the down and dirty truth

To say that the last couple of weeks have been hard or strange would really be an understatement. To say that the last week has been hurtful would be true. To say that is has damaged my self-worth, played yo-yo with my emotions and really forced me to rely on our savior would be the absolute down and dirty.

My job has been cut to 10 hours a week.

My nice, salary-paying, health insurance giving, book reading job as a librarian is basically gone, and in it's place is the title "library aide."

Yup.

Its a story that goes back to last October when the technology facilitator left and the office wanted to combine my job with that job and have one person fulfilling both roles. I was informed of that and invited to interview for the position. Invited to interview. I did not think the two jobs could be done by one person, and said so. I started to look for new jobs, knowing that mine was safe through the end of the school year.

But then something started to happen. I had to do the job, because no one was there to do it. I solved technology problems, I facilitated the school-wide new computer exchange, I performed the technology inventory along with the library inventory. I did it.

At the end of the school year, I told the assistant principal I was willing to talk about the position, being more confident in my abilities to handle it. I was told that the principal would let me know.

Then they hired someone else and I got an email saying there would be 10-15 hours available for me. As an aide.

Of course, there is always more to the story and in this case that is true. But, I'm trying not to be spiteful and vindictive and cry out "it's not fair!" and "what could you be thinking?" and a few other choice words that aren't appropriate for me to type. I've cried and prayed and struggled with this, and I still come out feeling less-than and unwanted. I come out feeling not-enough and cast aside. I come out feeling unheard, un-cared for and shafted.

And I'm right. I did the get shaft.

But I'm really not unwanted and un-cared for by the people that matter. This was just my boss and the school system, not my family, not my husband, not my God. The reality is that YES, I'm hurting and scared and not sure where the money is going to come from, but God knows. He will see us through, even if I don't grasp that right now. Even if I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel or how it will possibly work out or how I will face all my co-workers feeling so embarrassed. And how it isn't the fault of the person they hired and so I shouldn't blame her at all.

We all want other people to see us and say "Isn't she wonderful?" but the truth is that not everyone is going to think that about us, and in this case, my principal just doesn't see me in that role. No matter how hard I worked or what I did.

So it makes me wonder what other role God has planned for me. What will he teach me next about myself? Where will he lead me? I pray that I can receive his peace and release the worry. I pray that I choose to believe his promises and release the feeling of shifting sands beneath my feet. I pray that I can talk about the details with my boss without dissolving into a puddle. I pray that I can clean out my desk and be thankful for the hours I will get, instead of mourning the ones I lost. I pray that I can explain this to little faces who wonder why I'm not the librarian any more when that's all I wanted to be.

I hope that you will pray with me.

See? The down and dirty truth. It hurts. It exposes me. It shows my weakness when all I want to do is show you my good side. I've hinted around in a couple of past posts that bad job things were happening, but I didn't want to tell you until I was sure. I still haven't told my mom. I'm just so embarrassed.