it's been a year

It's been just over a year since we were matched. Sigh. It seems like just yesterday I was getting that call and so excited about it. Now I just sit and hope and wait and pray.

I don't always have the best attitude about waiting, as I think I've shared before. It just weighs on my heart and mind. I guess I just thought that something else would have happened by now, but no. And I don't know what to say to people about it. People that know us in real life are usually pretty up to date...they haven't missed anything on Facebook or whatever. And Charlie about announced it from the rooftops last time, so if he isn't saying anything, they have to know nothing is going on.

It's the random people that are hardest to deal with...the people that only know a little bit about me and ask questions. Like, "how's the adoption stuff going?" I know they mean well, but I don't have anything to say about it other than, "we're still waiting." I think you all identify more with it than just acquaintances do.

But, if you've been reading the blog, you know I have a book that I've written that I want to get published and my husband was asking me why I was hemming and hawing and not putting it out there. Here's the answer: DO I NEED ANY MORE REJECTION? Uhhh, NO! I did not want to deal with the fact that someone else is going to close a door in my face and tell me that I can't do something/have something/live out this dream. That did not sound appealing.

Ultimately, I chose to bite the bullet and begin sending it out to literary agents, and I did get one rejection already. I didn't cry, so that was a step in the right direction. But, there were two reasons I decided to start trying to get an agent/book sold. One, unless I send it out there, it can never get published (yes, I could do it myself, but my money is going elsewhere.) Two, if it really did get published and more than 10 people bought it, I could make money from it and potentially be able to adopt more children. Our child might be a one and only if we don't make more money at some point. If I could be a modestly successful writer, it would help.

Editing the writing gives me something else to focus on, which is good. So if you've read the chapters, please comment so I can keep working on it. Thanks to those who have so far.

a peek inside

I love to take pictures. One of the best gifts I have ever received is my Nikon D80, a hunk of a digital camera. Charlie bought it for me last year for mother's day, knowing I would want to take pictures of the baby we thought we were getting. It was one of the best and worst days, best and worst gifts. I wanted the camera so much, not more than I wanted the baby, but to be able to record the moments of her growing.

When the adoption fell through, I didn't touch the camera for several weeks. It was like this object attached to the baby, this gift I got in anticipation of the baby, and I had no baby. It reminded me of her and it was still painful. I finally picked it up and started taking pictures. I started in my yard.

I played around and captured little moments in our backyard. I don't even know what these purple berries are, but I love this picture.

And while I am not really an outdoorsy person, I love greenery and flowers and I like capturing the color around me.


The camera is now one of my best friends. I'm still working on taking pictures of people, capturing who they are, and how to show them in their best light. I like to record celebrations, birthdays, my puppies and things in my house. I'm learning.

It's nice that it's not tainted by the memories any more. In fact, I'm glad I've had it so that I can learn how to best use it by the time we do get a baby. Hopefully, I will be able to take wonderful pictures of our future child.

Hope you enjoy. Spring is beautiful around here, so expect lots of flowers coming soon!

it's all painful

I don't really have the shoes all sitting out like this, but I was given all these cute shoes last year and loved how adorable they were, so I lined them all up and took a picture. Now they are all in a box and waiting for little feet.

We had dinner last night with some friends from church who have adopted boys. I didn't know their story well, but I knew their children were adopted. They wanted to reach out to us since they knew we were having a hard time waiting, and we had a great time sharing with them.

Angela and I were sitting on the couch while the guys were playing with the boys, and she was telling me how they came to adoption. She had trouble getting pregnant and then finally got pregnant with twins who were born at something like 21 weeks (the boy) and 23 weeks (the girl.) Baby boy lived 5 days and baby girl lived nine weeks.

I told her that my story of a failed match in no way compared to losing two babies that way. She was saying that it all hurts and it's hard to compare someone's pain to another persons pain. It all hurts us, it's all painful and we all have to get through it.

Thinking about it that way was very interesting. People sometimes compare a failed adoption to a miscarriage, but I still think it's different. It's not physical. I didn't feel a baby kicking in my womb, or experience morning sickness. Unlike Angela, I never held my bab(ies) and watched them sleep. I can't imagine that kind of loss. Well, maybe I can. I've experienced loss in the death of my father and that was deeply sad, but when it's a child, your child. Hmmm, I have a feeling that it is profoundly different.

I know that many of us have stories that are uniquely painful. IF in itself is painful. When you want to conceive and then you can't, it's a loss. And we do tend to compare ourselves. But when it comes to pain, hurt shouldn't we just call it a tie? We've all been through something, but they thing that unites us all is a loving God who sees our tears and hold us up. At times I want him to clue me in on his plan, but knowing it is enough to trust that he is there. And I know he brought me through the death of my father, praising him the whole way. He can bring us through this, to his glory.

In this season of lent, I pray that we all can experience the freedom of the Lord and leave the pain of all this behind us. I pray that we will feel his comforting hand and the peace that passes all understanding. I pray we will feel whole and healed, even in our trials. And Secret Prayer Buddy, will you pray that I will sleep soundly and rest in Him? Thanks.

On a lighter note, my friend Ashley gave birth to twin boys this morning! Welcome to the world, Keegan and David! (this part isn't painful...I am so excited for Ashley and her husband Phillip...they had a hard time TTC and used Clomid.)