Friday, December 3, 2010

Dear Prayer Buddy,

I want to be in that photo right now. Warm, the sun on my face, away from winter. And I love Christmas, just not winter.

The more you grow up, the more adult you become, you realize that you can't run away from the things that hurt you. The wounds heal, the scars fade, but sometimes the memories take longer to fade.

My dreams get come back to get me. I'll think I've forgotten the sadness, the issues, but at night they come back to me. Then I spend the next day thinking about the world I've left behind, wondering if I haunt them the same way. If my colleagues are thinking about what happened to me, silently asking what I could have done to make the big bosses treat me that way. Maybe, maybe not. Over time, I know these dreams will fade too, but for now they are my companion, a ghostly reminder of what was and what is no more. I dream about the person who took my place, about the people who took it from me. I yell at them, or push them, or in one really random benadryl induced dream, threw a bowl of ice cream at one of them.

I don't mean to say that my life is horrible, or that I'm abused in any way, because I'm not. It's just that I'm not where I thought I would be at this point. I'm not who I intended to be. And notice all those I's. I think I must be where God intended me to be, but it looks different than I imagined. And I'm still hurting. One day I won't be, and I know that.

So, prayer buddy, prayers that would help me to follow God's will and path would be appreciated. Prayers for a child to come soon would be appreciated. Prayers that might spirit will lift would be appreciated.

3 comments:

Frizzy and Bird said...

I am praying all these things for you my dear. My heart breaks for you and all that you're going through. I'm sending you bearhugs across the miles.

Bumber's Bumblings said...

I'm not your prayer buddy, but I have started reading your blog. I said a prayer for you today. Been there and it does get better eventually. Prayers for you this Christmas season!

surpriseofunfolding said...

I hope it gets better for you soon - on all fronts. I am experiencing trials at work right now too so I have some way to relate.

I hope that Christmas brings you peace, joy, and a sense of the direction for you to take.

And I think the photo of you in the above post is lovely.

Andie