november update

So I did get some news this week. Our adoption agency wanted to see if they could have lunch with Charlie and me. It seems they are working on ways to reach out to adoptive parents while they are in the waiting stage, and offer some support. Although, we couldn't meet up with them due to scheduling stuff at this time of year, I thought it was a really nice gesture. As you might have read over the last couple of posts, I am tired of waiting. It was nice to have them be there to support us and want to reach out.

The other news was that they are working with two birthmothers, and possibly a third. That was great news for us. When last we talked to them, they were in a lull and hadn't had any calls. While they may not even meet our qualifications (like for race or religion or whatever) and they may not choose us, it is at least good news that they are getting some business. It improves the odds that we MIGHT get chosen, right?

So, keep praying for us. It would be wonderful if we could get chosen, but just keep praying that our agency continues to get calls and birthmothers.

is there another word for "waiting?"

We haven't heard anything from the agency. I guess there really isn't too much going on, and of course you know I wish there was. When the adoption was falling into place last spring, it just seemed like it was happening, you know? We were so close.

Now it is cold and rainy and my thoughts feel like that too. Even though I had an awesome birthday weekend, the waiting weighs me down. It's always there, this constant wish that we'll get the call again soon. I check my phone, but there's nothing.

Then I think about how stressful it all was last time, during those weeks we were waiting for the baby to be born. How I didn't sleep and worried all the time, and maybe I'm not anxious to relive that. Those weeks were hard, and the outcome negative, and there's no promise that it won't happen again.

But, in the midst of all this rain, I know my Lord is there. It's hard to remember sometimes, but I see him in little ways. I keep giving my sorrows back to him, saying, take this hurt Lord and make it something you can use. Let me be a blessing to someone.

an anniversary of sorts

It all started with a simple conversation. Charlie and I were talking and I asked him how often people asked him about the adoption. He replied that it didn't happen that often to him, whereas in my world, I get asked all the time. I work in education, which is a totally female dominated field and babies are a great topic of conversation. The question comes up regularly and there hasn't been a great answer lately. There won't be any news, until there is BIG news.

This morning started off with a question from a parent, "How is your adoption stuff going?" And I started laughing. It was the timing that made it perfect. But her question wasn't really about me, as much as it was about her wanting information. She and her husband are considering adopting, and she was wondering out loud. Her primary concern was that her husband, at 52, would be too old. And I knew it would be a factor for some international adoptions, but not all. After she left, I was curious, so I looked it up for her and found an agency with a chart that I printed out and gave to her later, showing the countries that allow adoptions up to age 55 or 60.

That was the beginning of the story. The end is where I sit at my desk and cry, because as much as I try to have a positive outlook on the waiting, and as much as I try to enjoy our couple time, the waiting can be unbearable sometimes. It's a weight that presses down on my joyful spirit. It's an unanswered question. I don't know when, I can't tell you when, I can't make any plans, all I can do is wait and wish. It isn't my favorite thing.

But I know my Lord is faithful, and I have to believe that my turn will come someday. The papers are filed, our profile is out there, and prayers are being said for us all around the state. It's just a lonely place to be, wanting it so much, and knowing I have absolutely, positively, NO control over when it happens. I want to plan, and I can't. I know it's about trust, this lesson I'm learning, but I seem to be slow in getting there.

The first part of adopting, the paperwork part, is the part you feel good about. You're getting things done, making copies, getting references, having a physical, checking it all off this big huge list. And then comes the homestudy and all those intrusive questions into your life and marriage, but it's another thing you can check off. Then you finish your pretty little profile book, and send it off. And then there isn't any more to do, except be matched.

Hurry up and wait.

This week has been hard, cause it is on my mind. It was about a year ago this time that we decided to try and find an agency and met with them on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. It's an anniversary of sorts, I guess. And it isn't that we thought we would have a baby by now, but when the first match happened so quickly, it just seemed like everything was going our way. It took five months the first time. Now it has been another five months and nothing. Just waiting. Just waiting.

And waiting. But waiting with His blessing.