sharp edges

This is a time of jagged edges in my life. The path is not straight. The road is too winding. The trail is uphill.

I'm down in the valley. I'm searching for water.

Do I need anymore metaphors?

Here is the tricky thing about blogs when you are in a bad mood: people with good news only make you feel even more crabby!

Caveat: this is my bad mood and no reflection on your good news.

I wish that my heart was lifted every time I read about someone who finds out they are pregnant or gets "the call" about a baby to adopt. And sometimes it does. But in this season of job loss and adoption home study update, I feel like everyone around me is living a blessed life and I am missing out.

And I know some of the women who get pregnant or adopt babies have been waiting just as long or longer than me, and I know that there are women who will still be waiting AFTER our baby comes along. It's just part of what adoption blogging is...the befores become afters, eventually. And I know that just because I lost my job, and many of the people I worked with have suddenly forgotten me, it isn't really a reflection on me. I wish I had good news.

Oh, I guess I do...it looks like my temp job will become full time soon.

And see? I'm not celebrating it the way I should. Because it isn't the thing I want to celebrate. I want to have a baby in my nursery and a carseat in my car. Or a minivan in my driveway.

I'm in a bad mood.

Sharp edges around here.

And I bite my lip every time I read a blog with adoptive parents waiting for a baby to be born and crossing their fingers that the birthmother will sign the papers. Because I have only had it fall through. I know, one day, when I am here hold my baby, I might be able to offer more comfort to those women, but all I can say is "give it to God and let him handle it."

Sharp edges.

This blog isn't graceful right now, but it is real. This is where I'm at and who I am and in the midst of this season of sharp edges, I'll keep pushing on and muddling through.

Sigh.