The past two weeks have been among the most stressful of my life, and I can't really explain all that must be floating around in my psyche, but the anxiety washes over me, wave after wave. Most of you know that I have interstitial cystitis, which basically means I have an irritated bladder and have to run for the restroom a lot. My bladder often feels full, but isn't. It is horrible, I can admit, but over the several years since the diagnosis it has been pretty much under control with vitamins and a bland diet. I tend to struggle most on long trips in the car, when I feel like I have to go but don't really, but there isn't a bathroom nearby.
But, I had to change my diet a couple months ago in order to lose some weight and maybe this has brought it on, but my IC has been so bad. BAD. So bad, in fact, that I have had some panic attacks. I have had them in the car on the way to school (I work 30 minutes away) and even at school when I'm with the kids and can't leave the classroom. It has been very scary and very hard.
Last Sunday our pastor talked about dealing with fear and how hard it can be to be released from it. That sermon was for me! I get so scared about whether there will be a bathroom break or will I look like a moron having to get up to go every hour or when someone spontaneously wants to drive 90 minutes away to go to the mall. Ugh. I felt trapped in my classroom the other day, like I couldn't face the drive home and would just need to set up camp in my classroom. Live there.
I went down for prayer on Sunday and sobbed on the poor elders and cried and said that fear pretty much takes over. I'm scared all the time. About stupid things. About things I can't change, and that normal people would just deal with. I need to be released from this anxiety and fear.
You should hear me in the car sometimes, when it starts to get bad and I start to shout at the Lord to heal me and deliver me. I'm sure people driving down the interstate are getting a treat of this crazy woman pounding her fist on the dashboard! I am determined that this bond of fear will be broken, and the Lord is going to work through me and make me a better woman.
Please add your prayers to mine and if you think of me during the day, offer me up. And if anyone knows any good devotionals on fear, please let me know. I'm desperate for anything Biblical that deals with fear and how to get through it.