bad dream

Right now I do not feel as if I am bursting forth in glorious song, ready for spring.  I still feel a little winter in me, like I'm not ready for all the renewal that this time of year bring with it.  I had a bad dream the other night and the memory of it has stayed with me for these past few days (Mom, you may not want to read on.)

I often dream of my day, and in some of those dreams he feels real.  Like "right there beside" me real.  As if we'd never parted and all the things I want to tell him or ask him haven't been saved up, but they flow naturally.  In this dream I was coming home from a trip and he gave me a hug and was taking me to my room (now, in this dream, my parents owned a small hotel and I lived in one of the rooms.)  He hugged me and said he'd missed me and was helped me get my luggage inside the hotel room and closed the door.  We started to talk a little, and suddenly the door burst open and this thug in a black hoodie raises a gun and shoots my dad. 

Now, right about then the alarm went off for Charlie and I woke him up.  I continued to lay there, and all the memories of the dream flooded back to me and I started to bawl.  Charlie groggily asked me what was wrong and all I could say was "my dad was in my dream and someone shot him" through all the tears.  I got back in bed and cried some more. 

It's important to add that sometimes I get sad after dreaming of my dad when I realize it is ONLY a dream, but this had such a horrible ending and I'm getting emotional just typing about it. 

But there have been times lately when I just don't feel the hope of adopting.  Doors close in our faces all the time and I keep praying the same prayer.  I'm spiritually dry, I think.  I need a new way to pray for this child that I know is out there, needing us and needing a family.  Sometimes I feel like that dream is slipping away, the more things don't work out, the more we wait, the more times we renew our home study (which we are in the process of doing right now.)  The well of hope needs to be refilled. 

Thank the Lord that spring break is next week and hopefully I'll be out of this PMS induced funk.  It will (cross your fingers) be nice enough to sit outside and read and relax. 

Any prayers sent our way would be greatly appreciated....for a baby, for peaceful sleep, for hope springs eternal, for anything.  I want to say goodbye to the winter of my heart and feel His glorious renewal. 

Why I upgraded to the iPhone (it isn't the reason you think)

So, I've had my iPhone for several months now, since September and my relationship with it is kind of bittersweet or love/hate.  Don't get me wrong, I love Mac products and know it is a far superior product to any other phone out there, and I'm constantly discovering new uses for it beyond making calls, but I didn't start out wanting it because I needed a new phone. 

Here is the truth:  I bought the phone because we were matched with the twins. 

Fact 1:  I did need a new phone and was eligible for a new phone and Charlie has an iPhone so I knew they were great.  But, I did NOT want a data package.  I just didn't see the point of paying extra for features I wouldn't use.  I have a computer on my desk all day long and can look up whatever I need to and use a normal sized screen.

Fact 2:  I did not want a data package.  That bears repeating since it adds $29.00 to your phone bill. 

Fact 3:  I was happy pressing the buttons on my slide phone with full keyboard and I liked the way the buttons felt when I pushed them down and touch screens take a little getting used to.  Whenever I would text for Charlie in the car, it would take me forever. 

So, how did I end up with one? Two reasons. 

First, we were matched with the twins.  I wanted to be able to access Facebook and take videos and do all sorts of things with the phone when we got them.  I wanted to be able to look up things on the internet while we were sitting in the hospital or wherever (the twins were anticipated to be preemies, so we thought we might spend some time at the hospital).

Second, I got lost.  My new teaching job takes me to the city next to where we live, and while I've pretty much mastered Greensboro, I'm not at all used to Winston.  There's a mall over there that I've been to once or twice, but now I have to visit all these random schools for meetings and they are all over.  I got lost one morning and all I had was my MapQuest printout which was not helping me.  And the area of town I was in did not scream "Stop here and ask for help."  It was saying "Get out fast."  And while I finally found where I was going, it would have been great to look it up on my phone and get a little help.

Sometimes I forget how long I've had the phone because it seems like I've had it for years, but now and then someone will ask when I bought mine and if it has Siri (no, it does not) and I remember why I wanted it.

I have the phone, but not the twins.  Sigh.  At least I'm not getting lost anymore, and I know I'll get to use all the fun apps eventually when we do get a baby. 

And by the way, I'm still amazed that everyone doesn't have an iPhone.  Why would you buy another phone?  LOL.  Whenever I see people with scuffed up black plastic phones, especially the ones without a full keyboard, I wonder why they don't upgrade.  Then, inevitably, I remember why I was holding out and want to smack myself. 

Have you moved into the technology age with your phone yet?  Just curious.

waiting, always waiting...

 Sometimes I want to yawn...I get so tired. 

 Sometimes I want to hide. 

 Sometimes I want to lay down and forget this whole thing. 

But always, I keep coming back to waiting for what God has to offer and hoping he moves soon.  Soon.  Lord, soon. 

(UPDATED) obsessions, chocolate and otherwise...

After my last post, my spirits have been better.  There have been some dear friends making an effort to cheer me up and help me relate to what motherhood will be like.  They are so sweet, just like this chocolate pie I am showing you all a HUGE picture of here on my blog.

Now, about this chocolate pie. It is so good.  Someone made it for a pot-luck back at Christmas time and I fell in love with the flavor of it.  I badgered the poor woman to give me the recipe for it for several weeks until she finally emailed it to me.  I ran right out and bought the ingredients for it and made one.  It is totally easy and in the two months that I've had the recipe, I've maybe made 8 pies for various different occasions, all very well received.

I just wanted to share my obsession of chocolate pie with you.  Just so you know and understand that in my confession I will be planning on making more.  This recipe will be a favorite in my family for years to come.

UPDATE:  link to recipe HERE

Other than that, there's not much to report.  We've did have some snow this week, but it was here one day and gone the next.  It was pretty falling in the night sky though.

Oh, and I'm completely obsessed with Downton Abbey and all things English, lately.

What are your obsessions?

letting my imagination wander...

I was thinking today that I often plan ahead to what life will be like when we have kids.  Charlie and I talk about what we will do in certain parenting situations, how we will make decisions and what we want life to be like once we are a family.  We talk about dinnertime and how we want to raise our kids to be included in things, and how we want them to behave.  We talk about baby names, and whether we want to use the names we've already chosen for the adoptions that did not go through.  When we went to name the twins, we didn't use the name we chose for the original baby girl we were going to adopt.  Now, we've used up three names that we had for girls and don't know if we need to choose more or try to think about using them.  I mean, it wouldn't mean anything to the baby, but we've attached some emotions to those names in those situations. 

But I wonder how soon it will happen, when we'll be parents, and to how many children.  Will we be able to manage to go through this process more than once?  We've had two false starts now, and can we abide going through another round of this even after we have one child?  Don't know. 

We imagine so much, but I can't think too far ahead.  Sometimes it is hard to walk past the room that is all decorated, ready to go, full of clothes and diapers.  We even inherited another carseat this week, once for a toddler and now we have one for every possible age.  I like to plan, and we have the room to store things, so I don't mind hand-me-downs.  And it will help us save money later, which is always a benefit. 

So, I keep imagining things and not knowing if they will ever come true.  The latest situation that was a long shot turned out to be just that: a long shot.  It was over as quickly as it started and even though the situation was up in the air, we could not intervene.   I wish we could have, but we were too far away and it was none of our business.  I believe that the Lord will answer our prayers, but my heart is heavy while we continue to wait.  This has been a long three years and while it has served us in a way to deepen our relationship as husband and wife.  And while it was nice to enjoy Valentine's Day without needing to secure a babysitter, I would have loved to have that honor. 

May the Lord be answering our prayer soon. 

couple things to mention...

Near the Roman Coliseum

In Verona....

Some of you asked for a couple more photos of my trips, but here's the sad truth about it:  I didn't have a digital camera back then!  The few photos I have that are digital were sent from a student who had a digital camera.  I think I should get more off the disk she gave me, but I can't find it.  So, here are two more. 

All that being said, I've been contacted a couple times last week about adoption situations and I'm hoping that something pans out.  We don't know right now.  But, definitely keep us in mind when you come across a situation that you think we might want to get ourselves involved in!  My email address is on this page, so please feel free to use it!

when the world opens up...

Canals in Venice...view from my gondola

Juliet's balcony in Verona

On the streets of Florence with my student Katherine

 

 

 

One of the things that's a trend in education is bringing a global perspective to our students.  When I taught high school art, that seemed really easy.  I sponsored three trips abroad and took students to Europe, which benefited me because I hadn't ever been across the ocean and wanted to see all the things I'd been studying in college.  I saw and learned so much. 

I stood under the Eiffel tower.
I ate pizza in Covent Garden, London.
I cried in many, many cathedrals.
I took deep breaths in the coliseum in Rome, savoring the history.
I bought a cross charm in Notre Dame.
I slept on an overnight train, an overnight ferry and overnight flights.
I woke up with the sunrise over water on a beach in Greece.
I said hello to the Mona Lisa.
I rode a gondola in Venice.
I talked to the dead in Pompeii.
I drug my suitcase up many, many flights of stairs and through multiple airports. 

I loved it all. 

I've been to Spain, Italy, Greece, England and France with students.  On my own I've also been to Mexico, Canada, Belize and another trip to England.  

But trying to inspire a global view with kindergarteners is a little bit tougher.  I mean, they really don't know much about the world to begin with (well, except I do teach at a school with a ton of kids that were born in Hispanic countries) to know that there are so many other countries.  While many of the kids might know they moved here from another country, I don't know that they understand tourism and that travel can be a choice, not a necessity.  It's a difficult concept to impart on little kids. 

I'm so glad I had the opportunity to see so much of the world, and I would love to see some of Asia if I could stand to be in a plane that long.  It's just been so great to experience other cultures and soak up the energy from the world. 

I'd love to know where you've traveled.  Do tell.