not what I wanted

I shared a few days ago that we were exploring some more adoption options, and I got more news on that today, and it wasn't the best news.

Let's back up a step, so any new readers can catch up, my husband and I have been with our current adoption agency for a little over a year. We are hooked up with New Life Christian Adoptions out of Garner, NC (click on the sidebar link to see our profile.) We love them. We love their attitude towards adoption and the women that work there are totally amazing. We were matched with a birthmother last April, but she decided to parent once the baby girl was born. It was hard, as many of you know. We are already homestudy approved through them.

So, back when we signed on, we said we would give it a year and then talk again. It has been a year and so we have started talking about various options. One of them is a local adoption agency (Children's Home Society) that wasn't doing infant adoptions when we first were looking for an agency. They have since re-opened their infant networking program and we have a couple of connections there, so we called to talk with them. They do a lot of work with the foster program and it sounded like they might be a good fit from looking at their website. The one thing they don't post on their website is the fees, which I find frustrating.

Today we found out a couple of things. One, they don't accept other agencies homestudies, which is odd. Many agencies might charge you a fee to review your homestudy, but they don't take them at all. So, that would need to be re-done at a fee. Second, the total adoption cost is about $17,000 (including homestudy, but not legals.) That is on the low end for agencies, as you may well know, but I was hoping it would be closer to what we already have budgeted for New Life. You can use as many agencies as you like, but most of the time you can pay once for a homestudy and then send that around. With them we would have to go through that again, and you know how complicated that process can be with all the paperwork, interviews and home visits. If we had started with them to begin with it might have worked, but at this point I'm not sure what to think. I really haven't even shared this with Charlie yet, so I'll be talking with him later.

Maybe when our homestudy expires, we might consider this agency, because last year they did 49 infant adoptions. Our agency is a lot smaller and doesn't have the same volume. We'll see though...any day could bring another match.

I'm curious what other adoptive families consider their financial threshold. I know that many can't even afford the $15,ooo we are considering, but some families can consider more expensive agencies/options. When looking around on the internet for available options, there are babies already born that adoption consultants are advertising for $25,000-45,000 plus their time and travel. It might be a faster process if we could afford a more expensive consultant. But I don't know that having a baby faster would force me to change from our agency that does so much for the birthmoms counseling wise.

Anything you want to share is great. If you aren't comfortable talking about the money, that's fine. You can email me too (sissyreads@gmail.com) if you want to share privately. I'm always curious about other agencies that people use and the process their adoption takes. I just learned about an agency the other day that had a very unique process and it was interesting to read about!

Anyway, that new agency is on hold for awhile. I was excited to learn more about them, so the news I learned today wasn't what I wanted to hear. But then, I find that to be typical in adoptions...there isn't good news until there's GREAT news.

Talk later, all you Mommas!

trying to trust

I have spent the last few days popping around different pregnancy, infertility, adoption and foster care blogs. I am constantly amazed at how much is out there and available to read. I ended up adding lots of links to my sidebar, so I now I have lots of people to keep up with and follow their journeys.

But, one theme that seems to unite all these blogs is the wanting: wanting to be a mother, wanting to help children in need, wanting to find a good home for a child, wanting to follow God's will. So many of the women blogging out there are Christian women of all faiths, from Catholic to Protestant to LDS. Women who trust God with their families and their lives. Each woman may be going about it in the way they believe, but underneath all the differences in faith are the prayers sent up. Many, many, many prayers.

I know that I often feel like I'm whining about the waiting. And the waiting is hard. I feel like I'm supposed to be mothering someone, and so I often end up mothering my dogs. Lucy, especially, since she tends to be more cuddly. She'll often end up in my lap, and I'll talk in babytalk and call her the baby. I kiss on her and love on her and tell her that she'll love the baby when he/she comes.

Somewhere out there may be a woman who is thinking that bringing up a baby would be too hard. Or that it just isn't something she's ready for or can handle. Hopefully, God is touching her spirit, whispering that He can take care of that baby. There's a way. It doesn't have to be a death...it can be a life, for her, for the baby, and a dream come true for couples like Charlie and me. I pray that in these moments, God is there and that hearts are opened. I pray that these honest whispers fall on receptive ears.

I believe I was meant to be a mother. It wasn't always this way, but more and more each day I know that this is God's calling on my life. Charlie is meant to be a daddy. That I know. I can see it in how he acts with his nephews and niece. It will come so naturally to him.

These are the thoughts for today, I guess. Those are my prayers and my prayer requests. Add them to your list, if you can, if you would.

new year, new template

I posted the other day about some of the new options I have seen out on the internet for networking to assist in our adoption. Most of the things I have come across are pretty expensive, but it is quite addicting to look around. It also hurts my heart a little knowing that these babies are out there and it just isn't so affordable. This isn't really a post to say that adoption is costly or to whine about it, but to say that I am making more of an effort to connect with other women dealing with infertility and adoption. Connections could bring about something wonderful, right?

So, I felt like the blog needed a little bit of an update. And let me tell you, it took me hours to find the right template. There are many, many, many out there and not all of them are good. Plus, I didn't really want just a background to use with the Minima basic template. I wanted something graffic and vivid. I think this is it. Hope you like it.

I did pop around today and comment on many blogs that were new to me. So if you are someone I haven't really met, then HELLO and WELCOME. Hope you find me to be a sympathetic friend and this blog to be a place that will make you laugh a little, smile sometimes, and jump up and down with joy eventually (when we get a baby, that is!)

Nice to meet you.

new options

One of the other adoption blogs I have lurked on for some time now, All You Who Hope, just adopted a baby. It came around very quickly and was actually suggested to her from another blogger friend. Imagine that! One of her blogger friends told her about an available situation and they called the attorney, got their money together and went and adopted this baby!

I can't even imagine that.

It took a little over a week and a half!

It's amazing. To think that one day she was sitting there checking her email and then boom! Here's a possibility! Get on it!

And, I didn't know that people posted available situations, either. That was totally new to me. If you don't know, then available situations are when an agency has a birthmother that does not want to chose any of the parents available to them, or is not a good match to anyone the agency is already working with. So, they reach out to other agencies and some even post on various websites, or on their own websites. I had never even heard of this before, and I spent some time last night on the internet looking. Most of the available situations also post the fee associated with that adoption, and many of them are more expensive than we are budgeted to spend with our agency. I can't imagine how we would come up with $30,000 in a month. With our jobs, it just wouldn't happen.

Oh, so last time I posted I was talking about all the various things you think about when beginning to adopt and there certainly are many questions you deal with. When a woman is pregnant, she can control what she eats and if she smokes and if she exercises. When you adopt, you are at the mercy of the birthmom to disclose her habits. It isn't possible to know everything about the health of the baby, or what they will grow up to be, or if they will develop a health problem later, but if the mom smokes pot while she's pregnant, you'd like to know. And sometimes they don't say.

I guess it all comes back to trusting Him to know what's best for us. Trusting Him to know what we can handle. Trusting Him to know the timing and the way it will happen. How much work do I need to do on my end? Should I keep pursuing other options, or just wait for our agency to match us? It's hard to feel like I'm not doing anything.

Anyway, for all the couple of bloggers that read this, if you know of an adoption situation out there that might interest us, comment and let me know. You never know what could happen!

want to think about these questions?

There are so many options when someone considers adoption. There are so many things to think about and pray about, to consider and ask questions about. Not to overwhelm anyone who is just on the brink of considering adoption, but here's where we started:

1. Where do we want to adopt from? Initially, I wanted to adopt from China, because that's what so many people around us were doing. I researched all the possible countries we could adopt from and made a chart with their requirements and the cost. China seemed the most reasonable at $26,000 or so. The downside was that a non-special needs adoption could take three years.
2. Where do we want to adopt from? Okay, so after thinking about China, and seemingly making that decision, my husband gets on the internet one night and does his own research and discovers that domestic adoptions can cost anywhere from $10,000 to $50,000, depending on who you adopt through. So we decide to pursue a domestic adoption, considering our bank account and the realistic expectations for how much we can save.
3. Do we want to consider being a foster parent and adopting through the foster system? Adoption through the foster system is free, but they mostly adopt school age children, many in their teens, and the kids are coming from situations bad enough that they have been removed from their homes.
   
4. What about special needs foreign adoptions? Those tend to move quicker and are often less costly than the healthy children, but adopting a child with a special need is a very big step for a couple that have never been parents. Hmmm. Think about it.

Okay, so at this point, and many looooong conversations, we decide to pursue domestic adoption. So, more questions:

1. What agency do we use? At this point we get on the internet and start looking at agencies. We could technically use an agency anywhere and we could use more than one. So I look at websites and then I call and talk to those that I like the look of...and ask more questions.
   
2. How do they find birthmothers? Well, for most agencies, birthmothers come to them through using the phone book or the web. Or from a pregnancy crisis center or a doctor.
   
3. Do they counsel the birthmothers? Some work extensively with their moms, counseling them through the process, and even after the adoption. Some seem to take the babies and run, leaving the birthmother to fend for herself. Ick.
4. How do they charge? I did not really like the agencies that charge based on the race of the baby (more for white, less for black.) Some agencies told me they could have me a baby within six months, if I was prepared to spend up to $50,000. What I discovered was that according to the law, a birthmother could ask for up to two months rent and utilities, even if they did not need the help. And some agencies pass those costs on to the adoptive parents, again, regardless of whether mom needs help or not. So basically, we'd be paying her for the baby. Not really legal. On the boundaries of being legal, I guess.
   
5. How many adoptions do they do in a year? Just curious.
6. What is the average wait? Two years. It can be much less, but it can take longer.
   

So we went and talked to the two agencies we liked, and chose one, New Life Christian Adoptions. Of course, it's been a year now, and we almost had a baby in May, but I am getting antsy for something to happen again and so I have been looking at all our options. Again. And making myself crazy asking all these questions.

Just thought I would share some insight into this whole process. It can totally be overwhelming!

lack of progress

There isn't much going on these days. Well, there is a ton going on, cause it's Christmas time and there are presents to buy and wrap and candy to make and movies to watch. But there's nothing going on adoption-wise. In my fantasies, I would have gotten a call to come pick up a baby to have by Christmas, but that hasn't happened. Nope. No phone calls.

This time of year is harder for waiting parents, I think. We get those cute Christmas cards in the mail with family pictures, and while I enjoy seeing how everyone has grown, it just makes me want to have a cute family picture of my own to send out. It's not the most Christian thing to be jealous, but it's how I feel sometimes. It's just hard. I think I've said that before. And now I'm saying it over and over and over.

Yes, I'm whining. It'll be over soon.

Anyway, I plan on using my break to rest my brain. It's been overloaded as of late, and I just need to let some things go.

I'm sorry that I don't have much to update. There just isn't much to say, but I like to keep posting so everyone knows the progress. Or lack of progress.

it's not really about me right now

Our agency sent out another update recently, saying that they were now working with three birthmothers and a possible fourth. YAY! I am glad they are getting more business.

So, I don't know anything about these moms though...like if they have already chosen adoptive families or if we meet their qualifications. All that unknown stuff weighs on my mind, and I wish my phone would ring to tell me we had been chosen again. That would be awesome.

But then the agency director told me that the situations two of the moms were in was so unstable that she wasn't sure they would be able to follow through with their decisions to place the babies. Evidently, the families are not supportive of their adoption plans and are really pressuring them to keep the babies. A hard place to be, I'm sure.

I don't know that I want to be matched with another mom who could back out. Once was enough heartbreak. Twice would just about do me in, I think.

So, prayers for the birthmoms, please. Prayers that they will have peace with their decisions and families that will be able to come to terms with what's best for the baby. Prayers all around, please.

I know that God has his hand in our situation, and that it will be our turn when it is our turn. I know I am impatient. I know I whine about waiting. I deal with it in my own small way, trying to handle it when it seems so many people around me are pregnant. I pray that God will mold my attitude into something that makes Him proud. So instead of praying for God to grant me grace, I am praying that He will touch these moms and families. It takes it outside of me...which I surely need. It's not about me, really. It's about the moms. Later it will be about me.