bad dream

Right now I do not feel as if I am bursting forth in glorious song, ready for spring.  I still feel a little winter in me, like I'm not ready for all the renewal that this time of year bring with it.  I had a bad dream the other night and the memory of it has stayed with me for these past few days (Mom, you may not want to read on.)

I often dream of my day, and in some of those dreams he feels real.  Like "right there beside" me real.  As if we'd never parted and all the things I want to tell him or ask him haven't been saved up, but they flow naturally.  In this dream I was coming home from a trip and he gave me a hug and was taking me to my room (now, in this dream, my parents owned a small hotel and I lived in one of the rooms.)  He hugged me and said he'd missed me and was helped me get my luggage inside the hotel room and closed the door.  We started to talk a little, and suddenly the door burst open and this thug in a black hoodie raises a gun and shoots my dad. 

Now, right about then the alarm went off for Charlie and I woke him up.  I continued to lay there, and all the memories of the dream flooded back to me and I started to bawl.  Charlie groggily asked me what was wrong and all I could say was "my dad was in my dream and someone shot him" through all the tears.  I got back in bed and cried some more. 

It's important to add that sometimes I get sad after dreaming of my dad when I realize it is ONLY a dream, but this had such a horrible ending and I'm getting emotional just typing about it. 

But there have been times lately when I just don't feel the hope of adopting.  Doors close in our faces all the time and I keep praying the same prayer.  I'm spiritually dry, I think.  I need a new way to pray for this child that I know is out there, needing us and needing a family.  Sometimes I feel like that dream is slipping away, the more things don't work out, the more we wait, the more times we renew our home study (which we are in the process of doing right now.)  The well of hope needs to be refilled. 

Thank the Lord that spring break is next week and hopefully I'll be out of this PMS induced funk.  It will (cross your fingers) be nice enough to sit outside and read and relax. 

Any prayers sent our way would be greatly appreciated....for a baby, for peaceful sleep, for hope springs eternal, for anything.  I want to say goodbye to the winter of my heart and feel His glorious renewal.