I go back to work tomorrow. I am excited and nervous and ready and not ready all at the same time. We have great childcare in place, so I'm not really worried about that, but I'm more worried about me. My bladder (I have Interstitial Cystitis) has been acting up lately and I'm more stressed about that, I think. The last couple of weeks haven't been that great, and I'm sure that the newness of having a baby hasn't made it better. I haven't had a totally hard time adjusting, but there have been days where I haven't known what to do with Jackson.
So, tomorrow will be quite the dose of reality as I get up and leave my house and get back to my classroom. Prayers, please.
While life may never be completely normal again, it is getting into more of a routine, which is good for me. Although, the routine will change once again when I go back to work Thursday of next week. School starts on the 27th and Jackson will be 7 weeks old by then. I didn't really want to miss the first day of school, even though I could have taken more time.
I'm still getting used to thinking of myself as a mom. It comes and goes. When I'm with him, I understand it and what I'm supposed to do, but when I'm alone, I'm not obsessed by it. I can enjoy being alone and not worry that he's okay. I think that's good. Yesterday I called the dentist because the filling I got two weeks ago was still sensitive and I thought it needed to be adjusted. They asked if I could come right then. Two months ago I would have gotten right in the car, but instead I blurted out, "We just got a baby, so I have to arrange childcare." So I went today and my mom came and stayed with Jackson. Would it have been appropriate for me to take him?
He's doing well and growing and starting to have more of a personality. He likes baths, which is good, cause I do too! He likes his swing and his Boppy and the pacifier from the hospital.
Last night was my night to get up with Jackson and it didn't go well. I fed him at 10:30 or so and crawled into bed a little after 11, but I had a headache and got up again at 11:30 to take something. I figured Jackson would sleep until 3 or so, because that has been his pattern the last couple of days, but he woke up at 12:45 and wanted a bottle. At that point I had slept maybe an hour.
So I'm sitting in the rocker, feeding him the bottle and bawling my eyes out. I was so tired. So tired.
I know this isn't anything new to anyone with a new baby. They get up in the middle of the night and that wasn't a surprise and it was the thing that concerned me most about adopting a newborn. I don't cope well on little sleep and it is making me cranky, weepy and otherwise irritable. I knew this would be a big problem when we finally got a baby, probably causing a little rift in our marriage as I get snappish with Charlie when sleep deprived.
This morning Charlie and I were laying in bed and talking and I started crying again about how getting sleep in two to three hour increments is wearing me down little by little. Charlie and I made a plan for me to get a little more rest and hopefully it will work.
In other news, I was thinking today about R (our birth mother) and how we can never fully express what Jackson means to us and how we can never express as much gratitude as we want to. We did get her a gift and sent it through the agency after gotcha day, but I would empty out my bank account again and again and still not feel like I've given her enough. Would any of you like to share what you did for your birth mothers? If you don't want to comment publicly, then send me an email and share. I know each situation is very personal and not all adoptions are completely open or amicable, but I'd love to know if you want to share.
Well, Jackson is getting bigger and more adorable by the minute, don't you think? He's starting to have more facial expressions and smile a little more, which is just too cute. We attended a bridal shower yesterday and he was a big hit, getting passed around and loved on.
There are still days when I can't quite believe this is all real and that I'm a mom. It's interesting. My husband and I talked about how blessed we are today, but then in the next moment it was just surreal. He is a pretty good baby, with minimal fussy times, but like any baby he has his moments. He is sleeping pretty good at night, usually just getting up once or twice.
We went to the lawyer on Friday and signed papers to begin the TPR for the birth father and talk through the process of the adoption finalization. We were hoping to have it finalized by the end of the year, but the lawyer said probably not. Our lawyer is about 90 minutes away, so we left Jackson at home with a sitter. The lawyer was surprised that we didn't have him with us, but the three hours in the car for an hour meeting just didn't seem like fun for him. He was better off at home.
Charlie and I did have a date night last night and we went out for dinner at Applebees and we ran a couple of errands. At the restaurant, a teenager at the table across from us knocked her steak sauce onto the floor and it flew all the way across the aisle and splattered the white sweater I had hanging off the back of my chair. The girl felt so bad and apologized many times, and the waitress brought me napkins and seltzer water and another patron handled me a Tide pen. Most of it came out in the wash, so I think it will be okay. As we left the restaurant, the girl's mother took a moment to thank me for handling it graciously. I told her I probably would have spilled something myself, no worries. I guess I could have been mad, but accidents happen.
There's the life update for now. Hope you enjoyed the pics!
If you're reading this blog, you might already know that Charlie and I are going through the process to adopt a child. It has been a long road to this place, and infertility is not for the faint of heart. But we firmly believe that God's hand is upon us and that He preparing us for a child who needs a loving home, with people who want nothing more than to be a family. If our journey interests you, read on.