Tuesday, September 28, 2010

when you feel small

Time passes. All the time. Each moment passes by without giving us the chance to grab it. A blink of an eye can change things. One phone call. One red light. One lost dream. Missed chances. Things unsaid.

The past year has been difficult. This summer was an experiment in the emotional roller coaster that was my old job. August was a time of desperate looking for work while hours and hours were spent at Michaels. The past couple of weeks has been a time of learning at my temp job.

It has been a season in a valley. A season at the bottom. A season thirsty for water that was not offered me.

Ever have the feeling that you are small? So small and below notice? When you stand at the base of a building and stare up at the sky and realize that you are just one small cog in a machine that chugs on everyday?

I am a complex person. An overthinker. A dreamer. A girl with an overactive imagination. I am not simple or easy. My husband says he fell in love with me because I was a girl that was absent of drama, but if he only knew all the crap that bounces around in my head and didn't say, he might have me committed. :) I am not easy. I feel pressured and left behind and under appreciated and like a victim and without courage to face my attackers and I feel small. Wasted.

Looking back two years, when we started down this road to adoption, I felt so hopeful. I felt right in the middle of God's plan. And when our adoption fell apart, I was sad, but I still felt like there was something around the corner. Now it has been more than a year since then and I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to plan or think or keep moving forward. I do know we are updating our home study and the social worker is coming in a couple of weeks.

I feel small.

I want to feel like a mother, but that isn't happening yet.

The world keeps moving around us all, and even in my pain I know that. My self-centered little world is not a bubble, even as much as I wish it might be. My tendency to keep pulling inside and isolate myself isn't a good one, and I've been trying to force myself out of my shell a little. Share a little of myself with people. I'm not always good at it, but I'm trying.

All this rambling is really to say that I'm trying not to be small. I'm trying to let my world get a little bigger, invite more people in. I'm trying. I want to make my world bigger. It's all I can say.

Because my God doesn't ignore small. He works with small all the time. I know in my mind that he will take care of me, but in my heart I'm feeling overwhelmed. I know in my mind that there will come a time when this season will be over, and my thirst will be quenched. I know there is a time when someone will call me mommy. I believe it.

When you feel small, take a breath and puff yourself up and know that you are larger than your problems. You are bigger than the pain. God's love is exponentially bigger than my bubble. For now, I continue to pray through the worry, the butterflies in my stomach and push myself outside my box. I will not let small defeat me. I will not let my bubble be my only world.

Do not let small defeat you.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

mystery berry

These are the mystery berries in my yard. They are in season this time of year and I totally love the purple color, but I have absolutely no clue what they are. They are fun to photograph though.

Anyone have any idea what they are?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

tis what season?

Today I saw the first red leaf on the ground, but when I looked up, the leaves were still green.

Mother Nature hasn't made up her mind yet, because it is still hot here in NC. So hot. I'm wearing shorts and flip flops and we're going to a BBQ later. It is still summer here.

Hope you're having a great weekend!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

how did you know?

Infidelity has been on my mind lately. Not because it happened to me or anyone close to me, but because of several different tv shows we've watched. Who knows why people cheat? And almost anything can be explained away by selfishness and circumstance, and some people cannot deal, and some make it a point to get past it.

I do know that it is a choice. Maybe the choice comes as you slip into that hotel room, or find an excuse to call someone who you have no business calling after hours. It might seem like something you need to do, but in reality, you need to think about the vows or commitments you made and make a different choice. If not for choices, things might be a lot different.

And how do you decide the relationship is worth the getting past the infidelity? I mean, in a marriage, I think you do what you have to do to get past it and move on. You do the work. Now, I've never been faced with this, but I have seen it done. I've also seen the reverse, where infidelity is the deal breaker. Did God give us a deal breaker clause? I don't remember it.

The other night we watched Date Night with Tina Fey and Steve Carell. And while the movie is silly and funny and an adventure, the best five minutes is at the end when the two characters are sitting in a diner after surviving their horrible night and they share a moment. He looks up at her and says "I would choose you every time." That was quite a moment. A real marriage moment. I thought about my husband and wondered how he ever chose me.

So that brought me around to asking a question. How did you know that the one you married was the one who would be your forever? What made him the one? Was it something you checked off on a list, or something you just felt? With Charlie, I just knew. It was something that grew on me ever so gradually (although quickly, since we only dated a few months.) It was something in the way he held my hand, like he never wanted to let go.

And so, we stood up at our church one July and said the words. The ones millions of people say, but I don't know that everyone knows what they mean. "For better or for worse" means SO much, probably way more than any of us will ever know. There is much encompassed in that statement, and it is what tests us all. The highs are easy, but the lows are where we see the backbone of our partner. Infertility is a deep canyon, and if you can come out the other side with a stronger relationship, consider yourself blessed. Infertility opened up lines of communication and broke down some walls in my marriage. It isn't easy. And you all can testify to that fact.

So, share with me your story. Please.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

small details from the bathroom

These are the knobs on my new bathroom cabinet. I found them on clearance years ago and was using them on my old bathroom cabinet, but saved them for the new one. Well, I was planning on saving them and then Charlie threw out the cabinet doors and I made him go dumpster diving to get them back. I like the fact that they are not only knobs, but have the piece that fits up against the door.

The crackled mirror. I bought a brown mirror from walmart that had a big crack (not in photo) and a chipped corner. I used leftover gray metal spray paint from the chandelier project we did a couple months ago and sprayed it. It looked good, but there wasn't enough paint to get a really good coat. I had some crackle finish for wall paint and decided to try it, so I painted it over the gray and then sprayed it with white, but it didn't crackle. So, I went to Michaels. I knew we carried crackle spray paint and it was on sale, so I got a gold undercoat and a black top coat. Keep in mind that BOTH of these spray paints are designed for crackle. One clearly said base coat and one said crackle top coat. They have several combinations, but I thought the black and gold would look good with my wall color. It was very easy to use and fun to watch how quick it crackles. I do think a good clear coat on top would be good, but that would have made six coats of paint on one mirror!

Here is a close up of the shower curtain. I bought it from Target. I wanted something white and was thinking of something sheer because I don't like to shower in the dark. We do not have a light in the shower and the only light is the one over the sink. Plus, in such a small room I didn't want something too heavy. This shower curtain is plastic, which wasn't my favorite idea, but I loved the print and it seemed soft.

I do have a liner behind it to keep it clean, and I like the way it looks.

I am so happy with the way everything turned out. It is such a pleasure to use the bathroom, even if we couldn't actually add square footage to it. It also gives me some ideas for later on down the road. We do have a new sink vanity and toilet for our hallway bathroom, so that project is next. Well, once we get a little rest from this one. I have already painted and done that bathroom, decorating wise, because it is our guest bathroom and the sink top had been updated at some point since it was not like our master bath sink. The vanity we bought is a dark wood and stands counter height, which will be nice.

Well, that about sums it up, I think. Glad you liked it.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

beautiful bathroom

Remember this bathroom? Straight from the 1960s. Old, dirty, stained.

Old, ugly, stained grout that I scrubbed on my hands and knees.

Cheap, rusty faucet.

Rusted sink with lovely metal rim.

Water damaged cabinet.

Low toilet with huge water tank.

Refinishing the tub with the epoxy paint.

AND, NOW.... Pretty bathroom.

Neutral color (Gobi desert from Behr, Home Depot). Spa like shower curtain with white leaves.

New faucet.

Discounted mirror from wal-mart that I crackle painted. We bought a mirror and when we pulled it out of the cardboard corner packaging, the edges were cracked and broken. We didn't have the receipt so I bought some crackle spray paint from Micheals (gold base coat, black top coat.) I love the way it turned out.

I love the new cabinet top, as the sink is a little smaller than the old one and it gives me a little more counter space. I'm very excited to have a little more area to set things down, like my makeup bag.

I found a luxurious bathroom mat at Wally World ( I couldn't believe how thick and nice it was for the price) and so now my feet will be comfy in the mornings. We still need to get a matching hand towel ring that goes with the towel bar and such, but we'll get that when we have more money. I haven't hung anything on the walls to decorate yet, since we don't have much wall space. I have room over the shower curtain and over my towel bar, but that is pretty much it except for the area by the door, but I'll need something really shallow since it is a walkway.

So, do you like how it turned out? I love it. When I finally got to use the new shower, Charlie found me in there talking to the shower head, telling it how much I missed it. :)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

my cute niece

This lovely holiday weekend we attended a 90th birthday celebration for Charlie's grandmother, Virginia. Charlie's mother asked me to take pictures at the party, and I was all ready to, but my camera battery started blinking as soon as I turned it on. Seems Charlie had taken pictures the other day and returned my camera to the bag with it turned on.

I got a couple of pictures of the crowd, including this one of Jessica and Cheyenne (my niece). Aren 't they cute?

The party was nice and I think Grandma enjoyed it. It was kind of a surprise party, but we didn't shout "surprise" or anything. We didn't want to scare her or anything, seeing as she is 90. The whole family was there and although I had never been to the rest home where she lives (she's only been there a few months) and it was lovely. More like a hotel than a nursing home. My mom was with us too, and she really liked the look of the place. We were joking that she has picked out a new home for when she's older.

My temp job is going well, although it is only day 2. I am learning quite a bit about new computer systems, which I like. I like to learn new things.

Okay. That's my update for you. I know it is sad and skimpy and not really full of information. Our bathroom is almost finished, so I will have more pictures of the remodel soon. Suffice it to say that it has taken more time and more money than we thought it would, but don't all projects need more time and money? Soon, people, soon. Yes, Misfit, I know you want them sooner rather than later.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

temp job

It isn't quite fall here, even though school already started and we are all ready for cooler weather. Totally ready. It has been the hottest August on record, I think, but I could be making that up.

A friend from church found me a temp job at the company she works for, and I start there on Tuesday. It should run for six weeks, and then if I like it and they like me, I might get to keep it. This is good news. I'm nervous about it, because it is an office job and something new to me. I know a little, and am a quick learner, so I hope it turns out well.

Michaels is going to continue to let me work on Saturdays with an option to come back if them temp thing doesn't work out. The Christmas season will be in full swing in six weeks, so they'll need extra help. My boss has been so great about being flexible with me and I really appreciate it.

Yes, this is a new job and some financial security, which we need. I'm glad for that. It will help me sleep at night, knowing I have somewhere to go everyday and with a more normal schedule. I won't have to work nights anymore and there are a couple people I know that work there, so I will have a couple friends there, at least.

I know this isn't the most exciting update, and I wish I had a more thrilling announcement, but the temp job came along at a good time. I'll let you know more about it after I start on Tuesday.

Enjoy your labor day weekend!