Friday, November 6, 2009

an anniversary of sorts

It all started with a simple conversation. Charlie and I were talking and I asked him how often people asked him about the adoption. He replied that it didn't happen that often to him, whereas in my world, I get asked all the time. I work in education, which is a totally female dominated field and babies are a great topic of conversation. The question comes up regularly and there hasn't been a great answer lately. There won't be any news, until there is BIG news.

This morning started off with a question from a parent, "How is your adoption stuff going?" And I started laughing. It was the timing that made it perfect. But her question wasn't really about me, as much as it was about her wanting information. She and her husband are considering adopting, and she was wondering out loud. Her primary concern was that her husband, at 52, would be too old. And I knew it would be a factor for some international adoptions, but not all. After she left, I was curious, so I looked it up for her and found an agency with a chart that I printed out and gave to her later, showing the countries that allow adoptions up to age 55 or 60.

That was the beginning of the story. The end is where I sit at my desk and cry, because as much as I try to have a positive outlook on the waiting, and as much as I try to enjoy our couple time, the waiting can be unbearable sometimes. It's a weight that presses down on my joyful spirit. It's an unanswered question. I don't know when, I can't tell you when, I can't make any plans, all I can do is wait and wish. It isn't my favorite thing.

But I know my Lord is faithful, and I have to believe that my turn will come someday. The papers are filed, our profile is out there, and prayers are being said for us all around the state. It's just a lonely place to be, wanting it so much, and knowing I have absolutely, positively, NO control over when it happens. I want to plan, and I can't. I know it's about trust, this lesson I'm learning, but I seem to be slow in getting there.

The first part of adopting, the paperwork part, is the part you feel good about. You're getting things done, making copies, getting references, having a physical, checking it all off this big huge list. And then comes the homestudy and all those intrusive questions into your life and marriage, but it's another thing you can check off. Then you finish your pretty little profile book, and send it off. And then there isn't any more to do, except be matched.

Hurry up and wait.

This week has been hard, cause it is on my mind. It was about a year ago this time that we decided to try and find an agency and met with them on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. It's an anniversary of sorts, I guess. And it isn't that we thought we would have a baby by now, but when the first match happened so quickly, it just seemed like everything was going our way. It took five months the first time. Now it has been another five months and nothing. Just waiting. Just waiting.

And waiting. But waiting with His blessing.


redeemed diva said...

another really amazing post, Sissy. I know that this is really hard--or at least, you help me to know that by what you are writing. It's not going to take until you are 60! But thanks for including us in this part of the jouurney--the part that usually gets described in one sentence "And we waited for a long time and then we finally got to adopt." Until I read your blog, I don't think I realized just how heavy and full of meaning that sentence is. Thank you, thank you.