Saturday, April 18, 2009

meeting our birthmother

On Wednesday morning, Charlie and I headed out in the car to meet our birthmother. We had to drive about two hours and we were to meet her and our agency rep, Kelly, at a Ruby Tuesday's off the interstate.

We were nervous.

We were excited.

We had no idea what to say or what we should talk about. What do you say to a woman who will be giving you her baby? I mean, it's a huge gift, and it's impossible to convey every emotion I am feeling in one two hour lunch. We didn't want to overwhelm her or ask too many questions. We wanted her to feel free to ask what she needed to know about us.

We stopped and got her some flowers.

My heart about stopped when we pulled up in the parking lot of the restaurant. I felt so clammy and unsure, but Charlie grabbed my hand and we went in. We found the table easily and there was Kelly with the birthmom (and I don't really think I should share her name, but calling her birthmom seems so impersonal, so let's call her Vanessa.) Vanessa was shorter than us with wavy hair and a really pretty smile. She was dressed simply and given that she is 8 months pregnant, looked really great. I couldn't really tell from just sitting across the table from her that she was pregnant. She stood up later to go to the restroom, and then I actually saw her stomach!

Charlie asked if she liked sports. I was totally prepared for her to say, "um, not really," but she surprised me by saying she loved football. Well, that was the right thing to say to Charlie, since he is the Commish of his fantasy football league and they talked teams and players and hit it off. That really set the tone for the lunch and we were able to keep the conversation going from there. There were some serious moments and some funny moments, but all in all I think she got a really good feel for us and who we are.

We learned about her family and life and where she was from and what her parents did. She lost her dad when she was younger too, so I could relate to that. We talked about all sorts of things and when it was time to go, we posed for some pictures with her. Vanessa told us that she was glad she had chosen to meet with us because it helped her feel more comfortable.

We left that meeting feeling good. Adoption is a blessing, and we feel totally and completely in awe of what Vanessa is doing in helping us create a family. She will forever be part of our lives, even if we never actually see her again.

You know, adoption has really come a long way in the past 30 years. It used to be that adoptions were these hushed up things...families were embarrassed that they couldn't have kids and girls who got "in trouble" were shipped off to homes to have their babies in secret. But what people have learned over the years is that it is better for all parties if more information is shared, if the child knows where she comes from, if they can understand why the choices were made. I think this meeting will help us go a long way to answering those questions should our daughter ask one day.

There were tears, of course. Not too many, but a few. There were hugs at the end, and Vanessa waved as she drove away. We stayed for a few minutes and talked with Kelly and then we went on back our way home.

It was a good day.


Alison said...


I'm so happy your meeting with "Vanessa" was a success.
I guess it's hard to know the right words to say to someone who is giving you her baby, but it sounds like your conversations went well.
Again, I'm still SO very happy for you.
Enjoy your week!


This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Wow! I feel like I'm reading a fiction book about adoption, this seems so surreal... I can't believe this could be me in "x" number of months...

It sounds like a great meeting! Any week or day now you can be a mommy!!!! Aaaaaahhhhh!!! I will be praying for you and the birthmom!

2China4Ayla said...

I am so happy for you and also a bit jealous, what I would do to meet my girls bio. Moms. To be able to share that with your little one someday will be an exceptional gift.

Jason and Stef said...

We were matched today with a birthmom and we get to meet her in a few days. I am so excited, nervous, overwhelmed, excited, excited..

Reading your entry makes me feel better about our meeting. I am nervous to say or ask the wrong thing..