Saturday, March 26, 2011

spring reminds me

I love this time of year and the color of the sunlight. I love that the trees are budding and it is getting warmer and spring is around the corner. I caught this sunset last night.

Right now I am surrounded by memories of two years ago. This weekend two years ago I got the call that matched us to a birth mother and baby. I remember jumping around and screeching into the phone to Charlie that we were going to have a baby girl. He brought me flowers. We went baby shopping that weekend. We register a couple weeks later. We went and met the birth mother and had lunch with her. We dreamed and planned and picked out a name.

And then, six short weeks later, it was over.

This time of year, the renewal after the cold winter, reminds me that the impossible is possible. That the dream is not dead. That my turn will come soon. That we will again be choosing names, buying clothes and telling people about our match. About our baby. Someday I will get to have a baby shower instead of be the one who plans them (which I am good at and love to do, don't get me wrong.)

Motherhood is coming, spring tells me.

PS. I prayed for all of you IFers yesterday, that all our dreams would come true in whatever manner you dream, be it adopting or conceiving.


Alison said...

Praying for you, Sissy. It will be your turn soon.

Alena said...

I didn't realize you'd been matched before; I'm so sorry, how painful! *hugs* I love your faith and confidence. My hubby and I were talking about this today; he doesn't understand that my desire for children doesn't mean he's not enough. It was heartbreaking to hear, and I'm feeling really lost right now. Thank you for the encouragement.

Alena said...

Sissy, I got your comment on my blog, but took it down - only because I don't share that kind of information with everyone who reads my blog. They all know that we struggle with fertility, but I try to keep our (Nick and my) conversations private amongst those who know us in real life. No worries on your part *hugs* Just a thing. I'd get lots of questions, if it stayed up ;) Anwaaaaay...

We talked again. He understands that it's not the same kind of love or yearning. He wants children. But he is content to leave the "when" in God's hands, and while I am the same, intellectually, I still struggle with that. If you read through the page on my blog "Our Fertility Journey", you'll see that we haven't had a lot of actual help in this process, medically; we'd like to at least try and figure out really WHY it's not happening. Adoption is something we both want to do anyway, but at this point it's not really possible. This next year or so really does need to be about settling in to our new life here in Illinois, getting him settled into work and school, and I need to get my head on straight. We'd both welcome a baby NOW, but he doesn't feel comfortable pursuing one at this juncture. And he wants me to stay on bcps until he is. That's what's hard on me - preventing. But above all, I wnat to honor God, and that entails honoring my husband. And he's not making poor choices - I'm just super impatient.

If you wnat this to continue privately, you can email me :)

littlebitofwonderful hot mail com

Frizzy said...

All I have to say is I LOVE YOU! I remember celebrating with you. I remember grieving with you too. Sending you tons of hugs today. It's been nice having you comment on my blog again. I've missed you.