dreaming of babies

Last night I dreamed of babies. Little girl babies. Somehow, in my heart, I think our baby will be a girl, when we are finally matched and an adoption goes through. I don't know why, that's just how I feel. If we do adopt a boy baby, I am sure I will be just as excited, for the record! Any baby will work his/her way into my heart.

This morning was rough, though. All through church I kept thinking about the baby that was almost mine, and how I hoped she was doing okay. I pray that she is warm and safe and happy and loved. Charlie reminded me that our birthmother had been a great mom to her other two children and was most likely doing a great job with this baby, too. It is a small comfort. I walk past our nursery and I think about how I was supposed to sit in that rocker and rock her to sleep. I think about the clothes in the closet and the diaper bag, ready to go. It isn't easy.

I know that the reality is, when we are matched with a new birthmother and baby, all this will fade into the background. And while I may never completely let go of this little girl, I will be caught up in mothering the child in my arms. That makes perfect sense. But while I'm stuck here in this waiting place, I think about that baby and pray for her.

I have been keeping up with several other women who are in this waiting place and with others who have already adopted children. Mommy Womble is still in China, picking up her daughter, and those posts have made me cry, over and over. The Womble Times is on my sidebar, so check it out and cry along with me. You'll be ooohing and ahhhing and praying for the Wombles as they travel home.

Pray for us, please! We'll take what we can get.

my annual visit

Today I had my annual visit to the OBGYN. Last year at this time, we were still trying to get pregnant, and so the doctor wondered why they hadn't heard from me in months. When I was taking Clomid and Metformin and charting my temperatures and going in for blood tests, I saw them all the time. But after we made the decision in October to persue adoption and stop all fertility treatments, I didn't really tell them. We just moved forward with all of our paperwork and I stopped taking the drugs.

Let me just say, that I really like my doctor. She experienced some infertility herself and even began the adoption process before getting pregnant, so she knows how I feel. We had a really good talk about the failed placement in May, and how I felt about going back on birth control to help regulate my hormone levels. We cried and laughed and talked and I felt much better.

The point is to say that this year has been filled with many things. So many emotions are involved in trying to get pregnant, and others are involved in failing to get pregnant. Completely different emotions are wrapped up in doing the adoption paperwork and having the homestudy visit. Elation when you get the phone call that you've been chosen. Fear that it will all fall apart. Heartbreak that it does fall apart. It's a rollercoaster.

But I told her that it's easier for me to know which path I'm on. I don't want to wonder if I can get pregnant while waiting for another birthmother to choose us. For my piece of mind, I like knowing I'm waiting for an adoption. Not wondering about my body.

Waiting certainly isn't easy. I can admit that and I have on several occasions. But she reminded me that one day when I have my child, I will look back and know that he/she was the one meant for me. It's nice that she could believe with me.

get me through it

There really isn't any news to report, but I did talk to our adoption agency today. I like to call and check in every once in awhile, just to let them know how we are. Kelly, our agency rep, is totally wonderful and awesome. She has a gift for talking me through my little emotional times, when I miss the baby so badly. This summer has been a healing time, but going back to school has resurrected some of my emotions. People have been asking if there is news, and one mom asked me how the baby was doing. Bless her, she didn't know, and she felt HORRIBLE, but it was just another reminder that everything fell apart.

Kelly talked me through what I was feeling, letting me know that others are waiting, too. And when our day comes, it will be wonderful and worth waiting for. Right now all I can see is the season I'm sitting in, not what will come later.

It's hard to be patient. When we had all the paperwork to do, I felt like things were moving forward, step by step, but now there isn't anything to do but wait. I have nothing to accomplish, nothing to check off my list, nothing to do but wait.

SO many people are praying for us and I am so grateful. I need it. I want to be able to handle the waiting gracefully, and treasure the time that Charlie and I have together. Keep us in your prayers, please.

our profile page

If you wanted to see our profile page and birthmother letter, click here. This is our adoption agency website (we LOOOOVE them) and we are listed in the "waiting families" section, about halfway down.

Read all about us!

thoughts about stuff

Sundays are always emotional for me, something about the worship service at church, I think. I don't normally wear much eyeliner to church, because I tend to cry. I am a big crybaby, I can admit it. I can totally admit it. But the music and words get to me, and the emotion comes flowing out.

This week I found out that two friends are pregnant, and I'm so excited for them. Jealous, but excited. I know how thrilled I was when we found out a birthmother had chosen us, and can only imagine how excited women are to see the stick turn pink. I jumped up and down with the ladies at my work and cried with Charlie on the phone (see, I told you I was a crybaby.)

All of this to say that today during worship I was thinking about our birthmother and how she might be doing now. She was placing the baby up for adoption due to monetary reasons, and I wonder if she and the baby are all right. I want her to be all right.

We were singing:

You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know You are near.


The tears came. I think in the past months I have been ignoring God in small ways, blaming Him for the fact that the birthmother changed her mind. I think this baby has been all I have been focusing on, any baby, wanting to be a mother so bad, that I forgot that HE is what I want. I want to be in His will, following His plan.

It's so easy to get tunnelvision, to work towards one thing and ignore all others, and God doesn't want us to be like that. He wants us to be well-rounded while serving Him. There isn't much more to say than that. I know my eyes have been on this baby, and they should have been on Him.

I love worship.

holding pattern

Not much to report at this time, since we are playing the waiting game again. I am working on our new profile book little by little, since we need to submit one in the appropriate size. We did have a random call from a friend about someone who was going to place a baby boy for adoption, but nothing came of it. I wasn't sure what to think about it, and it happened fast and then was over fast. The whole situation happened in a matter of two or three days.

We had to cancel the shower we planned and I hated that. I really felt embarrassed that we planned that big party and then had to undo all those plans, although I had no reason to feel embarrassed. I did nothing wrong. I am allowed to celebrate and mourn.

For now everything is in a holding pattern. The carseat is ready. The stroller is ready. The room is ready and our house is baby proofed. We just need an actual baby, so keep praying. And just in case you might actually know someone who wants to place a baby for adoption, keep us in mind. I know that sounds like some weird networking system, but some couples really go all out to make others aware that they are adopting. We could even write letters and circulate them to OB-GYN offices if we were so inclined, but I find that a little, I don't know, odd. That isn't even a good word, and I don't know what the right word is. We just know we want a baby, and I just keep trusting the Lord that it will happen.

Keep us in your prayers, that we will be walking down the path God intends and that He will bring us the perfect baby for our family. I want to stand firmly in His will.

not much news

Just wanted to post that we are all right, and getting through this. It's been a long month of healing and moving forward, but we are feeling more normal. Things haven't changed much for us, cause life is much the same as it ever was.

We also want to make sure that all you readers know that the shower we planned for the 27th has been postponed until we are matched again. Next time we are matched with a birthmother and child, we may wait until after the baby comes home to plan something. If you could spread the word to anyone else, that would help us out as well.

We ask that you continue praying for us and for our child who is out there somewhere, waiting for us. This journey has been an emotional rollercoaster, but we believe it will end happily someday, with a child in our arms.

Rest assured, for anyone who donated to our adoption, that we did not lose any of your money. It will be applied to our next match. Thank you to those of you who donated and yes, you can still donate at any time. We are continuing to save as well and hope to be ready when the next match comes along.