my annual visit

Today I had my annual visit to the OBGYN. Last year at this time, we were still trying to get pregnant, and so the doctor wondered why they hadn't heard from me in months. When I was taking Clomid and Metformin and charting my temperatures and going in for blood tests, I saw them all the time. But after we made the decision in October to persue adoption and stop all fertility treatments, I didn't really tell them. We just moved forward with all of our paperwork and I stopped taking the drugs.

Let me just say, that I really like my doctor. She experienced some infertility herself and even began the adoption process before getting pregnant, so she knows how I feel. We had a really good talk about the failed placement in May, and how I felt about going back on birth control to help regulate my hormone levels. We cried and laughed and talked and I felt much better.

The point is to say that this year has been filled with many things. So many emotions are involved in trying to get pregnant, and others are involved in failing to get pregnant. Completely different emotions are wrapped up in doing the adoption paperwork and having the homestudy visit. Elation when you get the phone call that you've been chosen. Fear that it will all fall apart. Heartbreak that it does fall apart. It's a rollercoaster.

But I told her that it's easier for me to know which path I'm on. I don't want to wonder if I can get pregnant while waiting for another birthmother to choose us. For my piece of mind, I like knowing I'm waiting for an adoption. Not wondering about my body.

Waiting certainly isn't easy. I can admit that and I have on several occasions. But she reminded me that one day when I have my child, I will look back and know that he/she was the one meant for me. It's nice that she could believe with me.