Sunday, July 19, 2009

thoughts about stuff

Sundays are always emotional for me, something about the worship service at church, I think. I don't normally wear much eyeliner to church, because I tend to cry. I am a big crybaby, I can admit it. I can totally admit it. But the music and words get to me, and the emotion comes flowing out.

This week I found out that two friends are pregnant, and I'm so excited for them. Jealous, but excited. I know how thrilled I was when we found out a birthmother had chosen us, and can only imagine how excited women are to see the stick turn pink. I jumped up and down with the ladies at my work and cried with Charlie on the phone (see, I told you I was a crybaby.)

All of this to say that today during worship I was thinking about our birthmother and how she might be doing now. She was placing the baby up for adoption due to monetary reasons, and I wonder if she and the baby are all right. I want her to be all right.

We were singing:

You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know You are near.

The tears came. I think in the past months I have been ignoring God in small ways, blaming Him for the fact that the birthmother changed her mind. I think this baby has been all I have been focusing on, any baby, wanting to be a mother so bad, that I forgot that HE is what I want. I want to be in His will, following His plan.

It's so easy to get tunnelvision, to work towards one thing and ignore all others, and God doesn't want us to be like that. He wants us to be well-rounded while serving Him. There isn't much more to say than that. I know my eyes have been on this baby, and they should have been on Him.

I love worship.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

holding pattern

Not much to report at this time, since we are playing the waiting game again. I am working on our new profile book little by little, since we need to submit one in the appropriate size. We did have a random call from a friend about someone who was going to place a baby boy for adoption, but nothing came of it. I wasn't sure what to think about it, and it happened fast and then was over fast. The whole situation happened in a matter of two or three days.

We had to cancel the shower we planned and I hated that. I really felt embarrassed that we planned that big party and then had to undo all those plans, although I had no reason to feel embarrassed. I did nothing wrong. I am allowed to celebrate and mourn.

For now everything is in a holding pattern. The carseat is ready. The stroller is ready. The room is ready and our house is baby proofed. We just need an actual baby, so keep praying. And just in case you might actually know someone who wants to place a baby for adoption, keep us in mind. I know that sounds like some weird networking system, but some couples really go all out to make others aware that they are adopting. We could even write letters and circulate them to OB-GYN offices if we were so inclined, but I find that a little, I don't know, odd. That isn't even a good word, and I don't know what the right word is. We just know we want a baby, and I just keep trusting the Lord that it will happen.

Keep us in your prayers, that we will be walking down the path God intends and that He will bring us the perfect baby for our family. I want to stand firmly in His will.