Wednesday, October 13, 2010

sharp edges

This is a time of jagged edges in my life. The path is not straight. The road is too winding. The trail is uphill.

I'm down in the valley. I'm searching for water.

Do I need anymore metaphors?

Here is the tricky thing about blogs when you are in a bad mood: people with good news only make you feel even more crabby!

Caveat: this is my bad mood and no reflection on your good news.

I wish that my heart was lifted every time I read about someone who finds out they are pregnant or gets "the call" about a baby to adopt. And sometimes it does. But in this season of job loss and adoption home study update, I feel like everyone around me is living a blessed life and I am missing out.

And I know some of the women who get pregnant or adopt babies have been waiting just as long or longer than me, and I know that there are women who will still be waiting AFTER our baby comes along. It's just part of what adoption blogging is...the befores become afters, eventually. And I know that just because I lost my job, and many of the people I worked with have suddenly forgotten me, it isn't really a reflection on me. I wish I had good news.

Oh, I guess I do...it looks like my temp job will become full time soon.

And see? I'm not celebrating it the way I should. Because it isn't the thing I want to celebrate. I want to have a baby in my nursery and a carseat in my car. Or a minivan in my driveway.

I'm in a bad mood.

Sharp edges around here.

And I bite my lip every time I read a blog with adoptive parents waiting for a baby to be born and crossing their fingers that the birthmother will sign the papers. Because I have only had it fall through. I know, one day, when I am here hold my baby, I might be able to offer more comfort to those women, but all I can say is "give it to God and let him handle it."

Sharp edges.

This blog isn't graceful right now, but it is real. This is where I'm at and who I am and in the midst of this season of sharp edges, I'll keep pushing on and muddling through.

Sigh.

9 comments:

Holly Rutchik said...

what a beautifully true post. No need to apologize for how you feel - and knowing you feel this way and being honest enoguh to share it means that in the long run, you are dealing with all these hardships in a healthy way. I don't carry the same cross you do, but in our short marraige we have had crisis after crisis and I too feel like I am at the point where other people's blessings make me upset because I wonder, "why does everything come so easy for everyone else but us? What are we doing wrong?" Wouldn't it be simple if that were the case. But, it is not, you are not doing anything wrong - God has chosen you and must think you can do wonders with your suffering. I will be praying for you and for your baby to find you.

KT said...

Sissy,

I am in the same mood as you; I have been choosing not to write about my "sharp edges", but maybe I will soon.

I suppose what I hate the most is following blogs, seeing children come into lives, and then seeing my blog friends disappear. I know that they are busy, but it just makes me feel worse. One that I have followed and posted on from the start went "private" without so much as an invitation or notice...gone. All that support I gave...gone. :( Where does that leave me...sad and still childless.

Hoping we may dig ourselves out of this hole soon.

Later-

Maria said...

Beautiful. Authentic. Painfully sharp. Ugh. My heart is with you.

I've waited (for 41 years). I've lost (miscarriage & failed adoption). I've rejoiced (blessed adoption). I've been painfully aware of others' journeys as I'ved blogged about my new family. Life on the other side isn't without sharp edges. There are scars. There is more grieving. Sometimes there is more waiting. There is rememberance of pain. There is much wondering why things seem so easy for so many others. There is guilt for feeling all of those other things.

I reverance your place in the journey....in your journey. I don't know how it will unfold for you, but I am sure that you will document it beautifully, treat others with intense compassion, and give encouragement to others in their long sharp-edged journeys.

Praying for you, dear friend, and hoping these sharp edges serve a glorious purpose. Wishing you blessings and peace.

P.S. I found myself in a puddle of tears this week as I heard the news of two different long-time friends became pregnant. Even holding my sweet baby doesn't take away the pain that baby news evokes. Weird, huh? And then there's the guilt of feeling like an ingrate.

Frizzy and Bird said...

Holly, KT and Maria said it all and better than I could have. Sometimes you just have to vent your emotions before you can smooth out those sharp edges and start fresh. It's something I've been doing a lot of myself lately.

By chance is there an adoption support group near you? The one I'm attending has been so helpful and is giving me tools to cope with my out of control emotions during our wait.

Kelly said...

Thank you for sharing your heart! ((hugs))

Rachel said...

Oh, Friend...

I think your sharp edges are beautiful. I want you to know I've been praying for you since reading this post. (which was last night, btw). I'm sure it's hypocritical of me to say something about waiting, since I'm not anymore.

But trust God. He has you waiting for a reason. And you may not know that reason this side of Heaven. And it sucks, I totally agree and get that and I've been there! But He does have a plan. He promises He has a plan for you.

Hang in there. Take care of yourself. Do something nice for yourself. And don't read the blogs that make you sad...there's nothing out there that says you HAVE to read everything people post (except me. You have to read everyting I post! :)! )

Blessings and hugs to you...

Ann - Building a Nest said...

It's a beautifully raw and honest post. I know I feel the same way at times. It just hurts to be left behind over and over again.

Thank you for sharing and I'm praying for your baby time to come so soon.

Colleen said...

((((Hugs))) Sissy. I never know what to write to you and to KT. You both have had such a very rough journey with the wait and your jobs. I am sending you a virtual hug as I don't know what else to do.

Debbie said...

Excellent post. You are right that we allow our emotions to feed off of the blog world around us sometimes. I know I have. In my worst of times I just don't read blogs anymore.
Your advice to the waiting pap's is good. God has it all in control.

Your day will come. Congratz on the part time going full time.