my world in his hands

It's been a long road to this year called 2011. When I think back to how Charlie and I used to debate would it be "three years before we had kids" or "five years before we had kids," I just shake my head. What did we know? Absolutely nothing. I thought we might have trouble, but I didn't know what kind. Then we thought the Clomid would work, but it didn't. It worked for four other friends I have, but not for me.

Then, I stopped trying and Charlie and I had this monumental conversation, where I said I was ready to adopt. To my shock and awe, he said he was ready too. So we did all this research and chose our agency, and everything just clicked. We loved them. We love their mission and their compassion for the women. It was the place; they were the people.

Then, quickly, we were matched and just as quickly it fell apart. All within about 7 weeks.

In May it will be two years since the adoption fell apart and so I called the agency today to check in and see if they were busy. And they are getting calls and things are happening, but then she said she had gone to a meeting of social workers the other day and "adoptions are down across the board." Sigh.

Sometimes I think it won't ever happen. You know how because you've never been something, it's easy to believe it won't happen? Like, I've never been an actress, so I won't ever win an Academy Award. That makes sense. I've never been a parent, so that won't ever happen either.

But my husband, sweet, sweet husband. He always talks me through it. We talked in the car today and he said he had been thinking the other day that he was glad we were being so patient. That we weren't forcing it. He is normally the impatient one, who can't stand waiting in lines or driving behind someone slow, but in this he is just very calm. Collected. He's the rock in this adoption thing.

It's hard to believe that one day it will be my day. That I will be the one posting about my new son or daughter, and people will be congratulating me and stopping reading my blog cause all I post about is the baby. LOL. It could happen.

Today, sitting in my cubicle, with praise music on my iPod, I said a few prayers and just asked God to find that baby that needs a family and bring the situation to us. I asked for him to make us a family. The song on the iPod was "healer." The lyrics "nothing is impossible, you hold my world in your hands" really just hit home while I was prayer. A baby is not impossible. Not to my big, strong God, who holds my whole life together.

What are your adoption fears?