giving up control

I've got to let you in on a little secret. Not a secret that worked out well, but a secret none-the-less.


Last week our social worker emailed me and let me know that she would be meeting with a birthmother this week, and even though Charlie and I hadn't finished all our paperwork, she wanted to show them some photos of us! Wow! I didn't know we could even be considered this soon, but she wanted us to send photos and a birthmother letter. She also warned us that the birthmom already had a couple in mind, but that she wanted to show her everyone.


Charlie and I worked on our birthmother letter, which is a really difficult letter to write. It's hard to express all your feelings about adoption, and the longing for a baby without convincing the birthmother that she should just raise the baby herself. There is a great temptation to be greedy and just say "gimme." But you can't. And even when I have been thinking about adoption since I was little, it's hard to anticipate how the birthmother will interpret your words. Trust me, it's difficult. I mean, I need a thesaurus to get more words about how difficult it is.


So we sent off pictures and the letter and we knew that Emily (social worker) was meeting with the birthmom today, and that she would let us know something either tomorrow or Friday. It was a hard couple of days, because we didn't want to get too excited, but at the same time we knew she was due in 8 weeks. If we were somehow chosen, we would need to expedite everything else and have all the money ready in that amount of time, too (that part scared my husband a tad.)


I spent the week praying for God's will. Everytime I prayed I asked God to help the birthmom make a decision that was right for her, and for the baby. I prayed that He would help me deal with whatever choice she made. I prayed that when the baby He intended for us came along, we would know it.


And He came through. We did not get chosen. But I am ok. I am a little sad, but I am not broken apart with grief. Obviously God intends this baby for that other couple, and He's the one who is in control. It's hard to give over that control and leave it up to someone else. It's stressful to think that we have to be chosen, but my Heavenly Father chose me, and He can choose a baby for us. He will.


So, now we will finish up our paperwork properly and continue saving those pennies and nickels. I get fingerprinted on Monday, and then the State Bureau of Investigation has to clear us. Fun times.


Just wanted to let you all know what was going on. I am sorry that I didn't share earlier, but I didn't want it to be real. I didn't want to start all the planning in my head, buying all the clothes, getting all the baby stuff. I couldn't do it. But I wanted you to know.

And now you do.