Tuesday, September 28, 2010

when you feel small

Time passes. All the time. Each moment passes by without giving us the chance to grab it. A blink of an eye can change things. One phone call. One red light. One lost dream. Missed chances. Things unsaid.

The past year has been difficult. This summer was an experiment in the emotional roller coaster that was my old job. August was a time of desperate looking for work while hours and hours were spent at Michaels. The past couple of weeks has been a time of learning at my temp job.

It has been a season in a valley. A season at the bottom. A season thirsty for water that was not offered me.

Ever have the feeling that you are small? So small and below notice? When you stand at the base of a building and stare up at the sky and realize that you are just one small cog in a machine that chugs on everyday?

I am a complex person. An overthinker. A dreamer. A girl with an overactive imagination. I am not simple or easy. My husband says he fell in love with me because I was a girl that was absent of drama, but if he only knew all the crap that bounces around in my head and didn't say, he might have me committed. :) I am not easy. I feel pressured and left behind and under appreciated and like a victim and without courage to face my attackers and I feel small. Wasted.

Looking back two years, when we started down this road to adoption, I felt so hopeful. I felt right in the middle of God's plan. And when our adoption fell apart, I was sad, but I still felt like there was something around the corner. Now it has been more than a year since then and I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to plan or think or keep moving forward. I do know we are updating our home study and the social worker is coming in a couple of weeks.

I feel small.

I want to feel like a mother, but that isn't happening yet.

The world keeps moving around us all, and even in my pain I know that. My self-centered little world is not a bubble, even as much as I wish it might be. My tendency to keep pulling inside and isolate myself isn't a good one, and I've been trying to force myself out of my shell a little. Share a little of myself with people. I'm not always good at it, but I'm trying.

All this rambling is really to say that I'm trying not to be small. I'm trying to let my world get a little bigger, invite more people in. I'm trying. I want to make my world bigger. It's all I can say.

Because my God doesn't ignore small. He works with small all the time. I know in my mind that he will take care of me, but in my heart I'm feeling overwhelmed. I know in my mind that there will come a time when this season will be over, and my thirst will be quenched. I know there is a time when someone will call me mommy. I believe it.

When you feel small, take a breath and puff yourself up and know that you are larger than your problems. You are bigger than the pain. God's love is exponentially bigger than my bubble. For now, I continue to pray through the worry, the butterflies in my stomach and push myself outside my box. I will not let small defeat me. I will not let my bubble be my only world.

Do not let small defeat you.


Karrie said...

I'm so sorry you feel this way. No one should ever have to feel small.
I hate that domestic adoption is so hard on those who wait. The unknow timing of it all must be unbearable. I initially wanted to go this way, but I just couldn't do it. I'm not strong enough. I'm a control freak. Not being in control of something this important to me? I would totally freak out.

We are hoping to adopt a son, but are planning to go the Special Needs route from China. I can't stand the thought of waiting to be picked. Waiting for someone to say that I'm good enough. I'm not strong enough for that. I know it's not a popularity contest. But it hurts, none the less.

You shouldn't have to wait. Not for this. You have been a Mom since the day you started this walk. My heart goes out to you.
And my prayers. I suppose faith is needed most. As with all things.

And with that... I must add...

Wishing you better days ahead,

Alison said...

I've felt small my whole life and I know how horrible that feels. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. I'm a lot like you...absent of drama on the outside, but what goes on inside my head is pretty scary.

You're always in my thoughts and prayers!!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing this post - I understand the overwhelmed, frustrated, waiting feeling. I keep thinking that we are in the desert, and sooner or later God will bring us to an easier, or at least different land - in the meantime, I am going to go pray right now and offer up the small, tightly curled up self that I have been lately ...


Frizzy and Bird said...

Sissy, Your post is beautiful and painfully honest. There is so much I would like to share with you but right now don't feel qualified or like the right person. I love Kerrie's comments and her honesty as well.

Waiting to be chosen is horrible. Being chosen and the situation not feeling right or coming to fruition is torturous beyond imagination or understanding.

Please know you and your child continue to be in my prayers. I wish I could give you a huge hug. I wish we could watch a rerun of Friends together. I wish I could snap my fingers and have this valley be over for you.

I can't wait for the day you get to shout from the rooftops your baby has arrived and we all get to celebrate your bundle of joy and God's plan.

Jeri@GodsDreamsForMe Ⓥ said...

"Because my God doesn't ignore small. He works with small all the time."

I'm encouraged by your courage. It lifted me up to read your words of pain coupled with your will to keep moving forward with God in it all.

I feel like jumping up and down with you and saying Woohoo!!!

I will not let small defeat me. Thank you Sissy. Yeah!!!

the lady of the house said...

Satan is a LIAR and he is telling you lies - making you feel like you are irrelevant. My mama always says, "He comes to Lie, Steal and Destroy." - "He's a pig!" (is another thing she says... that one always makes me kinda chuckle.)

These quotes always goes through my mind when I start feeling down and out & she. is. right.

Don't give him the pleasure of feeling like he's on top of his game.


HIS eye is on the sparrow, girlfriend.

Hugs, The Lady

marge said...

a couple of things:
1. that was some pretty darn good writing. i'm impressed with your bad self! ;)
2. you are absolutely right. God is bigger than the bubble and cares intimately for you.
3. i know God has an amazing plan and purpose JUST FOR YOU. a role no one else can fill. and i can't wait to see that happen. now, whether it takes 3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years, we'll have to wait and see...but i can't wait to see you fill the shoes that were made just for you. ;) ps: i hope they're not heels. haha
love you girl!

the misfit said...

That's beautifully said. I've definitely had times when the bigness of the world seemed like a red carpet rolling out in front of me, welcoming me into all sorts of adventures - and other times, more common lately, in which all the immenseness seems designed just to oppress me personally.

Good luck with fighting back.

Melissa said...

Hey Sissy, It's me hunnybee! Do you remember me? It's been so long since we've connected but I've thought about you many times and checked back to your blog.
I'm sorry you are still waiting. I can't relate to your specifics, but I certainly understand waiting on God's plan and waiting to be whole.
That's been my struggle with depression, if you remember. It is so hard to feel so small and so out of control. And I wish I had an answer for everyone (including me!) who asks "why?".
Just know that you are loved by so many! Most especially your heavenly father.
Be blessed and hang in there!