Friday, September 30, 2011

We're Number 1

I talked with our case worker at the agency yesterday, and asked her if we were the longest waiting couple they had now.  We've been waiting almost three years (it will be 3 years at Thanksgiving) and have been disappointed many times, with the one big failed match.  She said that one couple ended up pregnant, one adopted embryos and now we were waiting the longest.  We're officially first on their list.

Such winners, aren't we?  :)  It really doesn't mean much.

I mean, everyone loves our profile book, and they've had women in that match our profile, but before they've gotten to the match stage, they decide to parent.

I've had lots of conversations with God this year, and many in the past couple of weeks, about how Charlie and I need him to move the mountains out of our way in order to adopt a child.  We can't do this without him, and even though I like to look at adoption postings, and talk to our case worker, and network with you all, the actual signing of the papers by a birth mom will have to be orchestrated by our heavenly father. 

The only bonus of being first on the list, is that if they get a birth mother in that does not want to choose parents, and she is in our program, then we will be matched.  That doesn't happen often, though, so I'm not holding my breath. 

Also, our case worker also reported that this time of year is generally slow for them.

So, I've been praying that our agency would experience a boon of calls, and that God would help me keep me calm, patient and glorifying him.  These years have been long, and short at the same time.  I know it is stupid, but I'm haunted by our Christmas cards.  I thought for sure that this year we'd be sending out a family picture, instead of just the picture of the two of us.  And I know there is still time for it to happen, and I'm trying to trust, but it is hard. 

Saturday, September 17, 2011

the new job

Let me just tell you that I'm loving my new job and it is taking up so much of my time.  In a way that uses my mind all day long and leaves me tired at the end of the day and not wanting to write.  It's good.  I'm thrilled that I've been given this job and am loving my classroom and the kids and the other teachers.  The time is passing by so quickly and I've already been there a month! 

Each day I see kids in grades K-5 and I'm still getting used to seeing that kind of age range and switching my strategies up with each grade level.  It's taking all my mental faculties and at the end of the day I'm kind of a pile of mush.  So, I'm typing this to you on Saturday night at 10:22 and I don't have much to say. 

My house is a complete and total mess right now, because a project involving changing the hall bath sink vanity and toilet became changing the guest room into the nursery and the nursery into the guest room.  This involved paint and a new rug and some crafts that I have yet to do.  And some fabric shopping that might get done tomorrow and who knows what else. 

Ok, so, that's the confession from this tired blogger girl, but tired does not mean that I'm not in a good mood.  I am.  I want you to know that I'm feeling good about this new job and am so thankful that the Lord was with me this year as I searched for a new job.  So thankful. 

Friday, September 9, 2011

introducing the word "might"

Over the last couple of days, I've been thinking about the word "might."  As in, adopting a baby might happen someday.  There are just some days it feels like it won't ever happen, and there are some days I feel so hopeful and confident that it must be right around the corner.  But it's been almost three years. And there are times when it just seems so impossible.  Why would a woman choose to give up her baby?  It's such an incredibly, almost unfathomable idea, for a woman to give her child to someone else.  But I know it happens all the time, it just hasn't happened to use yet. 
  For those of you who've adopted, especially those of you with long waits, was there ever a point where you just felt like giving up?  When you wanted to throw in the towel and ask your agency to stop showing your profile?  Don't get me wrong, that's not exactly where I'm at, but there are times when I'm just so tired of waiting for the phone to ring. And I'm scared that if we get matched again, it will fall apart again. 

It's all wrapped up in fear, isn't it?  Sigh.

But then I think about God's "might," and how the intricacies of this situation are not beyond his control.  The growth of my family, the addition of children, will come at his choosing, in his timing.

I continue to pray, I continue to dream, I continue to hope.  I choose to submit to his will and let him lead us down the path to our family.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

so many prayers

Since I've been keeping my prayer journal this year, I've really started to notice the suffering that is all around us everyday. It isn't that I pray for everyone I know everyday, because most days there is something on my heart that I write about. Other days, I just think of everyone who needs prayer and write a list in my book.

Here is the list I wrote recently:

Lord, please bless and heal:

Donna and Cameron (we lost Uncle Roy to cancer in July)
Crystal, Kaitlyn and Kyleigh (in the loss of Dennis to suicide in May)
a friend from work struggling with depression and mental illness
a blogger friend who lost her husband
another friend who lost his father in July
a friend from church with breast cancer
our adoption agency
any birth mothers that they are working with who are placing their babies for adoption
the students at my school who live in poverty
Charlie's grandmother who is in her last months of life
Charlie and I as we try to patiently wait for a baby
all you bloggers waiting to be pregnant or adopt babies

Long list, huh?

Some days I fill up my pages with longing for a baby. Some days I plead on the behalf of others. I've been praying a lot for our adoption agency and any women they are working with, asking that the Lord touch them and comfort them in this time of decision. There is so much pain and grief out there and I can't pray for it all, but I try to cover my little corner of the world.

If there is something you want me to pray for, just let me know and I'll fit you in! I'm happy to include you in my prayers.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

grace for the good girl

This is my buddy, Emily. We've known each other for ten years and she was a bridesmaid in my wedding. We met at my first teaching job, when I was an art teacher and she was a sign language interpreter. The student she interpreted for liked to take art classes, so Emily was in my classroom for part of the day each day for two years. We planned her wedding in my classroom! You may also know Emily, from her blog Chatting at the Sky.

Emily and I have similar tastes in many things. We both have ministry employed husbands, we've used the same paint colors in our houses, we love Friends and Gilmore Girls and Mimi's Cafe and Harry Potter. She has a great laugh, and is about the best listener I've ever met. She is a person I can cry on, and have. She's a person who can hold your deepest secret and not judge you. And now she's written a book. A book many of you should read.

I don't want to get into where her idea for the book came from (because when you read it, you'll get it) but suffice it so say, as I read her book chapter by chapter, I came apart. What she's talking about, being freed from the idea that we're trying hard for other PEOPLE, is amazingly the place that many of us find ourselves. She writes about how we, as women, tend to be who people want us to be, instead of being ourselves. We mold our idea of ourselves around what others need. I soooo do that. But it's not me. Trying so hard to be the good girl has defined my image of myself and reading her words have helped me let go of that idea.

The book is available on Amazon and at Barnes and Nobles and is both conversational and inspiring. I think you'll be able to relate to it and find it helpful. And....there are a couple pages in there about me! Emily asked her friends to share stories of how hiding behind this image has played out in our lives, and we did. It is odd seeing my story in print, but kind of cool at the same time.

So, if you're looking for something to use as a Bible study, this is a great option and has a study guide in the back.