is randomness a word?

So now the resumes are being sent out and references are being gathered up and applications sent in and I'm making calls and bugging people in between my shifts at Michaels. I've changed things on my resume so many times and am trying to learn how to gracefully say why I left my old job. Is there a graceful way to say it?

I'm sorry that I haven't been posting much, but I'm trying to use my computer time to search for jobs. And I don't have lots to talk about. I wish I had better news, so I'll just give you some random things.

• Wal-mart rotisserie chicken is just about the best around. I happen to hate going to Wal-mart. Problem.
• Charlie Netflixed The Great Muppet Caper today (and when did Netflix become a verb?) which is one of my favorite movies from childhood. The Muppets are exactly my style.
• I accidentally bought some Sour Nerds today. Not as good as regular Nerds.
  
• Chris Daughtry came to my church today, while I was working at Michaels. Yup. I missed it.
• Our dog Phoebe has taken to digging in the front flower bed. She is now banned from the front yard, which is her absolute favorite place to be and is driving us nuts by running to the front door every five seconds.
• I made spaghetti and meatballs in the crockpot the other night, but then neither of us wanted to eat it. I ate noodles with butter and grated parmesan and Charlie didn't eat.
  
• For the staffing agency I met with I had to take a keyboarding test, a 10key test and an Excel test. I think I did okay, although I know I do not 10key properly. I went as fast as I could with my ghetto way of doing it. I was not able to see the scores, so who knows?
• I stayed up way to late last night watching Sense and Sensibility and I came away thinking that Hugh Grant looks really, really uncomfortable throughout that whole movie, but maybe that is the character. Edward is not as great a character as Mr. Darcy, so maybe that's why P&P is my favorite.
  

Enough randomness? Oh, and that is my teddy bear, Sammy. He loves me. Yes, I still sleep with him. No, I don't feel bad about admitting it.

It's not easy

This week has brought even more weird things. I don't like to keep bringing you negatives, but the sky keeps falling, a little more each day.

There is nothing happening on the job front, except that I still have my Michaels job and am sending out my resumes like crazy. My pride is tripping me up too. There are tons of jobs out there for jobs I consider beneath me in my big college graduate ivory tower, like cafeteria worker. But today I applied to the county school system to be a cafeteria worker. They make surprisingly good money, I found out and it comes with benefits that I need to have.

I guess the point is that I need to be able to pay my bills, not worry about how I am paying my bills. They just need to get paid. It isn't dire and desperate here at my house, but we all have our creature comforts and I don't really want to give mine up. Nor do I want to have to lose our adoption status because our finances have changed so greatly. It is a big thing to admit that I am prideful about what kind of job I have. My husband keeps telling me that my job isn't who I am, it's just what brings in the money. Isn't funny that we tie all that up together and worry about it? It also gets tied up with the fact that I am not a mother yet, either.

Oh, and there was an adoption I came across today with a mother being induced tomorrow and we meet the requirements that she's looking for except we can't afford the fee. That made me sad that all this turmoil has affected so much. And did I tell you I went over my cell phone minutes? Yup. By 148. To the tune of an extra $75. Yikes. And right when we needed to be saving money. I never go over. Not ever. But in this time of job chaos, I guess I've needed to talk.

And while I want to keep using Facebook to keep connected to people and get out word about my job hunt, it's hard to hear great things about the start of the school year from former co-workers. I know they need to move on and so do I, and I can't expect them to all quit because I was treated badly. But I want them to. That's not fair, I completely understand, but it's how I feel.

Sigh. None of this has been easy, fair or fun.

It's not easy being me right now.

in love with Mr. Darcy

Jane Austen sure knows how to write a man that women love. Wow. I don't know what it is about Mr. Darcy or why he's so attractive to me. I mean, he does spend half the book being annoying to some extent, and if you've only watched the movies you may not completely understand the appeal, but there's just something about him. And Colin Firth. And Matthew MacFayden.

If you've only watched the Keira Knightley version then you've seen a great movie, with great music and wonderful touches and scenery, but you've seen the story on fast forward. Don't get me wrong, if I don't have a lot of time, then that's what I watch. The scenery is gorgeous and the music is beautiful and the scene where he walks through the field to find her in the morning is one that takes my breath away. But they leave so much out.

The A&E version is the definitive version, I think. Colin Firth makes a great Darcy and Jennifer Ehle is a great Elizabeth. Now granted, the lighting isn't as wonderful and the music isn't quite as grand (although they do use the same piece of music during the Netherfield ball dance scene) but the inclusion of much more of the story is what makes it so much better. They really build up the tension between Elizabeth and Darcy, while showing you that he does like her in some manner, and what the relationships around them are really like.

They are both great movies. Any Jane Austen movie is usually pretty good, but P&P is my favorite. I love the Gwyneth Paltrow version of Emma, too. The Anne Hathaway version of Becoming Jane is such an interesting look at Jane Austen as well. One day I Netflixed all the Jane Austen movies I could find and spent a weekend watching them. Fun, right?

Well, right now, Elizabeth is telling Jane how Darcy proposed to her and she turned him down, so I must get back to the movie, and its happy ending.

working through the sadness

I should be getting all geared up for the new school year, but this year is going to be a little different. I don't have a school job. I mean, I could still get one (not at my old school) but I don't know how it all will happen.

I'm sad, I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm depressed.

I want to sit at home and watch old movies and eat cookies (except we don't have any) and be sad. But sad isn't going to get me a new job. Watching movies isn't getting those resumes sent out. Reading your blogs isn't making contacts. But I'm tired and that's all I want to do.

That's not really what I'm doing, mind you. It's what I want to do.

I've made some calls this morning and sent some resumes and filled out an application for another job that I need to take and drop off. I talked to someone at a temp agency.

This is a tough economy. I know that. I just wish that I could know where the Lord is leading me. I'm praying that he puts me in the right place, in a place with wonderful co-workers and a boss with integrity.

Integrity. Who would think it would be so hard to find?

So, that's the update from this sad blogger.

I'm going to finish this and take a shower and think about what I making for dinner and maybe go and read a book that I downloaded to my nook. Netflix has a exercise dance video that I think I might watch (notice I did not say that I would actually DO the exercise, lol) and check it out. Endorphins might help me, I guess.

Oh, we had to go and get our physicals yesterday to update our home study. Yuck. I think everyone hopes they will only have to do a home study once. I know we did. Doing it this second time is only adding to my sadness and frustration. I know that is stupid, but time keeps passing and I know I am hurting and getting older and waiting. Blerg.

I feel cried out, but I know there will be more tears about this whole thing. The tears will come and it will make me feel an inkling better. Getting them out helps.

So, I'm going to sign off for today and get a few more things done.

notes from the unemployed

If one can walk down a path, not knowing where to go, but following the path with complete trust that it will end somewhere wonderful...that's where I am.

I have gone on two interviews, but not received either job. Well, technically three interviews, but I withdrew my application from one job because it just didn't feel right. But I really wanted one of the other two, and the other one sounded good, too.

It's a little bit of a crisis of self confidence, too. I am completely and totally qualified for the jobs I interviewed for, but they chose someone else. I've always been a great employee. I work hard, I show up on time, I'm pleasant to work with...but it's a bad economy and there are a lot of people out there looking for work. I feel so unwanted, and I've typed that before.

And, I've also said before that there is more to the story. And there is. And I can't say right now. I've always shared so much on this blog, but about this, I can't. Things I've posted about my job have come back to haunt me.

Funnily enough, I've never watched much Sex and the City. I honestly didn't get it before. We don't get HBO, but we have Netflix, so I had the movie sent to me. Is it ridiculous that I think it is wonderful? I mean, the friendship portrayed there is something we all aspire to, right? Four women, in NYC, living and writing and loving and wearing fabulous clothes. I fell in love with NYC last summer, and am now falling in love with this show. What I'm coming to realize is that it wasn't about me before, when I was 22. It's more about who I am now, in my 30s. Not that I agree with any of the promiscuity or swearing, but I find that the emotions are real. And in my sad state of affairs, I empathize with poor jilted Carrie. I have a broken job heart. If only I could fly off to Mexico like they do to relax and heal.

I'm praying that the Lord will lead me to the place he wants me to be, to work, to share who I am. I'm praying that he gives me peace while I find it. I feel this clawing desperation inside to have a career and bring home the bacon, and it's not desperate. We're not in that situation. We have savings and I'm still at Michaels and Charlie is still employed.

So, that's the update from this corner of North Carolina.

Oh, and here's something random: I keep calling Charlie to tell him all this bad news. I tend to get these emails in the middle of the day. Ones from my old principal, the emails from the principals turning me down, the call from HR letting me go...they all come in the middle of the day. So I call him and let him know. I told him today that at some point I would hopefully be calling to tell him something good.

What are your thoughts? Give me the good, bad and the ugly.

under a cloud

All I can ask for is prayer right now. This job situation is bad. I'm now officially done at my old school. Well, I have to pick up a few belongings, but the decision has been made.

But I don't know the future and can't see what's coming. I think the Lord has plans, but I don't know what they are yet.

There isn't much else to say. I'll provide more details later, when I am more settled about the situation.

Sigh. Pioneer Woman's Mystery Mocha cake tonight. Yum.

the financial freak out

A nice photo to bring up the mood before I bring the mood down.


So I keep applying for jobs and sending out my resume and I went on another interview and now I am waiting for any kind of news.

My current boss may have something to offer me, but doesn't know what that will be. It keeps changing. And getting nastier. The situation just isn't good, but I'm not a girl to leave a job unless I have another one.

My dear, sweet, supportive husband, who has been fantastic about this whole thing, finally had a financial panic attack about the fact that my salary ends in about two weeks. And my health insurance will end August 31st if I don't stay at my current job or find a new one. Let me also just tell you that this is the most fantastic health insurance ever in the whole world. It may not pay for fertility treatments, which I didn't want to do anyway, but it covered everything else.

And, well, I don't know where to go or which way is right.

I pray that the Lord will lead me down the right path and I will be put in the right job.

I'll keep you posted.

a precription for the blues

I applied for a job. I interviewed for this job. It sounded like the perfect job for me and I sounded perfect for it.

I did not get it.

I got a sad form letter from them today.

Sigh.

Now I am scrambling looking for another teaching job or any school job and it is August and school starts in three weeks or so and ugh.

Chocolate and the Bachelorette: a prescription for the blues

a party for Charlie

When I asked Charlie what he wanted to do for his birthday, he said that he wanted to have guys over to play Texas Hold 'Em Poker. He sent out a text message to a whole bunch of guys and 12 of them said they would come! It was quite the party!

We got munchies and a cake and sodas and the guys all showed up and had a great time. While they don't actually bet money, they have a good time and Charlie really enjoyed himself.

I hung out in the back bedroom and watched HGTV and Say Yes to the Dress, and occasionally popped out to take pictures. They played until about 10:30 or so and then they sat around and talked about fantasy football.

He said that this is what he wants to do every year from now on, which I guess means that I won't have to be planning any big family birthday parties for him from now on. Just chips and soda and a cake and I'm done. Yay! And I think he had more fun than when I threw him a big party for one of his birthdays a couple of years ago.

And, he did find a Yankees poster that he wants to hang up in his office, so although I didn't get the right one to begin with, he did end up with something he wanted. So, wife isn't that bad, after all.