and now, we wait

This week has been slow compared to last week. We received an update from the birthmom when she went to the doctor for a check-up (everything looks good, heartbeat strong, 38 weeks and not yet dialated.) But, otherwise, not much is happening. I am back at work from spring break and that is helping to keep me busy.

Now, we wait.

And I know this won't be the hardest waiting we do. I am not looking forward to the legal-risk week that we have to wait out before we bring baby girl home. Not at all. That week between the birth of the baby and the placement day are going to be torturous and long. I know that each time the phone rings I will be expecting the worst.

I am not looking forward to it.

Why is it that waiting is always so hard? I thought that waiting to get pregnant was bad. I thought that filling out the forms and waiting to be chosen by a birthmom was bad, and we didn't even have to wait that long. Now I look back and think those seasons were easy compared to this. The room is ready, but I am not in control. I don't have my body cueing me on when the baby will be born. I have to settle for phone calls from the agency with tidbits of information and sweat out this time.

I know it will break my heart should this baby not come home to my house.

And I also would completely understand if she chose to keep her baby.

I see both sides. Adoption is a gift, pure and simple. A blessing. Without which I might never have children. But I would understand it if she looked at that baby in the hospital and said "she's part of me and I am taking her home."

This season is one of the major differences in domestic and international adoption. In international adoption, the majority of babies are orphans, abandoned to orphanages either by their parents or due to the loss of their parents. A baby is assigned to you and that is the baby you go get. I'm not saying that international adoptions don't fall through, because they do. Laws change and wait times change and the wait can be a lot longer. We did our research and have several friends that adopted internationally, but the birthmom is not usually a factor. And while it really is a benefit that we have met her and have information from her that we can share with our child, she is still a factor. It is up in the air until those seven days expire and there isn't anything I can do about it.

Well, I can trust that God has a plan for me.

Several friends have told me that they have perfect peace about our adoption. And I wish God had given that peace to me. I wish I could just lay it in His hands and let it go. I need to trust that He will pick me back up if this should fall apart.

I know I haven't really shared much info in the above paragraphs, but I am sharing what is on my heart. If baby girl is born on her due date, then there is a week and half left, then another week after that until she comes home. And that seems like such a long time. In reality, I know it will fly by, but, until we actually drive away from the agency with her in the carseat, I may not actually believe it.

Two and a half weeks. I can do it, right?