teacher Appreciation Week.  Now, the kids at my current school don't really know what it is and are probably too poor to buy presents anyway, but we've been making cards in Art this week for their classroom teachers.  

Anyway, the point is, this little girl, Miss Morgan, was probably the sweetest kid I ever taught and one that maybe loved me the most.  I know we aren't supposed to have favorites, but she stole my heart.  Totally and completely took my heart every day with her smile.  She would run down the hall and jump on me and tell me the best and dearest compliments.  

Now that I don't teach her anymore, I don't get to see her anymore, but she is one kid that will always stay with me.  No one has replaced her yet in my heart and I don't know that anyone except maybe my own kids someday will be able to fill me up the way she did!  

So, to little Miss Morgan, I hope you're having a great week and loving on your current teacher.  If I know you, I bet you are. 

four-wheeling

Doesn't Charlie look perfectly terrified to be on the back of this four-wheeler with me at the controls?  LOL. 

One of the other Easter weekend activities was four-wheeling.  My brother-in-law Chad brought his four-wheeler to our family celebration and although I knew my in-laws had at least 10 acres, I had never ventured out on them.  At first, when Chad took it down off the truck, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to get on it because I wasn't really dressed for it.  But then I remembered that my dad and I used to go three wheeling and ride on his motorcycle and I really liked it, so I climbed on.  At first I rode behind my sister-in-law Jessica, but then I took the handlebars and rode with Charlie.  It was really fun, albeit a little muddy. 

How often, in my strive to be proper and graceful, do I forget to have fun? 

It was a good lesson for the day!

buck-teeth and bunnies

The big hit at the annual egg hunt was these bunny teeth themed pacifier lollipops that Charlie found at the dollar store.  After a big afternoon, the kids were suddenly quiet with these in their mouths. 

Hope you all had a Happy Easter.  We had a great afternoon with lovely weather and four wheeler rides, which I was pretty sure I wasn't going to do, then I actually hopped on and four wheeled myself through some lovely mud puddles.  Unexpected fun!

This week I'm back at work and tired already this evening, so I'm off to bed.  I know this is short, but I thought you'd enjoy seeing the nephews and niece. 

erasing the doubts

Our case worker Debra and the new agency director Patience are coming for a visit tomorrow to update our home study.  This is the second time we've updated our home study and I'm anxious about it, although I don't really think anything is going to go wrong.  It is merely just paperwork and a visit, but since our old case worker, Josi, left to go back to school, we have a new one and since Josi was also the agency director, we haven't met Patience yet. We really like our agency and have always loved the people they choose, so I'm sure Patience will be warm and wonderful.  I like her name though...Patience certainly fits in the adoption world.  LOL. 

I discovered something on Sunday when our pastor was preaching.  He was talking about doubt and how when we ask for something big, we need to believe that God will provide.  Lately, I've been feeling like I should just give up hope on getting a baby and to just let God surprise me with good news, but that isn't really the correct mindset or belief.  I need to trust that God will bring us a baby, and trust that his time is the right time.  I can't doubt his plans when he has lead us this far.  Yes, it is easier to put myself in a protective bubble and prepare myself for the bad news than to constantly live on the edge of hope.  I had a breakdown during worship, just crying and calling out to God that he move in our lives and situation and bring us a child to love and raise.  There was even the sweetest baby dedication on Sunday and I can't wait until Charlie and I can dedicate our own child.  It will be such a happy day, someday. 

The photo above is of baby bedding we got years ago.  It was our "boy" bedding and we used the turquoise color as a jumping off point for the paint color.  Of course, now we've rearranged our house after we thought we were getting the twins and the paint color is more coffee brown.  If we get a girl, then we are using pink and turquoise, and if we get a boy, lime green and orange with the brown.  That's the plan, anyway.  The bedding has never been opened, so if you are interested in something like that, let me know.  I'll give you a great deal (we have the bumpers, quilt, skirt and rug).

I spent today cleaning the house, which wasn't that dirty, but I vacuumed and dusted in our bedroom, which normally doesn't get that much attention when we clean.  I also vacuumed the nursery which wasn't dirty at all, but Phoebe rolled around on the rug and there was husky fur all over.  I put out a spring arrangement in the entryway and just straightened up.  I walked on the treadmill and had lunch with my friend Mandy.  It's been a good day. 

So, prayers that all will go well tomorrow and that our agency might have any bit of good news to share with us.  I like to hear that our book is being shown, which always makes me feel good.  While I do want to get chosen, just being shown is really important.  There is no telling what might make a birth mother choose us and I don't fault anyone for choosing someone else.  The birth mothers should choose the couple that speaks to them and it is important decision.  I just like to know we're in the mix. 

Well, it is starting to thunder here and so that means my doggies are going to want their momma.  They don't like thunder and lightning, which means I'll get lots of cuddles.