Adoption Q and A

Grace in My Heart posted this adoption questionnaire and while most of the people who've answered it have actually adopted, I thought I would answer what I could. Helps me to think back about this journey.

1. How did you know when to begin the adoption process?
After about two years of TTC and having it not work over and over, I had a conversation with a friend of mine, who said, "don't you think it's time to move on?" I had been longing to move on for a while, but kept on trying because adoption is more expensive than an insurance covered natural birth. Stupid reason, really, because I have always wanted to adopt and talked about it with Charlie when we were dating.


2. Did you ever feel like you failed at TTC (and were giving up "trying") so that's why you adopted? What suggestions do you have for those working through these emotions?
I didn't feel like that, really. I was ready to have the burden off me. Adoption takes it out of my hands (and body). I was tired of the pills, the temperatures, etc. I always knew I wanted children, but was never wanted to give birth. Plus, I have a bladder condition that would have been greatly irritated by pregnancy. See, for me, I have always seen adoption as the way my children would come. I know, I'm weird.

I felt more like a failure when our first match fell through, like I had done something wrong and that was why she decided to parent. I know that was not my fault, but it was really hard at the time.


3. Were you and your husband on the same page about adoption? What suggestions do you have for a spouse who may not be as excited as the other about adoption?
Because we had talked about the possible problems I might have conceiving when we were dating, Charlie was fine with adopting as long as we tried to conceive first. His desire was mostly out of financial practicality. Once I said I was ready to move on, he agreed. My suggestions, though, are to keep talking and expose your husband to adoption where you can.


4. How did you work through figuring out where to adopt from, how open to be, and what type of communication to have with your child's birthparents?
I originally thought we would adopt from overseas, but in the end we were drawn to our small, Christian agency. I had even made this chart with all the countries listed, costs, type of trip required and such, but then my husband said he'd like to try domestic, so we prayed about it and went looking for an agency. They were the ones who talked with us about openness, although we haven't had to really deal with that much, yet.


5. Adoption can be really expensive. What recommendations do you have to work through the financial aspect of it all?
It does seem that the more money you have, the faster adoptions happen, and I hate that about it. But, that said: Save, save, save. Have a couple credit cards. Save some more. Do the research on grants and find out if your job has adoption benefits. Then let go and let God worry about it.


6. Do you truly feel like a mother even though you didn't give birth? If you've never been pregnant, do you feel like you missed out on this experience?
I can't say much to this one yet, but the things I think about missing are the ultrasounds, because those always look so emotional and fun on TV, and baby showers with my big belly. But I'll still have a shower, it's just the baby will be there too!


7. What prayers and/or books do you recommend for those discerning whether or not to pursue adoption?
I didn't read to much about it, just talked to a couple of people in our church that adopted. They were super helpful and willing to talk about their journeys.

Hope this helped someone, anyone. Adoption is a long road for some and a short path for others.

a season in the valley

This week has been kind of heavy, in that way that dark emotions can bring you to your knees. It seems that this season of our lives is destined to be one where we are walking in the valleys, not on the mountaintops. Two things have come together to create this heaviness, and while different, they are strangely the same.

It may take a while to explain.

I think I have said before that I was honored to be on a field trip to the Kennedy Space Center the day of the Challenger launch that forever changed space exploration. It was a confusing and odd day, in that I was in the fourth grade and not well acquainted with the concept of horrific accidents or God's Will or death, at all. My mom says I didn't understand until they starting televising images from the funerals of the astronauts, who were fathers and mothers and had left behind little children.

The children. That's what made me get it, made me grasp it, internalize it and let out the grief.

And they meet me here again.


This week my husband's uncle passed away from Leukemia, the very same thing that took my father. The family spent time in the hospital with Uncle Roy (who was 49) sitting with him, chatting, sharing these last moments. Roy's 11 year old son, would alternately smile and then climb up on the bed with his father. Roy passed early Thursday morning.

Again, I am touched by this fatherless child.

Friday morning dawned a new day, one of history making importance...the last shuttle launch. Not that NASA won't send anything else into space, or that we will stop exploring, or that we've given up on learning what's out there, but that they've decided to retire the shuttle. To most people this wouldn't be anything big, but I've been surprised by how sad this makes me. They showed the launch on TV, and I'm teared up. I checked out some articles on CNN and I'm getting nostalgic for that day. Sheesh, there was even a shuttle launch seen in Transformers 3 and I was getting misty eyed.

I don't know why it has affected me so, but if future space launches aren't as beautiful, as awe inspiring or as majestic as the space shuttle over the Atlantic, future generations will have missed out on something special. And for us who have been witness to a live launch, it is a memory to behold. I wish I had seen a different launch, one where we could have watched it in the sky until it was only a tiny speck on the horizon and then taken out tour of the Space Center. But I, and my other classmates, have been witness to a larger piece of history.

In this weird week, where the last piece of our history with Roy was met by the last piece of history with the space shuttle, where two tragedies leave behind children, I am left with what can only be described as a melancholy mood. Time will heal it, for sure, but for Roy's son and all other fatherless children, the wound is deeper.

It has been that kind of season.

adoption un-update

There isn't much to say, or tell, or write about right now. Well, except for the conversation I had with our case worker, who told me I have all the bases covered when it comes to finding an adoption situation and that I need to sit back and let God handle it.

Telling this to a "gotta get it done kind-of girl" is just not what I wanted to hear.

It is hard. To let go. And let God.

She did say that domestic adoptions had been down this year but that everyone seems to be seeing a rise in calls and visits in the past couple of months. She said to keep praying that the calls turn into decisions turn into matches.

So, that's the update. All I got for you right now.

no summer vacation

Well. This is the first year that I'll be working a 9 to 5 job all summer instead of having my standard 8 week vacation. It's odd. I know every other industry except education works all year long, and people get by, and it's normal, and I shouldn't whine, but for my working career I've had summers off.

I did take a week of vacation in April, and it was a glorious, peaceful week. The cruise. My laid back with a little adventure, book reading cruise. It was fantastic, but I wish that I was going to have more down time this summer. It's not gonna happen. Gotta get used to it.


I'm so grateful that I have a job, and that should be the point. End of sentence.

I'm so grateful I have my sweet husband. He is wonderful. End of sentence.

And I don't know when we will be parents, but I'm hopeful that will happen. I don't know any more about the birth mothers that our agency had in mind for us, other than some things have happened and they have missed meetings. As it is in adoption, what is urgent often takes weeks to play out. You send something off one day, plan and hope and the baby is already born and then back to square one when they choose someone else. Sheesh. I really don't want to again renew our home study and it seems like we just finished it in December, but December will be here just as quickly. Just as quickly as the two years have gone by since the failed adoption.

So, here I sit, thinking of a nice quiet summer, and knowing I'll be back in the office tomorrow.

Sigh.

when it isn't natural

I’ve been living in this weird place lately, where I think of my friend Dennis and grieve his death and am hurt and angry and lost in the corners of my mind, but then the next minute I’m back in my life full of dogs and adoption and my husband and shrubs to plant. The busy-ness of the day to day often take me out of the sadness, but I know, for Crystal, she is there always, minute by minute. I visited her today, and we had a good laugh, in between some very serious moments. The life God gives us is like a kaleidoscope, ever turning. If we are smart, we point it toward him, the light, and see the beauty in all of it, but many times we look down and miss so much of what he has to offer.

I’ve made it a point recently to look up, worship him in my sadness, praise him for the life I have, and focus on his presence and peace. I haven't always been so dedicated in my devotions or prayer life, but for the past few months, I've kept a prayer journal. It helps me remember what the prayer needs are around me. You know, we do this thing, and I'm guilty of it too, where we say, "I'm praying for you," and then we promptly forget about it. Or we say, "You're in my thoughts and prayers." And though many of you are strangers and you wouldn't know if I was or wasn't praying for you, I feel as though I shouldn't say it if I'm not going to do it. Thus, began the prayer journal. If I say I'm praying for you, then I have written it down in my journal to remember.

Many of my prayers lately have been focused around Crystal and her daughters. Any woman who loses her husband is certainly to be showed sympathy, but we are only in our 30s, and she has young kids, and that makes it more difficult. They don't understand his death. Heck, we adults don't understand his death, completely. I don't think I shared before that Dennis took his own life. It's scary to type out here...in black and white for people to see. There must have been pain and fear and a feeling of overwhelming confusion for him to carry it out, and we don't understand it all.

I can't wrap my mind around it.

But I know God will bring us through it.

I'm giving all my sadness to him, all my hurt and grief and confusion. I'm praising him and his will and trusting that he has the plan. I don't understand why an adoption hasn't worked out for us yet. I don't understand why Crystal is left lonely. And I'm not meant to understand right now. I'm meant to trust and worship and give him my faith.

It isn't easy. The tears still come. The selfishness comes out. I want, I need, I can't have.

Little by little, he's working in me, and on me. I trust that we will know his purpose. I trust that I will be a mother. I trust that Crystal will be taken care of in this life, and Dennis in the next. I am working in worship, prayer and clinging to the Jesus who has given himself as my savior. In the past month, he has drawn me to him, with ever so subtle tethers. Little by little.

Dealing with things that aren't natural go against the grain of who we are as people. It would be natural for me to get pregnant and have children, but my children will come in what some might consider an un-natural way. It would be natural for Dennis to grow old with his wife and children, but it is not to be. When life isn't linear, we struggle.

Thank God, he is the one that is SUPERnatural. Beyond what we can comprehend, understand, compute, relate to or explain. I can take a breath, let him flow in and fill me.

I can look up, let the kaleidoscope turn, and know the beauty of his love. And I hope you can too.

under the weather

There hasn't been much to talk about over the last three days. Charlie has been working on landscaping in our front yard and I've been a little under the weather. I slipped in our kitchen on water from the dogs and although I caught myself before I fell down completely, I twisted my neck a little bit. Friday morning I woke up with horrible neck ache and headache and was feeling sick.

All weekend I've been in a little bit of pain and we've been trying to get some yard stuff done. I managed to weed one of the beds, but Charlie has done 99% of the work. Today I also just rested and tomorrow I need to go back to work.

Adoption-wise, I talked with our case manager on Friday and the birth moms that were supposed to come in have not managed to come in for profile reviews yet. They both have personal stuff going on and have not made appointments. I'm praying that they will both come in and be able to make the decision to place. I pray that we might be the right parents for a baby, but at this point, while I'm not feeling good, I'm not optimistic.

I might be later, but I am not right now.

Well, I hope you all had a good weekend.

it hasn't been 24 hours

It started last night about 9pm with an adoption situation that was a "stork drop." Baby girl born on the 30th, needs family, send home study immediately.

So I emailed and asked and got a response that the situation was still available, and it was on. It was in the price range, the factors seemed to be lining up. Oh, and I should mention that Charlie was at the grocery store while I was doing all this. When he came home, I told him what was going on, and Lord, bless him, he has a hard time with these "jump" situations. He just can't compute. He started asking me all these questions, most of them that I had already answered and well...

Well, the story isn't about getting frustrated at 11:30 at night with your husband.

Anyway, I scanned and sent our home study and profile booklet this morning, then waited on pins and needles. They wanted to be able to grant custody to adoptive parents today, and this baby was in Texas, so if it was going to be us, we would need to get on a plane. At 12:30.

At 10, I emailed and asked if they got it. No response.

At 11, I asked again and said if they wanted us to come we needed to know now. No response.

At 12:30, I figured it was over, and then they emailed and asked for my phone number and I was hopeful again. The woman said the director would call me shortly after 1.

By 3, no one had called and I was wondering what happened. The birth mother was supposed to sign at 4.

At 3:30 or so, I got an email that they had chosen someone else.

Bummer.

All of this happening at work, by the way. I was trying to be productive all the while thinking about flying to Texas, what we'd need for 10 days, who I'd need to call to stay with the dogs, what I'd need to pack for the baby, etc. It's a wonder I got anything done.

I was also praying all day. Lord, let me hear your voice.

I'm disappointed, but getting better at being disappointed because that is really all I have known in adoption so far. I'm used to it. When I went to talk to my HR director to let her know I might be running out of the office to get on a plane, just in case, I told her what would probably happen would be I would get an email that they had chosen someone else. And that is exactly what happened.

Someday.