Monday, January 17, 2011

my world in his hands

It's been a long road to this year called 2011. When I think back to how Charlie and I used to debate would it be "three years before we had kids" or "five years before we had kids," I just shake my head. What did we know? Absolutely nothing. I thought we might have trouble, but I didn't know what kind. Then we thought the Clomid would work, but it didn't. It worked for four other friends I have, but not for me.

Then, I stopped trying and Charlie and I had this monumental conversation, where I said I was ready to adopt. To my shock and awe, he said he was ready too. So we did all this research and chose our agency, and everything just clicked. We loved them. We love their mission and their compassion for the women. It was the place; they were the people.

Then, quickly, we were matched and just as quickly it fell apart. All within about 7 weeks.

In May it will be two years since the adoption fell apart and so I called the agency today to check in and see if they were busy. And they are getting calls and things are happening, but then she said she had gone to a meeting of social workers the other day and "adoptions are down across the board." Sigh.

Sometimes I think it won't ever happen. You know how because you've never been something, it's easy to believe it won't happen? Like, I've never been an actress, so I won't ever win an Academy Award. That makes sense. I've never been a parent, so that won't ever happen either.

But my husband, sweet, sweet husband. He always talks me through it. We talked in the car today and he said he had been thinking the other day that he was glad we were being so patient. That we weren't forcing it. He is normally the impatient one, who can't stand waiting in lines or driving behind someone slow, but in this he is just very calm. Collected. He's the rock in this adoption thing.

It's hard to believe that one day it will be my day. That I will be the one posting about my new son or daughter, and people will be congratulating me and stopping reading my blog cause all I post about is the baby. LOL. It could happen.

Today, sitting in my cubicle, with praise music on my iPod, I said a few prayers and just asked God to find that baby that needs a family and bring the situation to us. I asked for him to make us a family. The song on the iPod was "healer." The lyrics "nothing is impossible, you hold my world in your hands" really just hit home while I was prayer. A baby is not impossible. Not to my big, strong God, who holds my whole life together.

What are your adoption fears?


Bailey's Leaf said...

We did foster-to-adopt through the county. At the point that we were going for permanent custody, family decided to step forward. Frankly, they saw K- as a cash cow and they wanted that. We were afraid that we would lose her. I went before the court and testified about all the information that they wanted to know. We were given a 95% chance that K- would remain with us. As they judge sat and listened to the family member speak about the birth mother and involvement and whatnot, he just looked at us and rolled his eyes. The decision was for PC, but it was appealed by the defense because the Guardian et Litem (sp?!) turned something in not within time frame. It wasn't until August that we heard that the appeal had been denied and that the judge said to proceed with permanent custody and adoptive status. K-'s adoption day? Her first birthday. She had been with us two days shy of one year.

It's a road. It is long and windy and narrow in some places, the bridge seems to be out in other places, but what that is is the trussel that has lifted over the river. You are stopped for right now and you can't cross. It's nothing you've done wrong. It will begin to lower and click back into place. You and Charlie will be able to cross to the other side and meet your child. Until then, we keep you in our prayers (and even after, of course!)

Frizzy and Bird said...

Wow! What a story the woman at Bailey's leaf shared. I am always amazed by how each adoption and family come together. None are easy. All come with grieving, waiting and joyous union. The thing is, once the adoption is final it's really only the beginning of many more wonderous and sometimes even trying times.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all as they have been since before your adoption journey began. Hard to believe I've followed your blog that long aye?
Keep looking up. Keeping praying and trusting in His plan.

My adoption fears? That our second journey will have all been for nothing. Another? That no matter how hard I try or how good of a mother I am it will never be enough. This all comes after Yaya asked us last week, "Who are my REAL mom and dad? Why did they let me go? Where do they live and do they have a car and food and a home? Will my mommy Terra be at Disney Land when we go? I want her to see me and be a princess with me." SHE'S 4! Pretty hard questions to answer and I pray all our answers were right. Is there such a thing?

JellyBelly said...

Sending you hugs and prayers!

Deb and Blake said...

I have felt your pain and am praying for you as you find your way down this difficult road.