Wednesday, July 14, 2010

the down and dirty truth

To say that the last couple of weeks have been hard or strange would really be an understatement. To say that the last week has been hurtful would be true. To say that is has damaged my self-worth, played yo-yo with my emotions and really forced me to rely on our savior would be the absolute down and dirty.

My job has been cut to 10 hours a week.

My nice, salary-paying, health insurance giving, book reading job as a librarian is basically gone, and in it's place is the title "library aide."


Its a story that goes back to last October when the technology facilitator left and the office wanted to combine my job with that job and have one person fulfilling both roles. I was informed of that and invited to interview for the position. Invited to interview. I did not think the two jobs could be done by one person, and said so. I started to look for new jobs, knowing that mine was safe through the end of the school year.

But then something started to happen. I had to do the job, because no one was there to do it. I solved technology problems, I facilitated the school-wide new computer exchange, I performed the technology inventory along with the library inventory. I did it.

At the end of the school year, I told the assistant principal I was willing to talk about the position, being more confident in my abilities to handle it. I was told that the principal would let me know.

Then they hired someone else and I got an email saying there would be 10-15 hours available for me. As an aide.

Of course, there is always more to the story and in this case that is true. But, I'm trying not to be spiteful and vindictive and cry out "it's not fair!" and "what could you be thinking?" and a few other choice words that aren't appropriate for me to type. I've cried and prayed and struggled with this, and I still come out feeling less-than and unwanted. I come out feeling not-enough and cast aside. I come out feeling unheard, un-cared for and shafted.

And I'm right. I did the get shaft.

But I'm really not unwanted and un-cared for by the people that matter. This was just my boss and the school system, not my family, not my husband, not my God. The reality is that YES, I'm hurting and scared and not sure where the money is going to come from, but God knows. He will see us through, even if I don't grasp that right now. Even if I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel or how it will possibly work out or how I will face all my co-workers feeling so embarrassed. And how it isn't the fault of the person they hired and so I shouldn't blame her at all.

We all want other people to see us and say "Isn't she wonderful?" but the truth is that not everyone is going to think that about us, and in this case, my principal just doesn't see me in that role. No matter how hard I worked or what I did.

So it makes me wonder what other role God has planned for me. What will he teach me next about myself? Where will he lead me? I pray that I can receive his peace and release the worry. I pray that I choose to believe his promises and release the feeling of shifting sands beneath my feet. I pray that I can talk about the details with my boss without dissolving into a puddle. I pray that I can clean out my desk and be thankful for the hours I will get, instead of mourning the ones I lost. I pray that I can explain this to little faces who wonder why I'm not the librarian any more when that's all I wanted to be.

I hope that you will pray with me.

See? The down and dirty truth. It hurts. It exposes me. It shows my weakness when all I want to do is show you my good side. I've hinted around in a couple of past posts that bad job things were happening, but I didn't want to tell you until I was sure. I still haven't told my mom. I'm just so embarrassed.


marge said...

You are exactly where God wants you to be. And He will take care of you in ways that are better than we could ever imagine. There is NO reason to be embarrassed because you are doing a great job. Hang in there!

marge said...

You are exactly where God wants you to be. And He will take care of you in ways that are better than we could ever imagine. There is NO reason to be embarrassed because you are doing a great job. Hang in there!

A Family of Love said...

Praying for you!

KT said...

I have been having job problems recently too...a bit different than yours. I haven't blogged about it because it is so difficult to write about.

Job issues are never fun, but most people don't have to deal with them in regards to having this "unknown" adoption factor hanging around. This just makes things very confusing...and the outside world does not get this.

I am sorry this certainly did get the crappy end of the deal. Why is life so unfair? Good work ethic should be rewarded...but it seems that in recent times, this is not the case...and it saddens me.

J+TMcLamb said...

Praying for you Sissy! "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11). "This is my command--be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9).

Trisha said...

I am so sorry! I will praying for God's peace, provision, and guidance for you in the days and weeks to come. This was in my devotional this morning: "God never promised you a Disneyland. He offers something better-His own sustaining presence through any trouble you may encounter." "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee" Hebrews 13:5.

Amazing Life said...

Praying for you and your tender spirit!

You're right, it does hurt!!

I lost my job in a similar fashion last month and was asked to train the two new replacements before I left. They offered me to work some extra time afterwards to keep training but I could not because I now was without insurance and had to try to get medicaid to cover my maternity care. It did hurt my self esteem and it still hurts when I think about it!

You will make it through, I know that trust is hard right now, but I beleive that God will allow great fruit to come out of this injustice!!

Laurie said...

I know how you feel about the embarrassment! Even though I only lost a part-time job, it was because I stood up to the director at a daycare and told her she needed to treat me better or find someone else. She found someone else...which was fine by me but then I had to pull my kids out of the school and she didn't even let me say goodbye to my students or aide. It was all so deplorable. I can't imagine how you feel losing a full time job like that for no fault of your own at all. I will surely pray for you!!

WheelbarrowRider said...

You are right to be frustrated, but I am glad you are keeping it in perspective. What truly matters is still in place, and you can continue to trust that He will provide. So sorry you are going through this though.

Little JoAnn said...

I am glad you shared what you did. How horrible. They sound like they had plans to cut and slash and burn no matter what you did, no matter how hard you worked--and THEY sure worked you!

You accomplished MORE THAN two peoples worth of work. I would be very upset if I was in your situation as well. But, the down and dirty truth is that you have an unjust, unkind, and unethical employer.

God has something MUCH better in STORE for you!

Ann - Building a Nest said...

Sissy, I am so sorry this happened to you. I just said my prayers for you. You are going to make it through this.

Kelly said...

((hugs)) this just means God's got something better planned for you!

J. Henry said...

Unbelievable. I'm so sorry your boss treated that way and has put you in this position. I will definitely be praying for you... promise.

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

I agree with marge, you are excatly where God wants you to be. He has a plan for you and this is it! He has something better for you planned already, and this is just to push you to it!
I know it stinks what happend but it will get better! *prayers* :)

H said...

I'm so sorry that this was thrown your way, Sissy...I am praying for you, and I hope that what comes out of it is even better! ((HUG))

Alison said...

I"m so sorry, Sissy. It's nice to have perspective and to know that things will workout, but for now, it hurts. It just plain sucks. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I will pray for you.

the misfit said...

That's rotten and I'm so sorry. I've never been the target of political/inappropriate job maneuvering yet, but I have seen it happen to other people (whom I couldn't help) and it's rotten. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, and I pray you'll find your next - and even better! - spot soon.

Is it perhaps inconsistent with the spirit of prayer you've adopted to say that I hope that your successor is unable to handle the combined jobs in the way that you were, and the school realizes it made a serious mistake?

Kristy said...

I know the feeling. I lost my job in June of 2009 and still have not found is not an ideal time for teachers in NJ and being pregnant doesn't help the job situation. I have odd jobs lined up to get us through the summer and then subbing in the fall.....after the baby comes in November who knows.... i am scared to death not knowing where money is coming from and knowing we are having a baby....scary!!!! But God will provide and I know it will all work out!