Wednesday, September 22, 2010

how did you know?

Infidelity has been on my mind lately. Not because it happened to me or anyone close to me, but because of several different tv shows we've watched. Who knows why people cheat? And almost anything can be explained away by selfishness and circumstance, and some people cannot deal, and some make it a point to get past it.

I do know that it is a choice. Maybe the choice comes as you slip into that hotel room, or find an excuse to call someone who you have no business calling after hours. It might seem like something you need to do, but in reality, you need to think about the vows or commitments you made and make a different choice. If not for choices, things might be a lot different.

And how do you decide the relationship is worth the getting past the infidelity? I mean, in a marriage, I think you do what you have to do to get past it and move on. You do the work. Now, I've never been faced with this, but I have seen it done. I've also seen the reverse, where infidelity is the deal breaker. Did God give us a deal breaker clause? I don't remember it.

The other night we watched Date Night with Tina Fey and Steve Carell. And while the movie is silly and funny and an adventure, the best five minutes is at the end when the two characters are sitting in a diner after surviving their horrible night and they share a moment. He looks up at her and says "I would choose you every time." That was quite a moment. A real marriage moment. I thought about my husband and wondered how he ever chose me.

So that brought me around to asking a question. How did you know that the one you married was the one who would be your forever? What made him the one? Was it something you checked off on a list, or something you just felt? With Charlie, I just knew. It was something that grew on me ever so gradually (although quickly, since we only dated a few months.) It was something in the way he held my hand, like he never wanted to let go.

And so, we stood up at our church one July and said the words. The ones millions of people say, but I don't know that everyone knows what they mean. "For better or for worse" means SO much, probably way more than any of us will ever know. There is much encompassed in that statement, and it is what tests us all. The highs are easy, but the lows are where we see the backbone of our partner. Infertility is a deep canyon, and if you can come out the other side with a stronger relationship, consider yourself blessed. Infertility opened up lines of communication and broke down some walls in my marriage. It isn't easy. And you all can testify to that fact.

So, share with me your story. Please.


marge said...

good stuff girl! we knew because before we met each other, we both prayed that the other would say something very specific. we both did, by the grace of God, and now we have a story that hopefully will help us always remember that we were brought together by God.

Bailey's Leaf said...

My husband and I had both signed up for the same class in college and that is where we met. Hubs started taking Climatology the semester before, had a B+ and still dropped it. For me, I needed upper level division credits, and Climatology popped up when I was playing the numeric lottery game on the phone while trying to schedule for my classes. That's a little back story to tell you that we knew. From the first night, we knew. I'll never forget. We were going down the highway, Hubs was falling ill with the stomach flu that I had earlier on in the week (no, we had NO physical contact in any way, but he lucked out on it, too.) He was starting to worry about ruining our night and I informed him that I wasn't going anywhere. I sat in his truck in a gas station parking lot waiting for him to pull himself around and he said that at the moment he came out and saw me (by the light of the Snapple machine) still sitting there waiting for him that it was all good. We just knew. We discussed kids on our first date. We talked about adoption from our very first date.

We just knew.

More Than Anything said...

I don't remember there being one moment where I knew my husband was "the one". Our love grew over time and eventually we knew we would be forever.

I've also been on the shitty end of infidelity. 5 years into our marriage the unimaginable happened...I found out my husband had an affair. I do NOT blame myself for his infidelity, but I know I had some cause. We grew apart, we weren't talking about "real" things. Very superficial. He found someone that would talk to him the way he wanted and value everything he said. There are no excuses. Nothing makes its better, except time and hard work. At first I wanted out, I wanted nothing to do with him. I hated what he did to us...still do. But I didn't hate him and I knew God wouldn't want me to. We swore before God and everyone else that we would love each other through thick and thin.

I pray no one else goes through what we did.

Laurie said...

He got me. Like noone else ever had. And he looked at me like he couldn't believe I was with him, like how did he get so lucky. I was hesitant because he is a year younger and a guitar player, I thought I had an idea of what my future husband would be/do...and he wasn't that, on the surface. But he charmed me with his humor and lack of pretense. We dated 6 months when he proposed but he told me that he put a down payment on my ring on the morning of our first date.

A Family of Love said...

We met in high school and I think we both just knew that we were made for each other. We have been together for 16 years/married 12. We've had ups and downs but our love for each other is stronger every day.

Rachel said...

We both prayed - without being in contact with each other - before we "met" (we actually met in 7th grade...long story). We had both listened for and waited on God, and when we got together, we just knew. I knew after our first pseudo-date, because I trust God, and I heard His still small whisper that Keith was the one for me!

Alison said...

Hmm, to be honest, when I got married I don't think I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that Craig was the one. Obviously, that's not the best way to enter a marriage, but I was young and really unsure of everything so I I took a big leap of faith. Generally, that's not the way I operate, but it's proven to be a pretty good decision. You're right, the highs are great, but the lows really test you. The lows bring out the ugly, but when you can overcome the ugliness, it does make your bond even stronger. I can't for a second even fathom how I'd deal with infidelity. Sometimes it is a deal breaker if the guilty party is unwilling to change.

Jamie said...

Love this post. Drew and I watched Date Night the other night too!
As for me and my story... Drew knew way before I did that I was the one. It took me a bit more convincing. And though I used to hate when people would tell me, "I just knew..." honestly, that's how it was. I prayed about it, and asked God for clear guidance and to let me know if this whole thing was just getting swept away in the emotions. Every time I prayed about it, I had a immense peace. When I stopped overanalyzing the situation and relaxed into it, I realized I was crazy about him and this was it.

Frizzy and Bird said...

Like you our courtship was brief. Like you we have seen friends and family members let go of their marriage after someone's infidelity. That's the one thing Bird and I know we couldn't get passed. How do you learn to ever trust again? We call it our deal breaker.

Like you, infertility, job loss and even our adoption journey at moments has tested our marriage. It's those valleys that make you crack or bring you closer together. We are so thankful that we have grown closer through our valleys. I love him so much more than I did on our wedding day. I never imagined that would be possible.

Loved your post today my dear!