The past two weeks have been among the most stressful of my life, and I can't really explain all that must be floating around in my psyche, but the anxiety washes over me, wave after wave. Most of you know that I have interstitial cystitis, which basically means I have an irritated bladder and have to run for the restroom a lot. My bladder often feels full, but isn't. It is horrible, I can admit, but over the several years since the diagnosis it has been pretty much under control with vitamins and a bland diet. I tend to struggle most on long trips in the car, when I feel like I have to go but don't really, but there isn't a bathroom nearby.
But, I had to change my diet a couple months ago in order to lose some weight and maybe this has brought it on, but my IC has been so bad. BAD. So bad, in fact, that I have had some panic attacks. I have had them in the car on the way to school (I work 30 minutes away) and even at school when I'm with the kids and can't leave the classroom. It has been very scary and very hard.
Last Sunday our pastor talked about dealing with fear and how hard it can be to be released from it. That sermon was for me! I get so scared about whether there will be a bathroom break or will I look like a moron having to get up to go every hour or when someone spontaneously wants to drive 90 minutes away to go to the mall. Ugh. I felt trapped in my classroom the other day, like I couldn't face the drive home and would just need to set up camp in my classroom. Live there.
I went down for prayer on Sunday and sobbed on the poor elders and cried and said that fear pretty much takes over. I'm scared all the time. About stupid things. About things I can't change, and that normal people would just deal with. I need to be released from this anxiety and fear.
You should hear me in the car sometimes, when it starts to get bad and I start to shout at the Lord to heal me and deliver me. I'm sure people driving down the interstate are getting a treat of this crazy woman pounding her fist on the dashboard! I am determined that this bond of fear will be broken, and the Lord is going to work through me and make me a better woman.
Please add your prayers to mine and if you think of me during the day, offer me up. And if anyone knows any good devotionals on fear, please let me know. I'm desperate for anything Biblical that deals with fear and how to get through it.
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6 comments:
Oh, wow. This hits close to home for me because I've been dealing with very serious anxiety for the past two weeks. What you describe - the waves of panic, the debilitating fear - sounds all too familiar. I haven't posted about it, but I've come close because I also considered asking for prayers. So you definitely have mine. For your anxiety and for your healing. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please, Lord, deliver her from this! I pray you get your life back very, very soon. Mine has begun to let up a bit and I know yours will too.
You are in my prayers. Been exactly where you are. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Stay faithful and close to Jesus. He will heal you. God Bless!
I am praying, too!! I am so sorry to hear this - what I'm thinking of now are words to one of my favorite songs in church:
"Be not afraid, I go before you always. Come follow me, and I will give you rest."
Praying for you!!! I hope that this phase passes quickly!
Oh, Sissy. I have been away from the blogosphere for over a year and what are the odds I come back today and this is the first post I read.
I know that fear, panic, isolation from social situations. I know exactly what you describe when you talk about worrying about bathroom breaks or how it looks when you have to excuse yourself so often. I also have interstitial cystitis. It is a nightmare like no other and so so hard for others to understand.
I used to go to the bathroom around every 30-60 minutes during the day and every 1.5-2 hours at night. It was so hard for anyone to understand how hard it was as most chronic conditions are. There is NO BREAK from it. There is no escaping or getting away for just a couple hours to let your body or mind relax. That kind of mental stress is exhausting.
I stopped wearing jeans and used to hold my lap belt away from my abdomen when I drove to ward off the pain. I had to know where the bathroom was for any place I entered. I mostly came home from work and collapsed on the couch from exhaustion. Everything I previously enjoyed went to the wayside. It was full on survival mode.
I tried the diet and saw so many doctors as well as a physical therapist who did internal bladder massages (yes, really) and every treatment failed. I finally found someone who I now consider my guardian angel. He LISTENED so well. I began plotting every void: time, length of time (based on me counting 1-Mississippi, 2-Mississippi...), pain on scale from 1 to 10. I also included food journals and stress levels.
With all of this I also began taking Elmiron 3x a day and Hydroxyzine at night as well as doing bladder instillations in my doctor's office. It didn't happen over night, but over the course of weekly doctor visits and all the charting, we continued to adjust my meds and bladder cocktail until we seemed to have it right.
My doctor then released me with the ability and meds to be able to do my own instillations at home. Yes, I can insert my own catheters. LOL.
It has all changed my life in ways I cannot describe. I wrote my doctor a letter a couple years ago describing how he helped change my life. It's at: http://goalsforfocusandotherrandomcrap.blogspot.com/2011/01/097-thank-3-people-who-have-bettered-my.html.
You are most definitely in my thoughts. Please drop me a line anytime if you would like to talk. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Great big giant hugs coming your way.
Thanks for sharing ... and for giving me the opportunity to pray for you. I'm so sorry to read about your chronic condition and how stressful it is to live with. I'll be praying for relief for you.
Jesus said to just have faith the size of a mustard seed. And you do! Continue to believe. And pound on your dashboard. :-)
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