Sunday, July 19, 2009

thoughts about stuff

Sundays are always emotional for me, something about the worship service at church, I think. I don't normally wear much eyeliner to church, because I tend to cry. I am a big crybaby, I can admit it. I can totally admit it. But the music and words get to me, and the emotion comes flowing out.

This week I found out that two friends are pregnant, and I'm so excited for them. Jealous, but excited. I know how thrilled I was when we found out a birthmother had chosen us, and can only imagine how excited women are to see the stick turn pink. I jumped up and down with the ladies at my work and cried with Charlie on the phone (see, I told you I was a crybaby.)

All of this to say that today during worship I was thinking about our birthmother and how she might be doing now. She was placing the baby up for adoption due to monetary reasons, and I wonder if she and the baby are all right. I want her to be all right.

We were singing:

You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know You are near.

The tears came. I think in the past months I have been ignoring God in small ways, blaming Him for the fact that the birthmother changed her mind. I think this baby has been all I have been focusing on, any baby, wanting to be a mother so bad, that I forgot that HE is what I want. I want to be in His will, following His plan.

It's so easy to get tunnelvision, to work towards one thing and ignore all others, and God doesn't want us to be like that. He wants us to be well-rounded while serving Him. There isn't much more to say than that. I know my eyes have been on this baby, and they should have been on Him.

I love worship.


Frizzy said...

Oh boy do I know you're pain. I said we're starting our second adoption awhile back right. Well, we started it but for some reason haven't gone forward much more. We know all the joy that came out of our first adoption but I honestly feel neither of us are quite ready to go through the ups and downs of the full ride yet. It's soooo hard waiting. God is always faithful to us why is it so hard to be that way back to him? Yaya's Foster mom is FINALLY going to start a blog tomorrow. She promised me it would be tomorrow. She has sooo much to share with us and so many stories that will inspire us and lift us up when we just can't see another minute ahead. I can't wait to hear her thoughts and words re. her 5 journeys to adoption. Not to mention some of the 300 or more stories from her times as a foster parent.

2China4Ayla said...

Sissy - Sunday while we were sinign that song I was thinking the same things. Is HE all I want - what if I had nothing else, and I literally had to pray for forgiveness for not putting Him first. It is hard to get blurry vision and thankfully we serve a God who wants to give us more then even we dream or desire. Love you!!!! Loved this post!!!! I am a crybaby too and I cannot tell you how many times I cried when I heard someone was pregnant or I was invited to a baby shower. Once I was in babiesrus buying a gift for a friends shower and just broke down in the middle of the store, balwing. Then out of the blue Brenda Smith appeared by my side with love and compassion. She took the gift to the shower for me since I was in no shape to do so! It is hard - INCREDIBLY hard to want a baby so desperately and watch it seem so easy for others when it seems impossible for you! I even remember getting adoption envy - had a friend going back to China for her 3rd and we were not quite financially ready to start our adoption and I was so jealous. Again, had to pray over that one. Ha. Anyway these are all absolutely normal feelings and I am so sorry you have to have them. I so wish it would be easier for you, afterall I know you will make one great Momma and I can't wait to celebrate the day it happens!!!!

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

I'm just checking in on you, was thinking about you today. Wanted to let you know I'm still praying!

There was a 6 month hold put on our Home Study... not by our choice. I really don't understand why adoption has to be so extremely heartwrenching. Sigh, it will all be worth it in the end, right?

KT said...

I stumbled across your blog when googling "what gift to bring to first time meeting with birthmom". We are meeting a birthmom for the first time this morning and I wanted to see what other people bring to their first-time meetings. A half hour later, I've read most of your blog! My heart goes out to you during this difficult, yet rewarding process. It's a rough road, but I'm joyful to see you are leaning on our Father! I will send up prayers for you whenever I read your blog because I'm going to be following it now :) Do you have a button on your page (that I'm looking for and can't find) to become a follower?

Amber said...

Hi, I just found your blog and I am excited to read more about you. I'm from western NC and we're just starting the adoption journey. I will be praying for your family! God bless you!