photos to share...

So here's the prayer shawl I mentioned in yesterday's post. It is so warm and comfy and is nice to wear around my shoulders and can stretch it out down my legs if I want to warm them up. The colors are muted and the yarn is so soft. Just wanted to show it off...the ladies worked hard on it! And the prayers were so welcome.

The following shots are from my yard. I am always trying to work on my photography, and with no babies to shoot and some uncooperative dogs, I tend to shoot plants. (The doggies DO NOT like it when I put the camera in front of my face.) So anyway, I came home the other day and it had just finished raining, so I grabbed my camera and walked around the yard.

This little vine was growing off some plant. I'm so into my plants, can't you tell? I have no idea what they are.

This is part of our sky pencil, complete with spider web. The sky pencil normally has dark leaves, but the buds are such a yellowy-green.

My hydrangea is blooming!!! We bought this plant last year when our social worker came to visit, because I had nothing in my front yard planters. And we picked PINK, cause the baby was a girl, but I'm glad that they bloomed again this year. I am so proud that they lived through the winter.

And I do love the picture. It should be said that I don't really edit my photos much. I know that many people do a lot with computer editing, and sometimes I play with them, but I think much of the skill comes in taking the photography to begin with. Equipment plays into it a lot, and so does knowing how to work your camera. I'm still learning, and I think I'm going to spend time with a professional photographer this summer. I offered myself up as an apprentice to a parent at the school where I work, and she said YES. Very excited.

Okay, not much else to report. Talk later!

random things

I am so ready to wear these! Vacation is coming and I am so excited to be getting some time off. Now, granted, I did take on that part-time job, but I'm excited about that, too. A little extra cash for our adoption account and a some luxuries, like a massage. And a pedicure. And a night out.

Okay, time to admit some more nerdiness on my part. I loved Iron Man! My husband and I went to see the first one two summers ago and then had a date night the other night. I loved the movie. Charlie said he thought it was okay, but I had so much fun. There were a couple of parts where I cheered and grinned and clapped. So much fun. Don't know why I loved it and others thought it was only okay, but I did. I even told my mom I would take her and I would see it again.

I am currently curled up with a prayer shawl. The Knit Together group at my church makes them for new babies, people in the hospital, and people going through a hard time. While they are knitting, they pray for the person. Two years ago when we were going through our few infertility meds and I was about to lose my job, they made one for me. It was very sweet and I was touched and I cried when they gave it to me. I dug it out again recently, knowing those prayers are still woven in there somehow.

I painted my nails the other night and I have already taken the polish off. It chips too easily.

I started watching the Bachelorette the other night. Man, some of those men should be embarrassed. This season looks like it will be really dramatic, as they all are.

Oh, I have a pet peeve to share about blogs (and I don't mean to offend.) It bothers me when I click over to the blog and can't see the post title without scrolling down. Meaning, your header is so large that I can't immediately start reading. I don't want to have to scroll down. Busy patterns in the back are bad, too. I was one one the other day that was soooo busy I couldn't read the post and had to get off. It was sad too, because I was really interested in the topic, but I couldn't get past the pattern. Do YOU have blog pet peeves? I mean, it's only my opinion, so I'd love to hear what other people think.

Is that enough random for you?

how to trust

Sometimes on Sundays, I experience an emotional confusion of sorts. Church is so wonderful and so healing to my soul, with our worship time being my favorite part some mornings. But I often find myself praising God and pleading my case at the same time, asking him to see me in my pain. Asking him for a baby, asking him not to forget me. Other times I just want to praise him, put myself completely in the center of his will. It's a war between my selfishness and my soul.

Our pastor was talking today about trusting God. His point was that when we don't tithe, we aren't trusting God with our finances and our well being. He wanted to point out that it is in the hardest times (financially) that we need to trust God the most. The point also hit close to home for me, as these past few weeks have been hard for me, and I want to trust him. I want to believe that an adoption will happen, but I have no experience to back it up. God has never given me a child before, so I don't know what it looks like to trust him for that. But I shouldn't have to know, right? I should be able to trust him completely.

After church I had a conversation with a friend about the waiting, and how difficult it had been for me. She was encouraging me that those thoughts aren't from God, that I was letting doubt creep into my heart. She prayed for me, asking God to show me how to put my thoughts into his hands. I cried, of course. I always cry when someone prays for me, it's such an emotional release.

So, along with JellyBelly and others who have found themselves in this valley of despair, I too, need to pray for trust. While I do need to honestly convey to God where my heart is, and the desperation I feel, I need to find a way to trust him. He sees me where I am. Just like the new trees we planted in the backyard last week, I need to be watered and fed so I can blossom. I need to put in the work to be able to grow in him. I want to blossom in his love and his perfect will.

So my prayer today is that I would feel the peace that comes with trusting my Lord. Pray that with me, would you?

life goes on

Well, that was an exciting couple of days, that ultimately ended in nothing. Charlie and I were talking again about how this is such a rollercoaster, and I believe we are right about that. My emotions went from high on the possibility of a match and a baby, to the reality of the cost, to the disappointment of the choice not to proceed. All in one day. Highs and lows.

For all of us, I wish this were easier. This whole process is draining and emotional and more than we ever bargained for, really. Last year, before the adoption fell apart, I was so cocky that it had only taken us 6 months to adopt. We weren't going to be one of those couples that had to wait years for a baby. Look how wrong I was. It's been over a year since our match and this was the first real thing that has come along, only to fall apart again.

I do want to take a moment and thank all of you for your prayers and support the other day. I appreciate it very much that you were all there for me.

There isn't much more to say. Today I am getting my house cleaned up a little and grocery shopping and all those mundane things that we have to do to get through the day. Life goes on.

situation madness ***updated

Possible, but long-shot, adoption situation came in today. This, of course, after I prayed this morning "Lord, bring us a baby soon." Ha.

Pray. Pray that the money is right and the details are good and all of it won't make me crazy. Pray that if we are the right people, they will choose us.

Pray for me, that I won't lose my mind.

Send up those prayers, please.

Thanks.

Update (8pm) Well, it was over almost as quickly as it started. The situation fit us in so many ways, but ultimately was too much of a risk on the financial end. We would have had to put out almost $15,000 up front, to only be able to get $7400 back if the birth parents changed their minds. We just don't have that much money to put into the whole thing and possibly lose it. With our current agency, we pay when we take custody of the child after the revocation period, so nothing is lost. This was through a facilitator that I keep up with, and looked great until we read the fine print.

I am sad. Of course. It seemed like such excellent timing, especially in light of my prayer this morning.

We ate Chinese tonight and my fortune said "sometimes the solution comes from where you least expect it." Interesting.

So anyway, thanks for all the prayers you sent up on our behalf. If you don't mind to keep praying with me that a match we can afford will come soon, I'd appreciate it.

Love you!

wanting to be wanted

It has been an odd couple of weeks, weeks that have been up and down emotion wise. Getting through Mother's Day was a big step, with all the emotions that it brought. There isn't really anything going on with our adoption front, although there is a ton going on around the blogosphere in regards to pregnancies and adoptions. It has been tough around school as well with EOG testing and the rocky road of my friend's mother's death. We are all just getting back to normal about that and I want some peace. Just about this time of year, I begin to crave quiet.

Puppy Chester came to visit and was adorable, but that's not really what this post is about. And doesn't my engagement ring look big in this photo?

I love it that summer comes and gives me a break. Teachers really do need a break from their students and I use that time to relax and get ready for another year. Some teachers spend most of their summers at school, planning and decorating, but that just isn't me. I like summertime. I like this job that has eight weeks of vacation, low paying though it might be.

And then I got a call today. My old boss at Michaels Arts and Crafts wants me to come back for the summer and fill in for an employee! How much fun is it to be wanted and personally asked to come back? I was thrilled. It's a job I already know, with people I like, where I can make a little money for the adoption or something. Yes! Awesome. It was the best feeling to be get that call and be wanted.

We all want that, right?

There are many ways we want to be wanted. We want our spouses to want us, we want our friends to want us, I want a birthmother to want us. Arrrghgh. It is a feeling deep inside. We need to be love and accepted. I wish I could let go and just be okay with people not asking me to join them or leave me behind. There are people at my current job that I wish saw more of who I am, but they don't. And I guess I have to adjust my perspective.

We had someone at church refer us to an adoption agency I'd never heard of, out in California. I went to the website, and all I found was some vague answers and lots of parent profiles. There was no fee information and the process info was detailed, but didn't answer what I wanted to know. They say their matches occur generally in less than 12 months, and offer to let you talk to parents of successful matches. I emailed the contact thing to ask a few questions and got a sort of carbon response. The fees were $25,000-35,000. Whoa. The woman said she was going to send me a packet and hopefully the answers would be in there. We'll see.

Anyway, back to the job offer, it was nice to hear a friendly voice and know that someone was thrilled I would be spending my summer with them. Liked the feeling.

Okay, tired brain. Gotta sleep now. Had too much caffeine yesterday and was up way to late.

something to make me smile

This is one of my favorite little girls at school. Her mom comes in and helps me out on occasion and Morgan loves to write on my board while her mom volunteers. She wrote me this note the other day, and I had my camera so I quickly got it out and snapped a picture. This doesn't even really reflect how adorable she is, and every time I see her she gives me the biggest hug.

One time she told me, "Mrs. K, I am in love with you." Which was so funny because she didn't know why the phrasing was wrong. So sweet.

I told her mother that if she ever goes missing the search should start with me, cause I might just take her home one day. She is so polite and very respectful, and loves to read.

Just wanted to share something that made me smile!